chicken or the egg?

Hi,
I'm looking to find a girlfriend, and I haven't done much talking to anyone in about 10 years (including my family), but someone at work is interested in me and we went for dinner/coffee 2 nights ago and are going to a show on Friday. I think she thinks it's dating because she brought a little gift to dinner. I just didn't know so since I paid for dinner and will pay for the show, I guess I'm reenforcing that idea, but I really was hoping for some companionship and getting to know her. The problem is I don't have friends at all so I just reciprocated her approach rather than talk to her much.

In general, should I figure out how to have fun and friends and then, only then, go for a girlfriend? Or is it ok to date this woman for practice, essentially? I don't see a future with her as a partner but it would be fun to do friend things occasionally with her if she wanted.

Thanks,
bb

i think you should just stick with being friends if you see no future with her its not nice playing with people's heart and emotions, good luck

Hi IMMK,
Thanks for your fast reply. I like that idea and would like to go through with it. I generally like to be direct because I usually get distracted if I don't.

In this case, we have planned on going to a cheap dinner and then The Fantasticks (some show) Friday downtown that I went ahead and said I would pay for. As I wrote, I think she she is looking for romance based on her treating the dinner as a real date and her perma-smile and drive to impress me, but all my words to her have been platonic (but I played along with the date role).

I have emailed back and forth with her, but never talked on the phone or much at work (we can't see eachother much there because of our locations and schedules).

When do I give her the talk? Do I call or email her now? Do I wait until dinner, after the end of the evening, or the day following sometime?

Do I segue into the topic gradually, or drop it out of the blue?

I guess the sooner the better, right, IMMK or anyone?

Thanks,
bb

Bridge...on one level you sound very wise. You clearly know you do not want a romantic relationship with this girl, though it sounds like she has romantic intentions. I think the best recourse is to be open and honest up front. Much hurt can result from miscommunication, and you don't sound like the kind of fella who would mislead a vulnerable girl. If she is offended by your desire for only social friendship, then that is her problem, not yours, as you have not lead her on.
Patty

there is a guy at work who is interested in me, but i'm only looking for friendship too. he has taken me out to dinner and stuff also. the way i 'dropped the hint' to him was by saying how happy i was being single, etc, and just being fun and matey and stuff. he got the memo pretty quickly.

i dont think you need to make it into a big deal, just drop it into conversation casually. e.g., for me it flowed easily, because we were talking about exes and so i had the opportunity to go "i'm so glad i'm unattached now... wouldn't trade this for the world" etc. i made sure to keep up contact with him afterwards though, so he knew i still wanted to be his friend. we've got it good now.

Well, ****ed it up already. I went on a dinner date Monday - all good and normal, even though she was quite falling over me. I still was strong enough to be cordial and platonic. In emails she dropped hints she wanted to go out New Years Eve if I wanted to and that's when I dropped the ball. I didn't think there would be any problems but I forgot I've got no self-esteem. I did call her New Years Eve, went out, held her hand (careful...) and then we got a drink (steady...) and watched the ball drop and... I kissed her (****). She totally got too happy and I had one more drink and we went to an all-night restaurant and cuddled, talked, and kissed for 3 hours.

While talking I found out more about her and confirmed that I just don't understand people and should have just been practicing dating - yet this was someone I shouldn't have practiced with since she was super-serious.

Another problem is that she is so shy around me that she can't be assertive or even communicative. I feel like I'm going to shoot Bambi's mother when I have "the talk". I don't want to have the talk.

That's where it stands and I have yet to go on another planned date tomorrow evening. But as I said before she is a coworker and so I'm just screwed now.

Ah *****.

Bridge...I don't think you're screwed. Your analogy of "shooting Bambi's mother" did give me a smile, since you are obviously very sensitive to this girl's feelings. But she sounds very clingy and too eager. There is still time for you to be honest and up front with her, without coming off as a cad. Even if she is a coworker, you can still be strong, honest, and offer friendship. Don't let yourself get into the cuddling and kissing again unless you want to bury yourself.
Patty

OK I called her tonight and was quite nervous but did a pretty good job of explaining my feelings. Luckily she was understanding because she had been afraid of similar things so we may have escaped relatively unscathed. We discussed that it would be a bit awkward since we each had feelings but that it's just the rules of life that certain things cause certain consequences and it would be worse (especially being coworkers), far worse, to do anything that would make things prohibitively awkward or embarassing. I don't think we are 100% out of the woods since we are still going to the play tomorrow night but we discussed some further plans that don't present as clear a risk as New Years Eve with a drink.

But I know now that not saying anything would have been ensuring horrible things to come.

Thanks for your help,
bb

Relax and focus on getting to know her as a person before you decide how serious it can get. It sounds like you two may need to slow down and just enjoy each other's company.

I had a kind of similar situation a few years ago after my boyfriend died. I met a guy a month after he died and I was looking for a friend not a boyfriend but I kissed him and things went too fast after that. I had only known him a few weeks when he started telling me he loved me and I told him he didn't even know me yet but he kept on being clingy and I stopped answering his calls.

There is no way of knowing yet how this person may fit into your life (or not) but be honest and try to be friends first and if something else grows great but maybe it won't.

Good luck. It sounds like you are on the right track and have good self awareness.

Bridge...You did good! This shows you are a man of good character.
Patty

It went ok - I think we are going to be ok at work. Thanks for your help!

I'm glad that things worked out for you. In the future remember that the sooner you make your intentions known, the better. Those little "gut feelings" that you get exist for a reason, heed them.

Well, it's odd now because after the rectification of the situation Thursday, we went out on the residual date Friday and it's like now she doesn't feel she has to impress me or anything and she is over it. That's good that she wasn't clingy but odd that the personality I perceive would change so much overnight. She had said during our talking that she has messed up all her previous relationships (including letting an 8-year marriage fester on even as her husband cheated on her multiple times) and likes to move from place to place to escape things. Maybe she is just escaping an unpleasant emotion or maybe not. I know I said I was not _ready_ for a relationship but I still wanted something (difference) so I am still feeling bad. I scratched myself like I used to but that is just out of habit, not serious.

Bridgeboy, hunnybunny...You did the absolute right thing by being honest with this woman. You said she admitted she " likes to move from place to place to escape things. " That, in itself, should have been a big red flag to you, and your were dead on right to be concerned about fast paced intimacy, which seems to have been her goal.
Your inner voice, your intuition, your gut feelings...were all correct! YOU are one of those rare honest men of integrity and you acted according to your own value system. This is rare, and you will be a wonderful man for some lucky woman when the time is right.
Please remember, you are in no way responsible for this woman's reactions or change of personality. Do not punish yourself for this. You did good!
Love
Patty