Help Please I'm Drowning...

Today is just the most awful day. I can't figure out what to do.

My son has leukemia and is supposed to start his next phase of chemo next Monday. But he woke feverish and with a nose full of crap today. So we are waiting for a call back from the doctor to figure out what to do next. He may have to delay his next round now.

In the meantime my darling cat companion is scheduled to be euthanized today. I can barely stand that as it is.

Somewhere in the middle of all of is this me....but I'm not sure who me is right now.

My husband didn't even say goodbye to my cat this morning when he left for work. And I know he won't even ask about her tonight when he comes home. I know he doesn't care about her, but I feel that if he really cared about me then he would at least acknowledge her passing.

I honestly don't know how to deal with this. My son and I are fighting and I know he is lashing out to me because he is angry about his situation. But I am wrung out today. I feel like I am going to implode.

I just want to find a safe place to grieve for my own loss today, that of my kitty. But there is no haven in this house. And if I leave my husband will accuse me of being a drama queen. My husband has a bad temper and is emotionally abusive. I just don't want to have to subject myself to that today. But when I get like this (emotional, pulled in too many directions) that is how he responds and I end up having to defend myself and my feelings.

I just want a place to go and cry and if anyone wants to comfort me then so be it. But I don't want people around me who feel like they HAVE to comfort me because it is their job or their responsibility.

Does anyone has any suggestions?

((((((((((Hugs and prayers for you and your kitty)))))))))))))))

Losing a friend - even if it's a furry one - is always so hard. I'm sorry you're not getting the emotional support you deserve.

Can I ask you a question? Do you feel burdened when another person needs emotional support, or needs someone to be there to help them grieve? If you don't... then I don't think anyone else is going to feel "obligated" to listen to you and help. That's what a good friend does, someone who cares about you - even when you're feeling crappy and need someone to give you a hug and tell you that they care.

Do you have any close family you could talk to right now? Someone you could spend some time with to grieve this loss - somewhere you're supported? Dealing with an emotionally abusive spouse must be hard and draining - on top of being a caregiver for a sick child. That's not fair to you. Are you doing anything for YOU? Try to schedule "me time". Easier said than done... but do try.

We're all here for you. Welcome to PsychCentral.

We've got a bunch of good forums here:

Grief & Loss: http://forums.psychcentral.com/forumdisplay.php?f=26 where you can talk about your pretty cat. Yes, we talk about our pets here when we lose them. That's more than allowed.

Caregivers Support: http://forums.psychcentral.com/forumdisplay.php?f=20 a place to vent about having to deal with your son's illness, since he is not the only one dealing with it.

Healthy Parenting: http://forums.psychcentral.com/forumdisplay.php?f=52 is a good place to talk about how to deal with your son on his cranky days or just to vent about having to raise a kid.

Survivors of Abuse: http://forums.psychcentral.com/forumdisplay.php?f=14 a place where you can seek advice about how to deal with an emotionally abusive spouse or anyone else.

Thanks for your observations and posts. Good questions:

Your question about comforting others gave me pause. But in the end I would say, no, I do not feel burdened when others need comfort. If anything I have a hard time separating myself from other people's pains. So I get overloaded with the pain of others.

I always want to bear the burden of other people's problems. My own emotions are so complex and I have never really felt loved by anyone other than my children and a few friends. But even then, I do not trust the people other than my children.

I am very close to my youngest son (close to my oldest too, but in a different way). But I don't like to show him my pain because he has his own problems and even though he is almost an adult now (almost 21) I still believe in the mother/son relationship.

Even with that though he was very helpful yesterday and helped me through the day. He did offer that he thought I was maybe wrapping my upset over my other son's cancer into the declining health of my cat, so we chose not to euthanize her. While I would rather be absolutely sure that it is her time, I am still questioning myself.

Well, for several years, I used the car. I had to drive in the car a number of places by myself so as soon as I would go in the car, I would cry. Every day. It almost become Pavlovian: enter car, floodgates open. Unfortunately, it started happening when my kids were in the car too. Thankfully they sat in the back seat so often couldn't see. If one of them did notice, I would make up stuff, like "Mom's sad because her father's sick," etc. It really helped having a place to go to cry and release that stress of holding it in. You could also try the bathroom where you live.

I am glad your kitty is still with you and hope the new medicine for her helps.

Thank you. This is an all too familiar situation for me, too. Unfortunately my kids now sit in front seat...but still the car is a comfort.

Finding an excuse to go somewhere at 9 at night is always a challenge....but I do so appreciate hearing that I am not the only one that has done this.

Thank you again. You really helped in more ways than I can say.

Hi tablarosa,

I am so sorry to hear about your son's illness. That alone would be a very difficult situation to deal with. Anything above and beyond that, I can't comprehend how you deal with day to day.

As for your poor kitty and your husband's lack of concern about your feelings, perhaps he is feeling overwhelmed too, but not admitting it because "he's a man and can handle it?" It does sound like he is not dealing with you, or anything, in a loving or constructive way.

But maybe your feelings about the potential loss of your cat could be an openning for communication between yourself and your husband. You can ask for what you need from him. Acknowledge that he may not have any deep feelings for the cat - his feelings, or lack of them have to be validated. But let him know that you do have feelings about kitty and you need him to show some concern about YOU and YOUR FEELINGS concerning your kitty's death.

You can't expect him to cry or pretend to care about the cat if he does not. But he is your husband so you should be able to assume he does care about you. Tell him how you feel, that you would like him to at least care about your feelings of sadness, or what ever, over having to put your kitty to sleep. Just because we sometimes have to ask our loved ones to give us what we need does not make that a negative or bad thing. There's nothing wrong with asking for what you need. And it could be the start of a better relationship as you open up about your honest feelings.