flatmate troubles

so... apparently i needed to sign a contract for a year to secure a place in a flat (fairly standard). i haven't signed it yet (flatmate hasn't given it to me) but verbal contract / assent is probably binding and it really is too much of a hassle to move...

one flatmate is okay. socially awkward and kinda weird... keeps kosher which makes things a little socially difficult, too. and doesn't really drink in a place where the main way of relating to people is in the bar.

other flatmate is turning out to be a bit of a loose unit... her best friend was having some trouble with her boyfriend ditching her shortly after i arrived. there was a group of people and initially i seemed to be accepted into that group and they seemed to like me fine. best friend... would do things like talk to her ex on the phone whenever he needed to talk to someone. she would end up feeling really upset after those phone calls. most were saying that she needed to stop doing that. flatmate was like 'i support her in everything she says and does because my friendship is unconditional and i don't want her to feel like she can't talk to me after one of those phone calls'. that seemed to be the best way she could support her best friend.

best friend decided to shut me out of the social circle. stopped inviting me to things. flatmate would hang out with me when best friend had other things to do, but not really otherwise. hurt... but i came to accept it. i guess i don't fit in so well with them. i'm not into spending a lot of time or thought on clothes and make up and i'm not into *****ing about people who aren't present and i'm not into the devisive and dramatic way these people have of expressing friendship and just generally relating to people...

last night i was woken at three in the morning by a loud argument. went out to see what was going on and flatmate was lying on her ex boyfriend preventing him leaving. earlier in the day we had a brief conversation where she said that they couldn't go on ignoring each other and things either needed to get better or worse but things needed to change. so... she was going to try and talk to him (they had been ignoring each other since the break up). i was like 'hey! enough already lets call it a night people' and they got up. and he was like 'i'm trying to go' and i was like 'come on emily' trying to direct her away and she alerted her hostile response in my direction. so i was like 'i'll call the cops' and then he was like 'yeah, i'll call the cops and started to phone them' so i left them to it (she is big and strong but he is a pretty big guy, too, and i think she surprised him more than anything).

i locked myself in my room... shook for a few hours... had a lot of violence (or threat of it) and angry hostile arguments when i was a kid and there wasn't anything i could do... had a flatmate for 2 years when i was around 16 and she started arguing a lot with her boyfriend. i moved out for related reasons and he ended up breaking the door down one day and shooting the both of them dead.

i'm fed up. about once a week every month (related to pay day) she sits in her room and constantly smokes mj stinking the house out. she shuts me out of things making it clear she isn't a friend (e.g., thanksgiving where i didn't even get an invite to a graduate student pot luck). she seeks my advice and friendship when it suits her and is dismissive when she gets what she perceives to be a 'better offer'. violence is not okay and i will not tolerate it.

i phoned someone to try and get best friends number so i could tell best friend to maybe check on her this morning... the person i phoned said that they both got a call and turned up last night (gee, thanks for checking on me people - admittedly she seemed sheepish and said we should catch up tomorrow). apparently she was upfront about having punched him in the head a number of times. he did call the cops. they turned up. he said to just note the incident and no charges will be laid. at least i don't have to put in an appearance to testify in court.

****!!!

no wonder i'm sick to death of this place...

Wow, a lot of drama going on there. Is there a way that you can find another place to live? If so, I believe I'd start looking if I were you. I think you did the right thing telling them you were going to call the cops. You have just as much right to live in peace as they do, and you shouldn't have to put up with all that garbage. Sounds like you've been through enough hell ... you don't have to do it again.

Hey. No... I don't really think that finding another place to live is an option. I will make it clear to my flatmate that if this happens again (e.g., if she kicks a hole in the wall or physically hurts someone on the property) then I will leave. Even if it means I end up going home early... I'll bring the department into it if necessary. There was an incident earlier in the year... Not with her, but with someone else... A guy (very slight build but I imagine he has a bit of a temper on him). Going out with some girl and they had a very dramatic relationship... Car windscreen ended up with a fist through it and bruises ended up on her face etc... Court... The whole department turned out to support him (he said she did it to herself). Professors giving character witness... Saying he was a decent guy... Then admitting that they didn't know him outside the work context at all. Judge wasn't terribly sympathetic to the support he had (about the whole department turned out to the court case whereas she is unemployed). He was found guilty but the judge said 'lets not allow this sentence to ruin his life / future career'. So... Guess I've seen the departmental stance on violence already (people close ranks). Only trouble is that flatmates ex is in the department, too. They broke up because he cheated on her. So... He decided not to press charges mostly out of guilt, I expect.

But I will not tolerate it, no. I will not be made to feel physically unsafe (or unwelcome for that matter) in a place where I'm meant to share one third. At this point... I simply don't even want to see her... I know it will be drama, drama, drama, 'I'm so losing it I so need people to support me right now mememememe'. And... I need to do the whole 'I can tolerate your stinking the house out with pot every now and then, I can tolerate your shutting me out of the social circle, I can even tolerate chatting to you about your personal problems occasionally even though you aren't there for me at all but I WILL NOT TOLERATE VIOLENCE OR THE THREAT OF IT AND SO NOW I"M ASSERTING MYSELF AND I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND EVEN LESS YOUR UNCONDITIONAL FRIEND AND I WILL NOT SUPPORT OR CONDONE THIS'. It is not going to go down at all well... The other person who was involved last night (who showed up with best friend apparently) is more friendly to me... She seemed a little abashed that she didn't think to check on me last night. She also seemed a little surprised / stunned when I expressed a little surprise about ex not pressing charges and bitter relief at not needing to give testimony in court (that really hadn't occurred to her).

Yeah... The crunch has certainly come with respect to my being honest and upfront about how I feel. I don't expect it will go down particularly well... But... The time has come. I could tolerate a lot but this one is over my boundaries...

((((( Kim ))))))

That surely can be a difficult way to live. I'm sorry you are having to go through it. I think you are doing the right thing in standing up for what you will and will not tolerate. I know that living with folks that have no consideration for themselves or others makes for a rough time. I would say you are much better off not having a "friendship" with this woman anyways...as you say, drama drama drama....who the heck needs it Life is difficult enough without making it more difficult.

I do hope you find some peace very very soon.


sabby

Thanks guys. Been discussing things by email and I think things have sorted out okay. She said she understands about the violence and promises it will never happens again and really does seem very genuine in her apology about that. She is going to try and smoke less, and take some of it to the porch (where air flow will prevent it building up and circulating inside). The hardest thing... Took some really very careful words... Quite delicate... She said that she didn't mean to hurt me or to shut me out and that she does consider me a friend and will work on being a better one to me.

So... Phew. The latter thing in particular turned out to be quite tricky... I said that I felt that they spoke negatively about me behind my back... That I prefer to spend time with people who behave friendly towards me (and how not inviting me to thanksgiving wasn't friendly and coming from people who I thought were friends hurt my feelings). And it was basically... Accepted. We will see, of course.. I think she might respect a person with healthy boundaries (not having much experience with that in her life) and maybe is learning to come to respect the absence of negativity / judgement... Perhaps... I feel exhausted. This kinda stuff is so hard for me... Just gonna sleep and sleep and sleep...

(((kim))) sounds like you handled it really well, well done! hope it works out