Cheating to tell or not

If your partner was cheating on you, would you rather them tell you or never know?

I would rather know. It would be devastating to find out the wrong way. At least this way, I would find out there is a problem in our relationship and hopefully save it.

Mary Alice

In a perfect world I would hope my partner had the intelligence and compassion to tell me things were not working BEFORE he would cheat on me. But this isn't a perfect world is it.

Just be honest with me.....that's all I ask. If you can't stand the heat and need to look elsewhere.....just tell me and go. I have better things to do with my time then to be played with in a cheating world. I will get over it.....

Wow, I just realized how angry I sounded there...sorry bout that LOL.


sabby

I voted * I don't know *.

Reason being ,,,, IMO ,, it depends on more than just one or two >> cut ~n~ dry factors .

1.] ... the peeps age .
2.] ... how long they been a couple .
3.] ... whether living together or married .

Just because the toilet lid is left up ,, or cap not put back on toothpaste tube ,,, rarely a reason to * step out * .

Before wanting to be a couple ,, ya have to remember >> yous found each other ... So there was most likely some searching and exploring happening already .

[ point 1 & 2 from above ]

......................................................................................................

Now put # 3 into place ,, without marriage ,, at that point IMO >> I would have to also think about # 1 & #2 again .

Now a days ,, So many rarely get it right the first time ,,,,, so the communication structure must be in place >> and yas best have tough skin ,, if you are willing to * let it go , and see if it returns * .

Moving on ; input marriage and children , and shared obligations ........ At this stage of a relationship ,, again , IMO , this is when the *cheating* can happen due to life choices mentality ,, and not sure if done the right thing .
People do not only get cold feet before the " I do s' " .

All in all ,, infidelity is not an absolute * wake - up * call .
Just the [ sometimes ] culturally excepted thing ,, lack of communication thing ,, and maybe >> Just growing apart . Doesn't always mean a person/s/ have failed .

If the Heart was touched ,, and the reason to wish to be together in the beginning was strong ?,,,,Then ,, there is always a better chance to reconcile >> and find proper outlets >> without feelings being tromped all over .

And who has ever found , commitment , and day to day life >>> E A S Y ... ?

WMD . :/ .

If he wants to keep his thing he better NOT tell me....

Seriously though, I would rather not know, as they say what I dont know wont hurt me.

I dont think I could forgive I am not the forgiving type anyway so why would that change ?

We generally know without being told,,but it is the ever available denial that keeps us in the game...

Lenny

I was curious, to me honesty is the most important thing. I too would hope that my husband would tell me there was a problem before he acts on anything. But if he didn't, I would hope that he respects me enough to be honest with me.

there are many things that i would rather not know and this is one of them

Well after being in this position.....I can say with all confidence that if she wasn't being obvious about it, or if it was just a one night stand sorta speak.....then no...i would rather not know, as long as she would look in herself and work on it.
Now I am not sure if I came out and told anybody on here this, but I cheated on my wife when we were engaged. I am not making excuses for it (because there is none) but she was pressuring me for a date for the wedding. Well being in the military and being as things were changing every 2 seconds I told her I didnt know, but she would be the first to find out after I found out. One friday night (actually it was almost every night) she called me and wouldnt stop asking me when the date was. After I explained to her the situation, I guess the stress from planning the wedding and not getting a date from me got to her and she said "Well I dont know if I want to get married to you now"
That hurt and I was just like "Ok, if you feel that way, then dont marry me" and I hung up on her trying to apologize and such. Needless to say I was pretty pissed. Well as weird and unbelievable as it sounds, my cell phone took a crap on me and wouldnt hold a charge, turn on or anything after I hung up on her.
About 30 seconds later a buddy of mine from the barracks asked me what i was doing that night and I told him I didnt have any plans. He took me out drinking at a club where I met another girl and one thing led to another and I ended up sleeping with her. I never told her, only my best friend and now you guys. After I did what I did I looked to why I did it and didnt try to put blame on her for my actions.

My first post. Hello all, and good to see you. I voted yes to wanting to know, and fast. Control is a tricky business. Life and a long time in a 12-step fellowship have taught me that if you want to control other people, you're on a no brainer. At the same time, I so hate the thought of lah-lahing along in daily life with someone whose mind/body/spirit is elsewhere.

They say knowledge is power, but like all forms of power, it can work for you or against you. Plug in the kettle and you get a cup of hot coffee. Stick your finger in the socket and you're hurting. I want to know about the long periods that my husband is just ... away. I am very tempted to do some snooping, but so far have been able to step back from that destructive behaviour. Pretty sure that snooping is like a finger in the socket ... but. How do you deal with the "but"?

Glad to be here.

Yours aye

eden

I woul want to know.. though it would most likely end the relationship. I don't like to be in the dark about things. And I would rather feel betrayed rather than just be ignorant and living life blindly..
I'm pretty sure I would divorce my husband.. I can forgive but never forget. And I just don't think I could ever trust him again.

Nothing is gained from the truth. It only brings trouble, if he has no idea then you have no reason to tell him because by telling him you would be causeing pointless problems.

I'm quite surprised at the results. I wonder if age has anything to do with it. When I was younger I quite judgemental about the whole thing. But now I realize that if someone's cheating there's usually something quite wrong with the relationship. And in my view lying is much worse than cheating.

a person who hides nothing, has nothing to hide.....

I've been through that once (23 years ago), and knowing how it left me feeling after being told I voted NO if it was to happen again.

I am the emu, head in sand ...... if i was dieing I would not want to know either.

I voted "I don't know" because there are so many variables.

In my experience, he would have never told me to begin with. He was just a player. My anger, when I found out AFTER I kicked him out of the house, was at my neighbor. She knew and didn't tell me. She knew he was abusive and that I wanted out of the relationship. Knowing what he was doing would have ended that sick relationship a whole lot earlier and it would have been to my advantage as well as the two kids I had by him... which, BTW, were the only two kids he's had within the bounds of marriage. He's got a whole line of them from NY to CA.

I'm afraid that infidelity is the only thing that would break up a relationship with me. I can't say I wouldn't forgive, because I have. I don't want to live with that B******* tied to my back for the rest of my life! I've cut him off of me.

Angry? Just a bit, but at myself for making such a desperate decision to stay involved with him in the first place!

I answered I don't know because, I did know, he told me, it hurt but I stayed, it kept happening over 18 years but then I didn't want to know, I pretended everything was ok because we acted like everything was ok. Raised the kids, fell into a friendship marrage(I thought) and then he divorced me. Now I'm still very messed up that I lied to myself for 18 years and did not face it. Had to go through the whole thing of finding out it was even more distorted than I thought and the kids knew. Now they are angry with me for being so delussional all those years. Complicated but I just don't know what would have been right.

(((Septemeber))) I think there's a special place in hell for men (and women) that just create kids and move on.

yeah i have that same feeling too...and my soon to be ex wife is now planning on moving in with the neighbor that didnt tell me! Two peas from the same pod!!

I know neither one of us is leaving this house anytime soon... so I would not want to know...and If it were me... I wouldnt tell either.