[--Su--]

Hi everyone!
I am new here...
I would like to ask some advise on how can i walk away from a guy who is destroying my life? We are together for 2 years and we live in a small city. he says i am not his girlfriend and i shouldnt expect anything from him. at the same time he is asking every detail of my life, demanding explanations, getting angry if i am not there for him....
he wants to read my emails and check my msn. he wants to check my cell phone.....in the begining i let him.....but now, i say that i will let him do that if he let me see his things as well.....then he says that he will never allow and that our "relationship" is not a democracy.....
he never introduced one of his friends....we never go out together....
he travels "alone" all the times, even though he knows i dont have any other plans and that I would like to go with him...
He says he likes me but I am starting to doubt it...i thing he cheats a lot on me...
I dont have any advantage from being with him.....I dont want to spend the rest of my life with someone so mean and dirty like he is.... but somehow (and that is my real problem) i just cannot be away from him....he doesnt threat me or does anything stupid.....when we fight and we are apart it seems he enjoys my absence.... why cant i enjoy too? i dont like him and he is just ruining my life. i have lost many friends and opportunities because i was with him....
please tell me, what should i do?
Thanks

[BlueFaith]

A relationship takes work and commitment from both people. It seems to me like he's wanting to take, take, take... and for you to give, give give. That's not fair to you. I think you should drop this guy, and find a person that wants to be with you and put forth the time and effort to make a real relationship work. You deserve that and much more. Best of luck.

[--Su--]

Thanks! I am very confused now.
I know I am not in a healthy relationship. The problem is that I don''t know how to get out of it. It is like I am addicted to this situation even though it is a very bad one...
I just wish this guy could be honest and respect me by just being away from me....
Happy new year!

[bebop]

do you and this guy live together? geesh my husband does not go thru my stuff!

[salix11]

Basically, he does not respect you. He doesn't respect you enough to commit to you, he won't even 'give' to you in any way, does not respect your right to having your own belongings, your own space and time apart from you, he even came right out and told you he will not have a mutual, healthy relationship with you. This guys sounds like a piece of work. You really should kick him out of your life in every way that you can. Do not allow him access to your cell and your computer if you can cut those off, do not ever "explain" things to him anymore, let him know he has no right to demand things from you or treat you with disrespect. At least, try these things if you live with him unless he's actually physically dangerous. But you do not deserve that treatment and I think you should disconnect from him totally, and if you're not living with him that will be easier to make a clean break.

You said you don't want to spend the rest of your life with someone so mean - prepare to get the parasite out! Push him away. He might not threaten you, but he definitely puts his hatred onto you and does not respect you. That's just as bad as threatening and hitting, and it can leave longer lasting scars and pain. It sounds like he is probably sometimes nice to you and that can be addictive when it's gone. It might help to make a list of all the mean things he does to you and look it over when you feel attached to him and think you need him emotionally. Think about if all the bad things are even worth the pain. Heck, even think about your loss of friends and opportunities due to him. I bet if you do this, over time he will become more and more distasteful to you, I became disgusted with the man who did these things to me even though I missed him at first.

Demand no contact if you can. Just keep demanding no contact, without explaining since it'll feed into his crap. Just tell him it's over and you no longer want to talk in any form. If you have to, get a restraining order. The pull to go back to him will be strong at first, it might help to read about emotional and verbal abuse and control, find some books and websites about it, and if you can find some sort of outside support, that would be great too.

[sanmurphy]

I am in a similar situation - husband controlling but not responsible. All I can offer is what I am trying to do which is mentally prepare myself to move on away from him. I was already dealing with depression when I got married & I think that's why I made such poor decisions and am having a hard time breaking away from him. I can only offer you my wish for strength as you deal with this.

[sanmurphy]

I forgot to add before that sometimes it's easier to make small steps. Like I said, having to get away from my husband is something I know is right, but doing it is hard - partly because it's such a big change for me. So, I have been trying to let go in little steps - first, trying not to react to him the way I have in the past. I also have been trying to assert myself a little more and point out to him the way his treatment of me makes me feel. To be perfectly honest, I am beginning to wonder if he has more of a problem than I do!

[pseu]

It sounds like you are in an emotionally abusive and uncaring relationship. He seems lonely, frustrated, dependent, possessive... he is problematic and victimizing you. Unless he is willing to undergo long-term therapy and truly change for you (and it does not seem like he is), it would probably be detrimental to both your and his mental health for you two to stay in a relationship.

It won't let me post links, but if you Google "abusive relationships", the first website has some informative pages. Look at the characteristics of an abusive relationship and see if they fit your case. And remember that if you can't do it alone, find people you trust to help you along the way.

Good luck.

[--Su--]

Thanks everyone!
I know this guy for 2 years....he was my first love and he gave me the worst pain I ever felt....betrayal, disrespect....I feel like I am not worthy enough...
We don't live together...but most of the time we are together....I dont feel good being with him, but being without him is worse...and I dont why....
I know he will not change and that if I stay with him it will only prolongate my suffering....
I will try harder to stay away from him. I will make the list. And I hope that soon I'll be posting here just to say how better I became
Thank you so much

[snow]

Hi there,

I hope you can get the love you deserve. Marriage, relationships are give and take. His statement this is not a democracy is difficult for me to hear.
Continual bad statements, control and his seeing others is difficult. Your self esteem will be effected. I hope you find someone to love you deeply and honestly.

I have had a diary for about 10 years. My husband has never read it.

Snow.

[christyv]

"he says i am not his girlfriend and i shouldnt expect anything from him."

"he was my first love and he gave me the worst pain I ever felt....betrayal, disrespect...."

--Su--
You have to find the courage to stand up to him and tell him you don't want to see him anymore. Once you say it you'll need to stick to it. Tell him he can't check your emails or phone logs anymore. These things aren't any of his business! You have to be strong... it will be difficult but you will feel so much better about yourself once you realize you are actually in control of your own life and not some guy who says he's not your boyfriend. Best of luck to you, Su!

Be Strong!

~Christy

[--Su--]

Hi! Thank you everybody! I am so glad I found PC! All of you are helping me a lot during this turbulent period of my life.
As YoungModern said, I know I am too generous with him... and this is not good! He is just taking everything and demanding more and more...He is so selfish but still it is almost impossible for me to say no to him. He doesnt deserve anything from me. But somehow I get scare "to lose him"....(while I am writing this I can not believe myself! how stupid am I???) Probably losing him would be the best thing that could happen in my life right now...
I read a lot about emotional abuse as salix11 and pseu suggested. I didnt know much about it but now I can tell that definitely I am in one . The sad part of this discovery was that once my good friend told me about it.... and I got angry with her! Can you imagine?
I am trying to stay away from him as much as I can, but eventually we always meet and I do whatever he asks for...and I hate it!
I want to become disgusted with the him soon! I want to loose myself from his influence, you know?
My self esteem is crushed! It's been hard to be myself since I met this guy...
I am trying to be strong but I wish I could find a switch in my mind that could just turn all my thoughts about him off...

[quote=--Su--;909253]Thanks everyone!
..he was my first love and he gave me the worst pain I ever felt...
.I feel like I am not worthy enough...
.I dont feel good being with him, but being without him is worse...and I don't know why/ [quote]

Hi Su,
I hope you have been able to remove yourself from this man.

hes an abuser and hes getting off on controling you .

hes your only friend because your trying so hard to get him to treat you well.
there are others out there that can and will treat you better.
Im sorry hes your first one.

Look and see if your father was like this. I have a poem in the creative corner adressing this sort of horrendous treatment .

Be strong and stay away and become aware of your need for" crumbs" given in a relationship. Are you afraid of someone who may want to be around you and with you? It's not about you . Hes done and will do this to others.

Good luck to you.

Patricia

[--Su--]

Thanks Patricia

I read your poem! Really nice! You are very talented

I never thought that he could be like my father....for me, they were so different..... but then, after reading your reply, I start to look deeper and pay attention on how my father is.....and unfortunately, you were right because he is quite the same....I don't know if he has ever cheated on my mother, but I got strong feeling that my mom gave much more in their relationship...

I stopped seeing the guy. I wrote a thread about it.
Actually all the people here in PC helped me and gave me strengh to finally do it.
I could understand that I was in an abusive relationship.
However, I must admit that I dont feel better.
I miss him everyday, I cry everyday, I lose many hours just thinking of him. And I hate that! I lost almost 3 years with this guy and now that I could finally left him, I still feel a prisoner of our relationship.

I am struggling every day, but I do not call him or write...
But he did.....and he acted the same he always did....demanding explanations and saying that all his bad attitudes were all my fault! this time he even prohibited me to go to places I might see him.... And the bigger problem is that I replied and agreed with him....I feel like I am a big looser.
How and when will I become strong enough to just ignore this bad person?