[ArianeB]

So I moved away from my BF several months ago. We'd met while I was living in a place far from home. I really didn't like it, couldn't make money, and wanted to move home. He didn't know if he wanted to move somewhere else with me, so, heartbroken and confused, I thought the best thing would be to move back and see what would happen. Three months later, he's had ups and downs about where our relationship will go (as have I), my work life is going great back at home though. Things are good. While he says he wants a future with me, the only concrete plan he's made to be together is to plan a quick visit coming up. Without any real sign that we'll have a long term future, this visit just makes me feel more sad. While I'm proud of how I've made a new life here, I feel like he'll find my life boring, and wonder why I don't have a more vibrant social life. Moreover, without knowing where things are going, I jus think I'll feel sad. Lately, when we talk on the phone, he barely asks about what I'm up to and always says he can't talk long. Without feeling support from him in the present, I'm so nervous about the visit and wonder what's the point. So confused. How should I approach this situation?

[marjan]

Originally Posted by ArianeB

So I moved away from my BF several months ago. We'd met while I was living in a place far from home. I really didn't like it, couldn't make money, and wanted to move home. He didn't know if he wanted to move somewhere else with me, so, heartbroken and confused, I thought the best thing would be to move back and see what would happen. Three months later, he's had ups and downs about where our relationship will go (as have I), my work life is going great back at home though. Things are good. While he says he wants a future with me, the only concrete plan he's made to be together is to plan a quick visit coming up. Without any real sign that we'll have a long term future, this visit just makes me feel more sad. While I'm proud of how I've made a new life here, I feel like he'll find my life boring, and wonder why I don't have a more vibrant social life. Moreover, without knowing where things are going, I jus think I'll feel sad. Lately, when we talk on the phone, he barely asks about what I'm up to and always says he can't talk long. Without feeling support from him in the present, I'm so nervous about the visit and wonder what's the point. So confused. How should I approach this situation?

hi dear,

I had kinda same situation with my ex boyfriend and he wanted to visit me when I just moved to the new location for job....I wasn't ready at all....I didn't have a place to stay even and he was planning his visit....I hate to think about it now....guys are so selfish....
I think you should just be relaxed and see what will happen....if you really don't feel comfortable him visiting you, then just tell him....doesn't he tell you that he's busy and can't have long talk on the phone? then you can tell him that you are busy and you don't want him to visit you now....be open and tell him your concern, whatever you have in your mind....don't be scared and don't get angry at him....you don't know how he will approach....If he's going to be your future husband, then you have to be comfortable telling him your thoughts....
take care and good luck...be brave
Marjan

[ArianeB]

Thanks for the kind words. I will try to be brave and tell him what I feel - even if I feel like he might cancel the visit or not try to see me again. You're right - he confides in me all the time when he is stressed,worried,doubtful, I should do the same.

[marjan]

Originally Posted by ArianeB

Thanks for the kind words. I will try to be brave and tell him what I feel - even if I feel like he might cancel the visit or not try to see me again. You're right - he confides in me all the time when he is stressed,worried,doubtful, I should do the same.

Nothing to be afraid of....He won't stop talking to you....He might stop calling for a bit, but then you guys will pick it up again, even stronger....
or in a good side, he might just understand you and accept the situation....just be yourself and be brave....we always afraid to talk and then we get into trouble....
but one more thing, when you are telling him, be paitent and sweet and nice...and listen to him....and give him couple of options, like if he can postpone his trip or whatever....let us know how it goes....

good luck
Marjan

[RomanSunburn]

Hey Araine,
Good to see you around again

I'm a little confused about your stress over your boyfriend coming to visit you. I would expect this to be a happy and exciting time for you -- the first time you get to see him in three months! Have you talked to him about all the stress you are having over the relationship? I guess I just dont feel that I can offer any advice, simply because Im having a lot of trouble understanding your anxiety... You've only been apart for three months; personally I dont really see the need to rush concrete plans for your future. Of course, having an end date to distance is always nice, but right now you are both still in the process of re-figuring out your lives apart from each other and what that means about yourselves and your relationship. I also thnk that if you can, you should go ahead with the visit. It will be good for you to sit down and talk to him face to face. Plus, having him come visit well help you determine if your feelings for him are still the same as when you left three months ago.

I hope everything turns out well for you.
Please keep us updated!

,
Ro

[ArianeB]

Hi Guys,

Thanks for your nice and thoughtful responses. I really appreciate it.

I guess the hard thing with my boyfriend right now is that he's very hot and cold about his commitment to the relationship. While most of the time we're really close, every month or so he gets very cold and unresponsive. During these times, I get this strong impression he only talks about what he's doing and makes little effort to listen to where I'm at. And when I ask him what's going on, he says that he feels really disconnected from me. At these same times, he pulls out of any plans he's made with me. Then two weeks later, he'll be back and so excited, wanting to make plans immediately, and for me to drop everything.

On my end, it's been nearly 5 times now that he's seriously seemed not to really care about the future of us. When this happens I try to be patient and not judge, but I end up feeling like I can't rely on him. Already, moving away had to do with me being fed up of waiting for him to make a plan that included me, having promises he wanted to do this, and it never quite happening. I feel like in my head I'm already on my own again.

Since in the new place I'm living, I don't have a lot of close girlfriends nearby, I'm very much in this solo mode. I'm afraid that when he comes, he'll think my life here is boring and that I'm a loser for not having more of a social network. I'm a very studious, career oriented person, and while I have close friends in other cities, it takes me time to meet new people. I'm afraid he'll see how lonely I am when he comes, and not want to be with me.

Crazy as it sounds, I'm also afraid that maybe I'm happier without him. Somehow it's easier to be lonely than try to feel good enough for a fun, smart, sexy, popular person. Sometimes, I feel like he doesn't understand the really hard struggles I've been through. He doesn't get how grueling it is to grow up as a child often alone with depressed, fighting adults. It's harder for me to have fun than for maybe some people.

Anyway, this turned into quite the rant. I think I've said enough. Thanks for listening.