[Slothrop]

Hi all, I am early 40s and interested in how other people at any point in middle age are getting along with aging/eldery parent(s), especially parents who have issues letting go and respecting their kids as independent people.

I'll start off by saying I feel blessed to have financially stable parents because I know they can give me some help during this bad economy (my job was recently eliminated, so back on the job hunt ).

But my dad in particular becomes overbearing during any type of crisis, badgering me with questions and wanting to know how I am managing my affairs while I work through it. I think he sees his behavior as justified because I may have to borrow money. I think that's bogus.

I think I am a pretty competent and functional person. I don't think I am doing harmful things that require intervention. I got laid off! So I have to spend less and look for work. I don't see that I need any kind of "oversight" at this time. (Maybe if he had current job experience as a recruiter he could tell me what to do in an interview, but he's been retired a really long time... )

Again I count my blessings because I know they will help me out if it comes to that. But I have been a working, married adult for a long time! It's like he doesn't believe that I actually left the nest.

Anybody dealing with this stuff? Suggestions on putting up with it? Do you let it slide? Confront it? (Not too sure about confronting, he does not like anyone suggesting he is doing anything wrong, then relations get even more tedious...)

Thanks folks.

[lenjan]

I'm 44. Not sure how much help I can be -- my mother is a flaming narcissist and chronic alcoholic. Plus, she's 80. Even if she remembered anything, she'd claim it wasn't her fault.

My dad has been gone 10 years, but what you describe is a very "dad" thing, I think. Dads need to feel useful. I almost cried when I saw the look on his face after I bought my first car without asking his advice and having him test-drive it first. He was crushed! I had no idea it would bother him so much; in fact, I thought he would be proud of me for being independent and able to handle myself.

It sounds to me like your dad is worried about you and showing it the only way he knows how. Elderly men of today grew up in a time when men didn't do touchy-feely stuff like say "I love you" or hug their kids or whatnot. This might be the only way he has of showing you he cares.

Good luck.

[Slothrop]

Originally Posted by candybear

It sounds to me like your dad is worried about you and showing it the only way he knows how. Elderly men of today grew up in a time when men didn't do touchy-feely stuff like say "I love you" or hug their kids or whatnot. This might be the only way he has of showing you he cares.

Yeah, that's a good point. The funny thing is, the way he talks about it, it sounds like he thinks I'm an idiot...like grilling me about whether I have done the really obvious things people do when they get laid off. But maybe that is the only way he knows to deal with the worry.

Your story about buying a car is great. I think my dad wants to be in on our decisions like that, and it is too hard to tell him that we don't need another person in on the proceedings, that it would just make it more complicated. We just make the decisions and let the chips fall.

Sorry your mom is difficult, good luck to you too...

[AnaHannah]

OMG!! I am, and have been, having a MAJOR problem w/ this crap! I swear.....I'm gonna have to get a saddle so my dad can be more comfortable while he's ON MY BACK!!! Just LET me fall, skin my knees, and pull MYSELF up! But noooooooooooooo! MY father is like ganging up w/ my SOON to be ex-bf.....behind my back, and creating havoc w/ my psychi ! It's a long story; I have a thread in the Anxiety forum about my recent meltdown and hospitalization.
I have one bit of advice for you: DO NOT TAKE ANY MONEY from your parents/father unless you ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO! I made that mistake, but I really didn't have any choice at the time. There is just NOT enough "thanks" I can bestow on him and he always throws it in my face about how MUCH he has helped me! It serves to keep me in a child-like state feeling stupid, unworthy, and invalidated! My self-esteem can't take anymore pummeling in my present fragile, fractious, state. I just got out of the psych hospital a week ago after "events" lead up to another suicide attempt....and I would NOT be here writing this if my , soon-to-be ex-bf had not come home unexpectedly! And MY father (he's 87 !) is a closet misogynist who treats me like I'm just a silly little girl w/ passions, causes, and ideas (I'm Vegan)that are...well..."silly", childish, and invalid! Of course, he thinks I SURELY need a man to POLICE me and keep me on the straight and narrow !
When I was in the hospital, (ICU) he (actually his WIFE!!) wrote a 4 page letter to the doctors that was incredibly embellished, about everything wrong I have EVER done......and I'm "middle-aged", too. He also called and talked to the doc on the phone, TOTALLY breaching doctor-patient confidentiality! When I got out of ICU (regular hospital) I was transferred to a psych hospital, where, I had specific instructions for them NOT to allow ANY info. to be given to my father..........not EVEN to let him know I was there!!! Meanwhile, he was communicating w/ the bf !
So, the suicidal, mentally "unstable", anorexic little girl is back home and The Chinese "water treatment" continues!! I have for now, cut off my father except for email because, right now I am gaining stability and I can't handle the undermining. I'm getting ENOUGH of that from the live-in soon-2-b-ex-bf who has been chipping away at my self esteem for the last 4 years or so.
We are both on the lease in this apartment and I can't afford to live here alone, so his threatening to leave serves to undermine and keep me on pins and needles. This is dirty pool !! He flops back and forth from being nice to being cruel and unfeeling........"we'll just be room mates", he says, until the lease is up....but IF I slip up just ONCE, he's outta here.......leaving me in financial ruin !! .....just kill me now......

[Slothrop]

Wow, AnaHannah...you are really putting my problems into perspective!! Not only are you getting it from two sides, you are getting hammered a lot harder than me. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

It just goes to show, people can have as much impact when they are older as when they are younger...for good or for evil!! Amazing that your dad is 87 and still hurting you this way.

About taking money, I agree, that can be a bad idea...I have taken outright gifts from my dad before, and even then it seems like proof (in HIS mind) that I can't make it on my own. It turns me into a partial dependent (again, in HIS mind).

Even with me out of work, I will not actually ask for anything unless I think me and my family would be out on the street! But he is too freaked out over the whole thing, he is insisting on giving me some money anyway. And it seems like I should be thinking "Wow, that is really nice of him." But I know him too well after all these years, I know that he will use it to disparage my competence, even if it is only by making snarky comments. I have been really careful not to give him a toehold where he could have any direct influence on my affairs. But his attitude still hurts.

I know what you mean about the attitude towards women, my dad does not seem to think my wife can handle anything (or SHOULD handle anything). So common in their generation, unfortunately.

My parents do not know about my mental issues...if I am ever hospitalized then I guess the ***** would hit the fan, but we will deal with that then. For now I don't need to give my dad more "ammunition" for attacking my abilities.

Good luck to you, hope you can find someplace to stay and get rid of the toxic BF as soon as possible.......