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#1
Jan 25, 2009, 11:53 PM
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I have finally left the guy I was dating with...
I was in an abuse relationship with him, he wanted to control everything in my life for almost 3 years and even so, for him, I was not his girlfriend. I could not ask anything about his life, about his going out with "friends" (he never introduced me to one of them!) or traveling "alone"... I found out many lies he told me....many girls he met when he was with me.... Everytime I spent with him I was feeling worse and worse....I could not trust him at all....He was not giving me any affection or anything! I was just there to cook for him..... So last saturday I had enough of his lies and left.... And now I feel so bad!Really bad....like my life does not make sense at all....and that I was so stupid for leaving him... He was the worst person in my life....my good friends always told me I should not take his bad attitude towards me.... I know they are right, but why do I feel like this? I thought I should feel relieved but is quite the opposite! We have some common friends and I dont know what to say to them....probably they like him more than like me....I feel that I am losing so much by not being involved with him anymore.... I dont know what to do....I don't have many friends, I am not outgoing person.....for me is not easy to just start dating again (like it is for him...) What should I do to take this pain out of my heart? It really hurts |
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#2
Jan 27, 2009, 06:06 PM
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I am divorcing my wife bc she was cheating on me and wouldnt change. Granted, it isn't physical abuse but it has left scars on me that will always be there. Here is something that has helped me out and I think it will help you out too.
A monologue from Tyler Perry in "Madea Goes to Jail" It’s ok to cry, be depressed or upset about it for a minute but don’t stay there too long. Get up and go on with your life. This is what I’ve learned in all these years I’ve been on this earth: if somebody wants to get up and walk out of your life, Let. Them. Go. Especially if you know you’ve done everything you could do. You’ve done sat around and been the best man or the best woman you could be, and they still wanna go? Let. Them. Go. Whatever they’re runnin’ after, they’ll see what they had in a minute, but by then it’s gonna be too late. ‘Cause you’ll sit there and you’ll go…’cause half these ppl you’ve been sittin around cryin about, in 2-3 years from now you won’t even remember their last name. How many times you seen folk somewhere and you go, “what the hell was I THINKING?!” I’ve been there, thought, “What was I going through? I must’ve been lonely as hell to hook up with you!” Let folks go honey. Some people come into your life for a lifetime, and some come for a season. You got to know which is which. And you’re gonna always mess up when you mix them Seasonal People up with Lifetime expectations. There are people that went and got married to someone they were only supposed to be with for a season. And they wonder why they have so much hell in they’re life. That was a person who was supposed to come and teach them one thing, they didn’t know so they fell in ‘love’ and now they wonder why they have no peace nowhere they go. Listen, I put everybody that comes into my life in the category of a tree. Some people, are like leaves on a tree: the wind blow, they’re over here. They’re unstable. The wind blow, they over there. The weather changes, they wither up and die – they’re gone. And that’s alright. That’s some people; most people in the world are like that, they’re just there to take from the tree. That’s all they do, take from the tree and give shade now and again. That’s all they can do. But don’t get mad at people like that, that’s who they are, they’ll never be anything but a leaf. That’s what they were put on this earth to be – a leaf. Some people, are like a branch on that tree. You gotta be careful with them branches too, because they’ll fool you. They’ll get there and make you think they’re a good friend and that they’re strong, but the minute you step out there on them? They’ll break and leave you high and dry. But if you find you two or three people in your life that are like the roots at the bottom of that tree? You are truly blessed ‘cause them the kind of people that ain’t going NO WHERE. They ain’t worried about being seen, don’t nobody have to know that they know you, they ain’t got to know what they’re doing for you, but if those roots weren’t there that tree couldn’t live. You understand? A tree can have a hundred million branches, but only a few roots down at the bottom to make sure it gets everything it needs. I’m telling you honey, when you get you some roots, hold on to them. The rest of ‘em? Just let them go. Let folks go. *but, it’s not always that easy…* Nobody said it was gonna be easy! But it’ll get easier when you learn how to love yourself. When you get to a point in your life when you look at people and go: “okay, wait a minute. You? Or me?” You will make a decision. Look, I’ve never just thrown nobody away. I’ve never in my life just thrown somebody away, just say: “don’t bother me. Don’t talk to me no more.” I have never done that. What I do is, I tell them: “look here, this thing you’re doing right here? That’s gonna cause a problem – you need to fix that. ‘Cause if we gonna be friends, you gotta fix it. If you don’t, we gonna have an issue.” Now, if you see someone fix it, or they even trying to fix it, that’s someone that cares. Keep them around. That’s a leaf that’s trying to grow up and be something else. You understand? But if you tell somebody that what they’re doing is hurting and they need to stop it, and they keep doing it? They don’t care – move on. Let them go. No matter how much it hurts, let them go. And it’ll get easier, I promise you . Everyday it will get easier and easier and easier. You just got to make it through. You hear me honey? |
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#3
Jan 28, 2009, 02:21 AM
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Thank you so much ncguynva!
 Thanks for caring  It is so useful! It is calming me everytime I read it  . The best thing is that I could realized that I am not that alone if I am not with him.... I do have few but strong roots! They are helping me not to drown in my sadness. But some others just don't care.... it is hard when someone near you does that. I feel betrayed because I could made it very clear what my problem was and they could not even show some empathy.......just keep getting their indifference  It hurts so bad. Everything hurts....hearing his name, meeting people that knows him, and ohhhh the memories......most of them are really bad....the lies, lack of respect and betrayals...remembering that for him, every bad action and attitude he had towards me was my fault (and exclusive my fault).  I never cheated on him. It never cross my mind being with other guy even after he mistreated me so grievously.... I am (and my good root-friends are also) 100% that I did not deserve the kind of treatment he was giving me...but one thing I can't understant is that....I keep remembering only bad things, bad moments and how ugly and dirty he really is....and still, I suffer because I am not with him and he doesn't care we are not together anymore... Why do I care about him? I just want to get rid of all these feeling I have for him.....
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#4
Jan 28, 2009, 07:31 AM
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really I couldn't think of better words than the ones from nc guy! Don't worry time cures everything....
__________________
 "You shall hear the truth in respect to the prisoner Rappaccini, and his poisonous daughter." -N. Hawthorne "Be slow to fall into friendship; but when thou art in, continue firm and constant." - Socrates |
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#5
Jan 30, 2009, 03:53 PM
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Quote:
I understand that we most likely become addicted some way to the abuse that our partner put us through and we can look past it only bc we want teh worst part to be over. But here is the question you have to ask yourself "Can you see yourself with him, the way he is right now in say a year? 2 years? Or are you going to end up so stressed out you start to get gray hairs and your hair starts to fall out?" I have had both and many more reactions to the stress that I am going throug right now with her and the seperation/divorce. A million hugs to start the healing process 
Last edited by ncguynva; Jan 30, 2009 at 04:20 PM. |
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#6
Feb 04, 2009, 12:00 AM
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Hi ncguynva!
I read that you are passing through a tough time. I hope you can overcome this turbulence pretty soon. I was not married but lived like I was....actually during almost 3 years I was willing to submit myself to all his abuse because I wanted so much that our relationship could work out. He lied a lot. He cheated a lot. He dissimulated a lot. And never treated me like I was even his good friend.....I think he was ashamed of me After I left him, I didn't write or call. But he did. He used very bad words, and demanded explanations for the most silly things. I answered him, replied his questions and asked for HIS explanations....he told me that all of our discussion was not about him, that he could do anything he wanted to do (i.e going out/travel/have sex/ with other girls) and that I was aware of that because we were not bf and gf for him.....And in the end of his speech, he prohibited me to go places we might meet... places I was used to go everyday!!!The worst part is that I said ok... What is wrong with me?? Why he has to be such a bad and false person all the time? Affff....sometimes I feel I am fine, I can survive but the truth is....it is taking too long
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