Don't know anymore

First post on my relationship but i needed popular opinoin. I have been married for 3 yrs. We both had drug issues when we met. Sickly happy at first, but when we started to get clean not so much. He went to work states away last Feb. By the first weekend home he had already met someone else. And i was losing my grip on reality, then 3 weeks later i found out about her. He said he couldn't stand being away from me and not on drugs, so i moved to be w/him. He continued to talk to her for awhile but hasn't in months. Now i find that he talks ***** to other women when his online. Not too much personal but crude comments and lie about his $. When i confronted him about it he said he didn't mean anything by it, but it still made me feel like I wasn't enough. The more i think about it the worse i feel. He come in my life and sweeped me off my feet along with my kids. I don't want to make a big deal over nothing because he takes all my issues in stride and he takes good care of all of us, but our relationship is starting to like we co-exist not love one another? what do you think?

It sounds like you've both been through quite a lot. I really admire your courage. I think you have to find out if he's traded one addiction for another, specifically attention from other women. For your own sake, and that of your children you have to find out if he's dedicated to this relationship. What does your gut tell you? If you think it's worth fighting for lay some ground rules, couples councelling etc and fight for your relationship. But if this is too draining on YOU, sometimes the best thing you can do is cut your losses.

Melissa, I'm glad you're here. But I don't think you should be looking for a popular opinion. You need to figure out what you want because this relationship will affect you not any of us. The fact you're here, at PsychCentral, is really encouraging for me to see because it shows you're willing to take initiative in making your relationship better.

Take time to figure out how you feel about this situation. Are you happy with him talking to other women in the way you've explained? Do you feel like you still love him? If you still love him, is it worth working through this potential conflict?

These are all questions you should ask yourself. A relationship is 100%/100% from each person, not 50%/50%. He may "take all your issues in stride" but that doesn't mean you have to enable something he does (talking to other women) if it hurts you and your relationship with him.

Best Wishes,
Biggs

((Melissa))
His actions are no reflection on you. So please let go of any guilt you may be feeling right now.
You are a worthwhile and beautiful woman who deserves to be treated with respect.

Cap

Melissa, there is something else to consider. Are you trying to salvage this relationship out of fear - fear of being able to manage all your financial and parental resources on your own, without this man's help.

This issue, I wonder if maybe it comes just after the love issue. If you love him and he loves you then find the way to get help for the issues. Problems can be overcome and it's not easy. I need to do some of these things myself. So, I know they are hard. I hope things work out well for you and your family.

leslie and the pixies

I think you head the nail on the head Mult- I am scared to do these things on my own, cause honestly when I did i was horrible at it. But I do love him. I sat down and talked to him yesterday about how i feel. Can u believe i never told him when the abuse ended? He thought it was 10-15 years ago not only a year before i met him. No wonder he could never understand why i'm still dealing with it. he said he's whole outlook of me changed. He also said he couldn't believe how strong i have been! Later last night he gave me a love letter that was so sweet. And has apoligized for all he's done again. He promised to talk to me more about what i want which of course made me beam. Thanks all for the advice and opinons you all are so wonderful.