[Helpbegood]

Have wasted 20 years of my life with the wrong person and have inflicted this relationship on 2 kids. I am withdrawn, I cry everyday, I am a shell of a person. Imagine everyday being told everything you do is useless, every action you take criticised. No respect or validation in anything you do. He has no concept of the toll years of being told everything is wrong has on me nor does he care. I want to leave but recently he has started to become physical with me, not full on aggression but I can see it escalating. He won't leave the children and tells me constantly he's only there for them. He spent 3 hours the other day telling me all what I am, I have no voice to reply as I am interrupted every time I speak or anything said about him is ignored and turned back on me he's a narcassist and I'm so angry with myself for being with someone like this. As a father he's great, he has always provided for his family and works hard but this is where his level of support stops. He had an affair for 18 months and no doubt other affairs
before and I should have left then but I had a newborn baby and a 2 year old when I found out and desperately wanted it to work I know how idiotic this sounds. I grew up without my Dad and I just wanted more for my kids, it's was dilusional of me and stupid for me to keep hold of a desire for my kids to grow up in a home with their dad. I met him when I was 15 years old and we were together 14 years before having kids. The signs were there though and it's my fault for not leaving when I was younger. I was vulnerable when I met him already depressed I think and he was a child put in care so it was not a good idea to be together in hindsight but he wasn't like this at all when I met him, it took a year before the verbal abuse started but by then it was too late I had him on this pedestal and loved him completely, I thought he loved me too until
I got pregnant. Like most abusive relationships when it's good I'm really happy but it doesn't last long.

I am so unhappy, I am so sad for my kids after the affair I have become a shell of a person and I try so hard to be a good Mum but I cry a lot in front of them and my son is high energy possibly ADHD and I struggle and feel overwhelmed. I have started studying to try and do something positive and that has turned into me being selfish as studying means the house is dirty and messy, he's also told me it is not a good idea for me to go into the career I want as I'm so stupid and unable to multi task.

I wish someone could come and take me and my kids away and I never see him again, I am so alone. I have no one to talk to, I've lost friends and no one wants to be around me as I'm so depressing. I hate life, wish I could run away. if I didn't have the kids I would be on the next plane and away from here, I feel completely trapped. Every morning I wake up with dread of the day. I love my kids so much and want so much more for them I feel I have failed them, I feel overwhelmed with the responsibility and don't want them to grow up with issues. I need help.

How the hell did I allow myself to get into this mess

Hey you first of all: This is not your fault! everything looks so clear in hindsight - but you've done what you've done for good reasons.
Next: you need to leave. Now. Take your kids and move where ever you have to. I'm not sure, do you still have family? Call your mum - I'm sure she'll take the three of you in, untill there's a better solution. And if that's not possible, there must be other ways - places they take in women whose men is abusive.
And lastly: don't listen to him. You're smart to start studying. You should keep going, whatever he says. He should not be able to ruin your dreams. Don't listen to him, and get out of there.

[Helpbegood]

Thank you Danishgirl, I am fortunate to have a supportive mother, she has health issues but I know she would take us in. I will speak to her today, I know she wants us there. I did take my bags up yesterday but my little boy started being a tinker and my mum started stressing about little things and I got stressed and left. thank you for your reply

[Simone70]

Home? National Domestic Violence Helpline

I second what Danishgirl has said. To me, it sounds like he is escalating. The time to go is now (((((Help)))))). If you are depressed, seek treatment, talk your GP. But most of all, ring the help line above and get their advice on how you can get out. You don't have to do it alone. These people will help you every step of the way. And please keep in mind that you need to be very discrete and very organised about how you leave. If he is a narcissist, you leaving with the kids will make him very angry, and that is when you and the kids will be most at risk.

Please get out. If not for you, then for the kids. They are better off with a mum who doesn't tolerate abuse. Don't let them grow up one more minute in a toxic environment. You all deserve so much better.

Please know that you are not a failure, that's a lie your pathetic husband wants you to believe, but it isn't true. You're a battered woman who has had the stuffing knocked out of her by an abusive ahole. You can be strong again.

I say all this from experience, I have been there, I just didn't stay so long. I left my abusive NPD ex when my son was 11 days old. And I never looked back. You can too.

Please keep posting and know that there is lots of support if you keep reaching out. *hugs*

[Helpbegood]

Thank you Simone, i appreciate the telephone number. He is most definately a narcissist, the last time 2x I tried to take the kids to my mums he wouldn't let me leave and tells me he's here for the kids and I am taking them away and being manipulative. You can't reason with unreasonable. Today, I managed to get to mums as he was out. This will only be temporary though, I will have to go home and that's where I will have a problem I think as he has nowhere to go. Everything you are all saying is right and I know what I need to do now, it's getting worse as the years go on and it's not fair on any of us. Thank you for your support.

[Simone70]

Originally Posted by Helpbegood

Thank you Simone, i appreciate the telephone number. He is most definately a narcissist, the last time 2x I tried to take the kids to my mums he wouldn't let me leave and tells me he's here for the kids and I am taking them away and being manipulative. You can't reason with unreasonable. Today, I managed to get to mums as he was out. This will only be temporary though, I will have to go home and that's where I will have a problem I think as he has nowhere to go. Everything you are all saying is right and I know what I need to do now, it's getting worse as the years go on and it's not fair on any of us. Thank you for your support.

If you can get him to leave the family home so you can move back in with the kids, then all the better. He may never allow that to happen. It may take courts deciding on division of assets for there to be any kind of fairness when it comes to housing. Consider going into the housing that DV services can offer you. They may not be ideal, but they are safe. Having somewhere to live that he can't find you during that danger period when you first leave is something you should seriously consider. I can't stress enough, that when you leave, the period immediately after is when you are most at risk. Don't underestimate his potential to harm you or the kids. You may think he never has before, so he won't now. Leaving changes everything. I'm saying this because I have been there with a narcissist and have had numerous professionals in the fields of psychology and child protection tell me the same thing. Now is when you are most at risk.

Please take care and let us know how you get on.

[LucyD]

I'm sorry you are so depressed and in this situation with a person who sounds like a complete jerk. You have tried your best and he has been beating you down so much that you are starting to believe what he says. He is very wrong. Keep up the studying and aim to get away from him. It's harder said than done I know but you will be much better off without him. I also strongly suggest you get counseling for yourself or couples counseling if he will go too. I sort of doubt he would go but you never know. Please take good care of yourself. Much love and peace to you dear.

[TishaBuv]

My sister's ex husband would tell her she was too stupid to understand anything so he could maintain control of all their finances and rob her blind! Also, he doesn't want you to get the career, become independent, and leave him.

[*Laurie*]

If you can possibly get out of the relationship, do so. I've been in a so-called "marriage" for 30-plus years, it sound a lot like yours. I'm financially stuck in this torture...so lonely, so alone. The longer you wait, the harder to get out. Sounds cliche, but it is so very true.