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#1
Jan 10, 2009, 10:48 AM
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Hi everyone. I've posted my troubles in Women's but thought a male perspective might help too. Femailes too though LOL. Anyone....
My situation...my boyfriend and I have been together almost 2 years. In the beginning it started off hot and heavy and awesome. I enjoyed sex for the first time. About 6 months in it started tapering off. Normal, I know. Except it just continued to dwindle. It became a couple times a month. Last new years he had his first "performance issue". It happens, I thought nothing of it. We tried again a week later with the same result. Then on April 5 last year it was our anniversary. We tried again and he was a little more successful but still had a problem. We talked about it and he said he had the same problem in every relationship and it never got better. He said on our anniversary that was most improvement he'd ever had. We haven't done it since...... On April 24 I went blind. At first the no sex thing was really hard because I really thought it was me. We had a couple talks about it after I got into therapy. He assured me its not me. He said he's in a mid life crisi. He just turned 41. I just turned 30. I went blind and then his mom was diagnosed with cancer. He works full time and is in grad school. He said sex is the last thing on his priority list. Am I being selfish? My therapist doesn't think so. She's concerned for us and his health. I'm concerned about his health too, prostate issues and such. He needs to be tested for the cancer gene, as its hereditary. I've been patient...I used to be the same way in relationships, I would no longer want sex. I'm feeling guilty for that now as I see what it does..... My T said I need to have another talk with him about and I plan to probably tonight. I'm starting to go a little nutty. I know women hit their primes in their thirties. I'm starting to have dreams about him, and fantasies about tother men....I'm not a cheater but I'm starting to understand why people cheat..... Help? Guys, any thoughts? I'm going to approach it gently with him, in a non confrontational way. He said this is part of his anxiety diorder,t that since he's had problems with erections, he gets anxious about it. I just don't know what to do. For the most part I know its not me, I know he loves me. But at night on the weekends, I get depressed..... Thanks in advance...... Rayna
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#2
Jan 10, 2009, 01:12 PM
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Awwwww (((((((((( Rayna & BF ))))))))))))
I'm so sorry you are both going through this. It must be so hard on the both of you! There are a couple of things that pop out at me when reading your post. First, it sounds like he is under a LOT of pressure. I can completely understand the anxiety level he is having and how it could affect his performance. Not to mention the level of anxiety that comes from lack of performance....like a vicious circle finding no way off of it  You are right, he needs to have a physical and talk to a doctor about what's going on, not only about the gene testing but about his performance issues. I believe he will find he is not alone in that arena and hopefully it will help to know that. There are many things that the doc could suggest to him both medically and psychologically to help him. I can only imagine how embarrassed he must be feeling too. Another thing that pops out to me is that possibly each one of you has different goals which puts sex higher on one list than the other. There are also things you can do for yourself that might help take the edge off as well  (if you get my drift LOL)The both of you have been through so very much in the past year. Since some of the issues with his performance started before your blindness did, I would say that it isn't you he's having the problems with. Does he feel more pressured by you when you sit down and talk about the issue? If so, spinning it with the medical issue side of things and your concern for his health, both physically and mentally may help take some of that pressure off. Maybe you can plan a really romantic evening at home....make it a date night.....play some lover's games. There are so many things you can do in that realm that may help pique his interest I do hope that for the both of you things can be turned around. I'm sure it's quite frustrating and concerning for you both.  sabby Last edited by sabby; Jan 10, 2009 at 07:00 PM. |
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#3
Jan 10, 2009, 04:12 PM
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Thank you Sabby. Say, ccould you delete his name there? Tee hee thanks.
Yeah he did say one that talking about it makes it worse. I'm feeling so depressed today....I don't see the point in talking about it but my T wants me to. I'm having terrible dreams that leave me depressed. Normally these dreams would be good....just sex dreams. But they leave me so down. Yeah trust me I do for myself. Running out of batteries. Quite frankly, I'm getting sick of that. Its him I crave, not the stupid sensations. I'm just at my wits end. I had resolved to talk about it tonight b ut I'm sick of talking ab out it, and it goes nowhere anyway. Sigh. Better start deciding if this is just something I can accept.
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#4
Jan 10, 2009, 06:57 PM
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One word. VIAGRA.
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I am a 39 year old female that is diagnosed with bipolar disorder,anxiety disorder and post traumatic stress syndome. I'm on disability and often have no one to talk to when I'm not feeling so good. So please contact me if you'd like to talk or share or vent. I'm listening! |
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#5
Jan 10, 2009, 11:37 PM
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Maybe he needs to see a therapist as well? You said everything was going great until 6 months in. I can't speak from personal experience since I've never been in a relationship longer than 6 months. But I've always heard from friends and read in magazines that 6 months to a year is where things start to slow down. The new romance feeling is over and you might be falling into a routine which could make things less exciting. Maybe try some new stuff to spice it up a bit. Good luck
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#6
Jan 11, 2009, 03:45 AM
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(((Ray))) Men are so silly about these things! Sure it was difficult to tell my doctor that my antidepressants were killing my sex drive and made me dead below the waist, but I had to buck up and do it.
I think the only option you have is to tell him how this is affecting you and your relationship. My husband once told me that he didn't think I'd notice the change in our sex life. They have a way of sticking their head in the sand and if you're not very clear with them, they can pretend they don't know what you're talking about.
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I've been married for 24 years and have four wonderful children. |
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#7
Jan 11, 2009, 05:04 AM
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does he have an erection during REM sleep?
(e.g., in the mornings) if so... then it is psychological if not... then he needs to get a physical check up. can you see a relationships therapist together or something like that? help you guys figure out what might help... can be hard to figure it out and articulate sometimes... does he feel under pressure to perform? it might be that the initial 6 months simply is unsustainable... but things didn't fall back into a more comfortable routine... rather... he has developed some kind of performance anxiety... dunno... how is he with cuddling and massage and physical contact that doesn't (or isn't expected) to culminate in sex? there can be other ways to feel physical closeness than sex... ways that take the pressure off... |
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#8
Jan 11, 2009, 05:12 AM
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Minus the actual sex, are the two of you as physically affectionate?
A lot of times when there are problems in bed, overall physical touch goes down too. We all need to be touched, but it doesn't have to be sexual. If he is having a hard time with the actual act, try just being close and intimate in other ways. Back rubs, cuddling, holding hands. That will help with your needs for him, in a very non-pressuring way, and it might help him relax some too. |
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#9
Jan 11, 2009, 07:30 PM
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Thank you everyone for your replies.
I wanted to talk about the non sexual intimacy. My therapist and I have talked a lot about that and I told bf that since going blind, I can't see that he loves me. I used to see it in his eyes. I told him I needed more touch. This was months ago and he has been touching me more ever since. Like touching my back when he walks behind me, or kissing my forehead etc. So there's definitely been more of the non sexual intimacy. So I had planned on talking about this last night but I JUST DIDN'T WANT TO I'm sick of talking about it....we ended up putting a movie on and sitting close on the couch holding hands. I went to lay down after and he came in to find something on tv or me. We put on a movie and he laid with me for awhile just cuddling. I didn't make a move even though I wanted to. He got up to go out in the living room and I went to sleep. Today on our way to my Grandmas I said, "I almost started making out with you last night but didn't." He giggled. I then said, "Could I have? Would you have pushed me away?" He giggled some more and said I can always do that. So, maybe its an initiation thing. I think I'm gonna try some non verbal stuff before I try and make him talk about this stuff again. We shall see...Oh yeah, I think he does wake up with morning wood. Sometimes it takes him awhile to start that morning pee tee hee.
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#10
Jan 11, 2009, 08:08 PM
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Sorry you're going through these issues. While sex isn't the deciding factor in relationships, it does carry some big weight.
The first thing that came to mind when I read his age (41) was that perhaps his testosterone has declined. It's normal for levels to drop as we age, and it would have a definite effect on his libido. It could just be all the stress he's currently going through. But you said that this has happened to him with all his other relationships as well. The problem could be as simple as him getting bored with all his partners over time. Or maybe he has a fear of commitment and 2 years is the amount of time it takes him to realize you're not leaving anywhere soon. Since it's a recurring theme, I doubt there's anything you can do. He may need counseling of some sort. |
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#11
Jan 13, 2009, 11:20 PM
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Thanks for your post and welcome to PC. All very valid points. I'm gonna be talking to him about the testosterone levels. For now I'm just gonna try some more initiation and see if that helps. Just gotta get over my fear of rejection on that front.
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#12
Jan 14, 2009, 12:28 AM
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Quote:
Hey My friend ... Guys point of view , huh ? ..... It be not the blind part . So put that aside . School , work , other thinking , . More likely . He worry about you .! So ,, I say this as suggestion . [ Young ones who read here , turn away . L.O.L. ] Rayna , do oral and tell him you need that from him for familiarity . Tapes mouth shut ,,, blushes . WMD. |
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#13
Jan 16, 2009, 07:47 PM
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LOL thank you WMD. I'm gonna be trying more initiation. I never initiate because I don't want to be rejected, but somehow I think he likes a take charge woman.
Its not bothering as much right now...it bothers me and then it doesn't. Ebbs and flows.
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#14
Jan 17, 2009, 12:24 AM
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Quote:
ebbs , flows ,, NOW I Blushing .... O.K. ,,, If he likes watching sports avidly , not good time for take charge . L.O.L. Practice making dinner on stove , and say , ouch alot . Ask him to kiss and make it better . Big Grin . W.M.D. p.s. If he wonders how you got ouch there ? .. shrug shoulders and sheepishly say , ouch ? he he . |
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#15
Jan 22, 2009, 01:43 PM
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Only problem is I can't use the stove yet lol. I can only cook in the microwave. I'm trying to just chill right now, things are really bad for him at work right now.
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#16
Jan 22, 2009, 04:42 PM
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Rayna , I so believe in you , and I just got that feeling , You two will have things worked out , and back on track .
Maybe not this day , week , or month . But as the saying goes , " Hope springs eternal ". Or is that ,, with spring , comes hope . [ big smile , bigger hugs ]. W.M.D. |
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