Can This Finally Work?

Of course I am asking a question that in reality no one can answer, not even using a magic eight ball but I think just having a reality check is important for me.

My husband and I have been through alot both together and seperatley the last 12 years with our marriage almost completly falling apart 8 months ago after a physical confrontation with him attacking me.

Since I have known him there has always been minor issues with our relationship I guess you could say that we both seemed to handle well together. I did not notice many things the first 5 years of our relationship though that jumped out as "red Flags" and he was a loving, supportive and caring father, husband and friend, at least on the surface. He was wasy to talk to, showed emotion, and was romantic. Now I did know that before I knew him he had a bad marriage, got married a to young, 17, and became a father, attempted suicide a couple times and suffered from depression, but I chalked that up to his 13 year "bad" marriage. I could relate to that being I came from a long term abusive marriage myself.

What I did not know is unlike my previous marriage my current husband hid ALOT from me while we were dating and appeared to be happy, and I know I definatley was.

Sometime in 2000, the same time we married issues and behaviors he had I suspect been both controlling and hiding came to light. Not to get into details it was then our marriage and relationship began it's downhill spiral.

It seemed everytime I would once again "trust" him he would do something stupid to undermine any trust I had given him. From 2001-2003 he hid things from me that when I finally found out I decieded I wanted a divorce because I felt I deserved better as did our children.

This caused him to attempt to kill himself and sent me into a state of confusion in my life as to our relationship etc...

Instead of properly addressing these issues he then shipped off to Iraq to leave me dealing with the family, personal issues and trust issues again. On his return he brought back a new problem called combat PTSD.

So here we are today, 3 years after his return and him honestly "wasting" those 3 years to get what is probably the crappiest treatment for his PTSD through the military VA. For three years his behavior got worse and worse and the VA's answer to all this was medication and more medication and once a month appointments for him to "vent". Of course my feeling lost in all this and not understanding what was going on with both myself, him and our family did not help matters. He shut me out of everything concerning his medical treatment leaving me frustrated as I watched him act more and more odd and violent with the VA's answer appearing to be more medication.

Obviously my attitude became worse and more and more distant as well as his and communication was the worst I have ever had with anyone. Him avoiding everything and me trying to hold everything together and getting overwhelmed. No more romance, intimacy or emotional connection between us has not helped either.

So here we are now, 2009 and I am finding out more and more it seems. We had seperated for 3 months back in April-July 2008 which should have been a good thing for us both, but he was lying to me again as to saving the marriage. He would love me one day deeply and hate me the next. It was not until I finally said I would no longer allow this behavior and left for two weeks cutting off all ties with him that he seemed to actually want to make things work.

That has not been easy either, he has fought me on everything since he has come back home, but with that said he has made steps to improve himself too. He finally admits he has issues too...(not blaming me anymore) He says he wants help and after getting all his papers from the VA and finding out that for 3 years they were not treating his other personality disorder along with the PTSD makes me angry! I had no idea he was diagnosed with something other then PTSD and knowing his fuill diagnosis makes a world of difference in how I care for me and deal with him.

We have gone together now to two appointments to confront the VA about this and questions concerning his medicines, getting a sleep apnia test done and a few other things for them to lie to our face, to ask where "we" got the other diagnosis from...(their OWN papers) and to realize they are NOT equipped properly to handle his mental health issues based on the "lack" of real therapy or treatments available here. Now we both are working to get these things addressed, work on changing ourselves and some bad behaviors and habbits we both have gotten into, and he has even signed a release finally to allow me to get information that he never cared about before in the past.

Anyway, this is draining me emotionally at times caring for him, the kids and having to monitor so much! His illness or the meds or sleep apnia has him so tired all the time he forgets even the easiet things. I have to leave posty notes all over, I have to remind him, or do things myself. I feel like a nurse somedays making sure he is NOW FINALLY taking his meds properly, asking the questions he never did about his own health care and I do not mind because I know right now he is unable but boy where is the romance gone? I miss my "husband". I miss him having emotions. I miss being cared for too.

BTW through all this I have gotten my own counseling off and on when we can finacually afford it and read alot on how to better my own self. It is not "all" him, though I will never OWN HIS bad and inappropriate behaviors ever....my issue is my own, one being PMDD, always great to have hormone issues on top of all this...lol

Anyway, sorry this is so long,and I truely am greatful for alot, but giving me some thoughts as to how to hang in there for this journey would be helpful by other who have been here?

I am scared, tired and sometimes so frustrated with the system and all of this. I am also distrustful yet of my husband and hope some how I can learn to trust him again...

Is this all normal? Healthy steps or unhealthy?

Thanks!!!!

Wow! Welcome to pc. This should be a great place for you! In addition to the relationship forum, we have a "normal" PTSD forum and a combat-related PTSD forum where you may find a lot of help. I am bowing out of offering any advice to, but I will offer you support! I'm so sorry you have your hands so full! You sound so well informed and ready to battle what you have to battle to keep you marriage and that's great!!

Thanks for the wonderful welcome!

I am going to be reading the other forums I am sure they will have some helpful information as I am finding out already by reading some of the postings!

It is good to find a place to "fit" in

You do not need a magic eight ball for the answers, the more I read your post, _you know deep down you _can get past all this trauma, and the two of you can and will head for a brighter future...yes the steps you take are strong and healthy ones! That is all you can do right now, take steps, small ones, towards getting back what you once had. The fact that he admitted to a problem after not being capable of that- wow! I, too, have a traumatic past and am taking steps (small ones too..) to create a brighter, more balanced future.

Here's to you and I, taking steps toward our futures, like this.....

I sure appreciate the responses by you both! It helps to have some focus and a small asist for a second wind I think

There is so much helpful information on this site it is wonderful to read others stories to help me know I am not alone

welcome to pc !! i'm glad you found us. whew, you and your H have gone through a lot together. with proper therapy, meds, and adherance to his taking his meds, he can get better. one of the things that baffles me the most is how did he get sent to iraq with a medical record of attempted suicide and some personality disorder?
my son is career military officer and my ex hus./vet it schizophrenic. so i am aware of things you all can do, i hope, to to help you.
first you didn't mention if your h is working. if he isn't, one thing you can do is apply for SSI or for ssd through the social security admins. this will provide some money/mo. but also give you another avenue for treatment for him through the state or medicare. his medical records certainly should make him eligible. he can also go out in the community to find a therapist and pdoc.
you might consider going the military route to find him totally disabled due to combat. one thing my son has told me is that the VA system doesn't want these snafus taking place, so i encourage you to go up the ladder of protocol to be heard. (your H owns some of this cause it doesn't sound like he was compliant with some of his treatment/meds but then again this is a sick man trying to get well.)
rather than going "up the wrong tree" can you tell me if your H has been in the military for a while...meaning before he went to iraq? then i feel i can better suggest things. while writing i found i was sort of steering you blindly and that won't help you.
can you give me more specifics on the military thing? can you give me his other diagnosis?
did want to share my personal story about combat ptsd. all three times my son went to iraq and returned home he had ptsd. i can truly relate to the upheaval this condition causes in the person and those that love him/her. there are avenues for you to help your H get the help he needs. i just want to reassure you.
and you need some therapy support to heal also. will be more specific if you want the info.
you can private message me, click on my name, or leave a reply here if you decide to. will be praying for all your family and especially at this time, your hubby.
hang in there. this is a wonderful, caring community of people. we're glad we can help.