Brand new heartache

Hubby and I were doing what we used to do eons ago and we went for a ride. We went up the canyon where we used to live when we broke up and we stopped to see a friend of mine that was like a sister when we were next door neighbors. The last time I saw her was 5 yrs ago when my youngest got married. Hubby went to the door and knocked. This hooded figure stood at the door and they talked for a second or two but I couldn't tell who it was... maybe one of her sons all grown up. This hooded figure and hubby walked to the car and I was surprised to see that it was Suzie! She didn't act excited to see me and she sort of hung back from the car. I told her I was surprised that she didn't run out to meet me. Then it was that she came closer and I held my arms out the window. She returned the hug, but... That wasn't my Suzie! She got confused easily when I said things. She told hubby to not make her cry when me mentioned her daughter. She spent most of the time looking up to the hill behind her place. The tears welded up in her eyes several times. I mentioned something about how we used to yell at each other that we loved each other. She said she doesn't yell nice things anymore. She said she doesn't remember ever meeting my middle son. WHAT??? Anytime we needed help with one of our goats she was always over doing what she could or helping us! My Suzie isn't "there" anymore. I told her when things got dark to remember "Tomi loves me."

"Dark?" She didn't know what I meant. She asked me for a cigarrete. I asked her if she had stopped. All she said was "no." Before we left, she said "Why is it so hard for me to ask anyone for a cigarrette?" So I left her half a pack. She said she hadn't been out of the house for days. When I asked her if there was anything else I could do for her, she said, "Come by more ofter. All of you, together. Nobody likes me anymore."

I see red flags all over, but some red flags I don't recognize. What do they mean? Why didn't she understand what I was saying? Is it denial? Was she on drugs? What do I do besides going to see her often... QUITE OFTEN! That's not my Suzie! What happened to her? Where did she go?

I don't know how to answer your questions. I can only offer my hand for support.

Maybe by visiting with your friend you can help to understand what has happened. It is terrible to lose a friend no matter the way they are lost.

Perhaps your friend can return to you somehow. If the cause is discovered. Can you speak to the daughter?

I'm sorry for your pain SeptemberMorn.

Take care.

sept.

wow, that sounds so confusing and kinda scary. i'm sorry that your visit turned out that way.

yes, i would visit if it were me, but i would be careful and just try to find out what's up. is she married? if so, can you call her hubby?

sept, just keep yourself emotionally safe as you move forward until you find out what "place" it is that your friend is in.

be safe and gl,

kd

Ya know, it doesn't sound like plain ole depression since she had so much trouble understanding simple words. Maybe she had been sleeping under the influence of meds and was still out of it? Drug use sure is possible. But you mentioned she kept looking off to the side...that makes me wonder if she was seeing something you weren't? Maybe she has had some sort of psychotic slip? Related to depression or otherwise? So hard to know, and just soooo sad.

Perhaps you will be able to contact her family and sort it out prior to your next visit? Take care of yourself! That must have been really difficult to see your friend so unwell!

emmy

Hi SeptemberMorn --

Could it be Alzheimer's. A beloved uncle of mine passed at age 57 from it. He'd been a brilliant civil architect. Also very witty. But it has early onset in his family.

I don't know about the eyes looking off to the side. Perhaps seeing things that we can't -- I think that happens in Alzheimer's too.

Of course, all the other hypotheses are valid, also.

Best wishes, SeptemberMorn. This is another crappy thing for you.

No, Em (and everybody), it doesn't sound like plain ole depression and I don't think it's agoraphobia, either. Otherwise, she wouldn't have come out.

Talked to hubby last night. Well, I gave him the third degree because I know he sees Suzie's husband. Robert told hubby that Suzie suddenly turned on him a couple of years ago. Don't know what that means. Hubby also related to me that at one of the kid's graduation, she yelled at Robert across the room and flipped him off and used the words, too... in front of everybody, just out of the blue.

When she was looking towards the hill, she was watching her son go to the top. She used it as an excuse, I think, to not focus on what was going on near her. She did look me in the eye several times and we talked nose to nose like we used to, but she wasn't understanding what I said. Hubby said her eyes looked like she was on something. I don't know if the pupils are supposed to be big or pinpoints, but they were pinpoints because we were out in bright light. They might have been just a bit glassy, but she always had bright eyes.

After sleeping on it, I'm thinking that it was denial rather than not understanding. But how can you start to cry and then not understand when someone says to you "When things get dark"??

Kimmy, pardon me for being thick, but why do you say be careful? Do you think she might be physically dangerous? What was your clue if you saw one? I could easily be blinded to that sort of stuff because of my love for her.

Gonna have hubby take me over to see Robert at his work and we'll talk to him together. For now, my thoughts are that life has broken my Suzie. It sure hasn't been her friend.

Thanks, everybody, for responding. I appreciate everything from extended hands to insights.

((((((Tomi)))))))) I have no clue

I think if you go back to see her often, though, maybe you two can figure things out?

I'm sorry for your pain, honey.

(((((((Tomi)))))))))

Everyday when I wake up I see a silver lining... That fuzzy moment when I can barely think, yet I have to make a choice: Hang on to that silver lining one more day or just let it go and sink into depression.

Somehow I feel that no matter how sick in the head I might be or not, there's one moment of sanity everyday - the moment when I choose to live.

Maybe you will find answers about Suzie with Suzie; hopefully you will. Even if you don't, though, you can hang on to your silver lining.
Big heart.
:-)

It's a sad thing when pain creeps in or slaps you in the face when you love someone. Yes, I cried yesterday when I was holding Suzie. Yes, I hurt to the core of me to see what's happened to her, but during all this, the flood of love I feel for her washed over everything. The love feels so good! She kissed me when we were leaving. That's what I'm holding on to, to give me strength for whatever is ahead. It's the love that gets you through.

(Wow! Where did that come from? I feel like that wasn't me that said that!)

sept,

when i said "be careful" i was referring to emotional safety. sorry i didn't make myself clear on that.

and when i said, "keep yourself emotionally safe". it's upsetting to see a friend it that condition...especially someone that's cared about so much. "emotional safety" meaning...take care of yourself while you're trying to help her, hon. i didn't mean to imply that i thought she was dangerous...just that it would be worrisome to me too. i know i would probably jump feet first into finding out what's happened to my friend. sometimes i lose sight of myself when i do those things...

kd

There was a song we sang in grade school (back in the days that music was part of the curriculum ) that was about a Sliver Lining. I can't remember the words right now. All I can grasp is the meaning. Thanks for reminding me, Sweetheart. Oh, yeah! "Look for the silver lining whenever clouds appear in the blue and remember somewhere the sun is shining ... da dada dada da da." LOL That's good enough for me! ("... and make it shine for you"??) Oh well. LOL

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Saudade}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Thank you SO much!

((((((((((((((((((((( septembermorn ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Sis Tomi,
How are you feeling about this? Have you talked to her or anyone again since this has happened?
I hope that all is well.

Jessica

Who, Hun? Suzie? No, this just happened yesterday. I haven't had a chance to do much and she lives quite a ways from me, now. It requires going into another town to either talk to her or to her husband. We plan on going to my younest son's place either tomorrow or the day after. We'll be going through the town where they live, so we'll leave early and stop by to talk to her husband. I think Tasha, their daughter, still has a crush on John, so maybe somehow we'll get to talk to her, too.

Sorry that I did not notice the date. I am fighting a migraine right now and the details of everything seem a bit fuzzy.
Isn't it cute when kids of yours and your friends have crushes on one another . I am a sucker for that stuff.
I hope that your upcoming visit goes better then your last one. My thoughts are with you.

Jessica

Thanks, Kimmy. I get it now. LOL

I think some of my walls are up to protect my heart. I'm not in nearly as much pain as I was yesterday. My thinking is more logical today. Before I jump in with both feet and float in on my heart, I'm going to get as much information as I can from her hubby and her kids.

Thanks so much for caring, Lady!

you, my friend, are welcome

kd

I have no suggestions or ideas...but I wanted to let you know I read this...and I am thinking of you and wishing you well.

(((((Tomi)))))

Thank you, Sweety.

I have a dear friend who is only 3 years older than me.....she has several forms of dementia.....I was so shocked when I saw her and she didn't recognize me. This could be what is happening with your friend. Check with her family members if at all possible. Protect yourself but I do suggest trying to provide some comfort for her.......pat

TOMI: There might be another perspective also. You don't know what your friend has undergone, if she might have been physically or emotionally devastated in some way. If I were your friend, I wouldn't want someone "managing" me, asking others about me, instead of speaking directly to me. The worse I felt, and the more problems I had, the more I would need to be treated with respect. One of my "being treated like furniture" memories is an alleged therapy session involving my then husband and myself. The T looked right past me, directly at my husband, and said: "She's very immature, isn't she?"

Are you assuming that her family is capable of being honest about the situation, that they know better than she does what is good for her wellbeing, that they are more truthful than she is, and that they played no part in creating the situation themselves? Those may be unwarranted assumptions. From personal experience I know that's not always the case. I really feel for your friend.

And if a person IS physically and/or mentally ill, I think it's very important that nothing is done to give the impression that friends or family are ganging up against that person.

Adieu

Hun, my thought was never to "manage" Suzie. Speaking to family members is ONLY information gathering. I know that things were rough for her when I lived next door and they got worse after we moved. Her partner sure wasn't any help as far as piling the work on her, but I know he loved her.

Seaking with her certainly is the most important part, but because she seems to be so easily confused by my statements and questions, I thought it was a good idea to get some information and perspectives from her other family members.

I'm still thinking about the situation so I haven't made up my mind how I'm going to proceed. Any and all input is more than welcome, so THANKS!