[turquoisesea]

Basic idea of what's going on:
I have depression. This summer/semester it has gotten very bad. My first meds gave me panic attacks, the second help but maybe not enough. I still get panicky/overwhelmed. I fell to self inflicting, although recently that has been better. At one point I was si'ing every day almost all day, even in FRONT OF MY BF. The school has put me on a medical leave. I am going home for break, hoping to return to the school area but maybe not.

I live with my bf right now and this past semester. He has seen me get worse and worse, be suicidal in thoughts and partially in action. He has held me to try to get me to stop si'ing, and I keep going at it like crazy.
I love him. Otherwise our relationship has been great. We've been together all of February this year and the rest of the year.

I have trouble accepting the fact that he had sex with his ex. I don't know what to do with these feelings and at this point he doesn't know what to say anymore, I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO. My thoughts can be borderline obsessive at times. They're not together and have no chance of being. ya. I'm pathetic

Second, now he's at the end of his rope emotionally. My problems affect him because he loves me. He doesn't want me to go home, because I'll probably get worse if so. But he also needs me better soon.
I bother him with my worries about the ex, my feelings of hopelessness and despair, my inability to move away from the past and MOVE ON.

But that's mostly the depression. I try so hard, but now... I just make things hard

what to do
Any advice on the relationship and what to do?

[CedarS]

Are you in therapy? I think that comes first, you finding a way to become stable and relatively comfortable.

I think the best thing you can do for your relationship right now is to focus on you.

[turquoisesea]

I'm in therapy. I've just switched to a new and better therapist. But I might have to move back home and start on the calling up all over again.

I've been trying to work on it for so long... i dunno

[turquoisesea]

You know... maybe it's not all my personal problems.
I can't accept that his ex existed in his life. I saw some more about her, saw posts from him to her today. Now I'm beginning to wonder things. Have I been hurting and living with someone who I may not be able to accept because of his past experiences? I'm starting to get very confused

[MsGie]

You may want to consider going to see a psychiatrist to get on the right medication. Counseling will not be enough for you because it sounds like you are headed to a destination that only medication can stop you from going to. A primary care physician may be able to prescribe you a antidepressant for you too. Whatever you decide to do about your bf, you need to help yourself before you can focus on fixing your relationship. Self comes first!!! Seek help from a medical professional, please.

MsGie

[meander]

Hey turquoise,

Hope you're doing ok. I'd agree with the above advice about concentrating on yourself first and the therapy etc sounds like a good start. The truth is that depression does put a LOT of strain on intimate relationships, especially when you're living together... I've been there - last year my depression crashed to new lows which really impacted negatively on my relationship with my bf. The good news is, it is survivable, but it doesn't happen overnight.

I'm not sure if this is the same for you, but the biggest problem I had was expecting my bf to magically fix things and make me happy and take the pain away, just because he was there at the time and saw me at my lowest. He's a great guy, and tried his best, but everyone has a limit and he did snap a couple of times, leading to me getting worse at some points. However, I was doing the therapy thing as well as on meds, and once I realised that it was my responsibility to sort myself out, things improved. The relationship was still under strain, although not so much after that. Good coping tips you might like to try out- in addition to therapy etc, try finding a few outlets for your feelings so that some of the time you have together with your bf is happy time. I mean things like talking to other friends for support, music, exercise, journalling... that kind of cathartic process that can sometimes make the pain go away for a little while at least.

Also don't beat yourself up about it too much (both literally and figuratively!) - just keep trying and you'll succeed one day. If this is the guy for you, he'll be around when you get through this, but right now your focus must be on yourself - it's the only way to get better.

[turquoisesea]

thanks everyone, you're right I really need to get better. I've been calling psychiatrists, because the one I was using before was through the school and now I have no access to her
I have a good therapist, but only have one session before I have to go back home, and from there I don't know if i'll stay up here or not, we'll see.

meander, thanks for your personal experience- my boyfriend and I have talked about my depression and its affect on the relationship, we both feel that it's taking away "us" and sometimes just like it's hard to see me, it's hard to see "us" sometimes. He more than me says we're still there. He feels horrible for doing this (he's a great guy), but he's admitted both to himself and me that he's at the end of this rope, and that he NEEDS me back next semester; he can't hold the strain of what he was handling the past one. I hate that I've put him in this position. I'll really try, it helps to know that you've been there and made it

thank you both, your replies do help to focus me on what I need to do