[xol7]

I do not want to get pregnant. I do not want to go through pregnancy. I do not want to have a baby. If I decide I am ready, I want to adopt pre-teens.

My husband wants babies. He loves the idea of the pregnant wife, the newborn child, the toddler years...

We have agreed not to discuss it for now, but it sneaks by in some when he talks about our future: "...when we have our kids..."

If I did get pregnant- unplanned, of course, I would have the baby and love my family. I just really do not want that to happen on purpose.

My husband gets really angry when we would try to discuss it early in our marriage. He new I wanted to adopt before we were married, but I think he thought I might change my mind or do both. Once he starts to hear that I have not changed my mind he shuts down the conversation. So, we are not talking about it.

This is going to be harder to avoid in the coming year. He is turning 30 and he wants kids.

I am stuck as to how to show him that I really want to adopt and that is it.

[(JD)]

I'm sorry to hear this is causing frustration within your marriage.

Have you fully thought about why you don't wish to become pregnant, or even to have a baby in the house? While I fully respect your wishes for your own body, it does have a tint of something else, a deeper issue.

You may not wish to divulge anything more here, but I would suggest you seek counseling, maybe even couples counseling regarding this issue.

It's one thing to not want to go through childbirth, but that you say you don't want young children in the home tells me (and this is just my opinion) that you have some reasons for not wanting anyone younger than a pre-teen. Sounds like you're fearful.

I wish for you a good year, and a resolution to this dilemma.

[deliquesce]

i think relationships counselling would be useful here. i empathise with you because i do not want to have children myself either - i am happy to adopt, but not beget them myself.

i hope you two are able to come to a mutual understanding.

[snow]

I hope you can sort this out. I have children - it is difficult but they are older now. I went through two natural childbirths. I love my kids. I can understand your fear of childbirth totally if this is the issue. Raising babies is difficult. Have you looked into adoption? Phamplets? if you are that way inclined. I know a workmate adopted.

Thanks

[e_sort]

that's a really hard problem. I agree with you in that I don't want a baby in the house either. I wouldn't be able to stand the noise, lack of sleep, and lack of personal time. Whether it's a deeper issue or not, I don't think my mind is going to be changed about it.

I know there are lots of happy parents with babies, I know several personally. I don't hate kids or think it's a bad thing to have a baby. I just don't want to do it myself.

IMHO i think two things are really important here. first, you should NOT give in just to compromise. Aside from being true to yourself (which is important!) a unwanted kid knows he's an unwanted kid. there's a huge popular opinion that as soon as you have your baby you will be a totally different person and be incredibly happy and it is NOT TRUE. lots of people regret becoming parents. we just don't hear about it so much. then the kids are not happy either.

second, you can't go on not talking about this with your husband. you've been fair. you let him know before you got married. i know it's uncomfortable and hard, nobody wants to start a fight. so this is where counseling might help. you can't live with this uncertainty.

[AAAAA]

Your husband probably thought that you'd change your mind later in life. I don't know how old you are, or how long you've been married but people do change their minds about these things.

This is a pretty big issue that needs to be sorted out as soon as possible. I would recommend marriage councelling.