[PinUpGal]

Ah, where to begin? My husband and I have always had problems, whether it's his temper, how we deal with our children, etc. We got married at 18 and he has been lying to me from the start. He cheated on me while we were dating and didn't tell me until the night before our wedding, it was way in the beginning of our relationship and I convinced myself that we weren't that serious back then and that he was being honest therefore that had to mean something. I quickly realized that it would become a pattern of behavior. He carried a picture of a HS "friend" in his wallet and told me that was all she was, then saw her seven days after we were married and told me that he was confused and that he loved her, he went places I asked him not to go and lied, he talked to ex girlfriends behind my back, he downloaded porn constantly and lied about it even though I told him that he just had to tell me that he needed it and we could work something out. No matter how much I try to convince him that he doesn't have to lie, he still does even if it's about something as dumb as using a coffee scoop. So the latest big lie came while he was away on business. I asked him not to go to Hooters because his friends try to pick up the girls and I obviously couldn't trust that he wouldn't follow suit. He called me every night and swore he hadn't been there even though I did tell him that if he was honest I would understand. Come to find out that not only was he going there every day from open until close but that he was going dancing with one of the girls and she had been up to his room. I confronted him and he fessed up even saying he pretended to be her boyfriend because some guys were hitting on her. He said that she only came up for a second to get a soda and that she wasn't cute at all and reminded him of her sister. That's when I found her on myspace and unless his sister grew a pair of DD's and dyed her hair platinum blonde it looks nothing like her sister. I also found that they exchanged numbers and emails along with another waitress there. I showed him the picture and he said that he had told me one he had been talking about one of the other girls, (who I didn’t even know was with them so why would he tell me about her?) I knew he cheated on me and I did something stupid, I cheated on him. Two wrongs don't make a right but it made me feel like I got some power back after all these years of being lied to, only I couldn't keep it a secret. It's not who I am so I fessed up and he forgave me (either out of guilt from lying for so long or out of guilt for something he did because he let it go very easily), and still swears he hasn't cheated on me since we have been married even though I have found some emails that were suspicious and found him browsing the adult section of craigslist, to which he said that he didn’t realize what it was.

That was the back story, point is while he was away he got a new computer and became tech savvy, well at least for him. I used to be able to check his history and temp files but he has learned to delete them so today I spent money that we don't have to install a spy program. I am being so paranoid but it's been a month and I haven't caught him in a major lie, usually it happens about once a week. I feel like the longer it takes for me to find out what it is the more of a chance that it's something big. He has never not lied and while I want to trust that he’s changed like he promised, I just don't feel like I can. I know he has to be doing something because that's what he does. I don't want to leave him because we have three beautiful children together and because I think we have the potential to make things work but I can't stop thinking that he is keeping things from me. It’s driving me crazy. I keep reinforcing that he can tell me anything as long as he is honest and that we can get past it but he just keeps saying that there is nothing to tell. Any advice from people who have been through this would be great!

[Vlo1980]

Wow! Your situation is really complicated. It is true that you've got three children together but it seems like your husband's behavior has destroyed your trust. I feel a bit uneasy about commenting on people's marital problems but if it were me I wouldn't put up with a relationship like that at all, but if you're able to let go of the resentment and completely forget what he has done in the past, continue to stay with him and try to make it work.

If he had done it one time, ok, nobody is perfect but it seems like he has lied to you multiple times, that's not right. I think you should be with someone who gives you all the love and respect you rightfully deserve, but that's just my opinion.

I hope you're both able to work things out for the sake of your three kids. Good luck to ya.

[Pomegranate]

Sounds like he's given you lots of reasons not to trust him. And he hasn't done much to make amends, to work on helping you regain trust in him.

It also sounds like you have fallen completely into the pattern of trying to control him, which is sort of understandable given your past experience with him. But trying to control the uncontrolable - another person - is a losing battle and a sure fire way to make yourself feel bad and like YOU are crazy.

Take the focus off him and what he is doing and put it back on yourself and your priorities, your children and whatever else is important in your life.

You need to decide if you are willing to continue to put up with his immature and disrespectful behavior to stay married to him, "for your children" as you say. Or if you and your children would be better off in a more stable and peaceful environment. You need to think about what kind of example you are setting for your children. They learn by your actions, not your words. And kids don't miss much. So you need to be a very good actress to pull off acting like you are in a happy, loving relationship with their father for them to believe it for the rest of their lives.

You may think you AND your husband have the potential to make things work, but if he does not have the will, desire or ability to do so, it won't happen. The ball seems to be in your court as to what is going to happen in your marriage relationship. Only you can decide what you are willing to live with, or what you must change to be happy, so you can give your kids the time, attention and role model you feel they deserve.

Also, unless you are genuinely happy and self confident, you don't have much to offer your children - you'll be too distracted by your own personal pain, depression, obession, distraction, what ever is causing drama and chaos in your life, to give them the real time and attention they need. That's been my experience.

[thelionkinglives]

Originally Posted by PinUpGal

Ah, where to begin? My husband and I have always had problems, whether it's his temper, how we deal with our children, etc. We got married at 18 and he has been lying to me from the start. He cheated on me while we were dating and didn't tell me until the night before our wedding, it was way in the beginning of our relationship and I convinced myself that we weren't that serious back then and that he was being honest therefore that had to mean something. I quickly realized that it would become a pattern of behavior. He carried a picture of a HS "friend" in his wallet and told me that was all she was, then saw her seven days after we were married and told me that he was confused and that he loved her, he went places I asked him not to go and lied, he talked to ex girlfriends behind my back, he downloaded porn constantly and lied about it even though I told him that he just had to tell me that he needed it and we could work something out. No matter how much I try to convince him that he doesn't have to lie, he still does even if it's about something as dumb as using a coffee scoop. So the latest big lie came while he was away on business. I asked him not to go to Hooters because his friends try to pick up the girls and I obviously couldn't trust that he wouldn't follow suit. He called me every night and swore he hadn't been there even though I did tell him that if he was honest I would understand. Come to find out that not only was he going there every day from open until close but that he was going dancing with one of the girls and she had been up to his room. I confronted him and he fessed up even saying he pretended to be her boyfriend because some guys were hitting on her. He said that she only came up for a second to get a soda and that she wasn't cute at all and reminded him of her sister. That's when I found her on myspace and unless his sister grew a pair of DD's and dyed her hair platinum blonde it looks nothing like her sister. I also found that they exchanged numbers and emails along with another waitress there. I showed him the picture and he said that he had told me one he had been talking about one of the other girls, (who I didn’t even know was with them so why would he tell me about her?) I knew he cheated on me and I did something stupid, I cheated on him. Two wrongs don't make a right but it made me feel like I got some power back after all these years of being lied to, only I couldn't keep it a secret. It's not who I am so I fessed up and he forgave me (either out of guilt from lying for so long or out of guilt for something he did because he let it go very easily), and still swears he hasn't cheated on me since we have been married even though I have found some emails that were suspicious and found him browsing the adult section of craigslist, to which he said that he didn’t realize what it was.

That was the back story, point is while he was away he got a new computer and became tech savvy, well at least for him. I used to be able to check his history and temp files but he has learned to delete them so today I spent money that we don't have to install a spy program. I am being so paranoid but it's been a month and I haven't caught him in a major lie, usually it happens about once a week. I feel like the longer it takes for me to find out what it is the more of a chance that it's something big. He has never not lied and while I want to trust that he’s changed like he promised, I just don't feel like I can. I know he has to be doing something because that's what he does. I don't want to leave him because we have three beautiful children together and because I think we have the potential to make things work but I can't stop thinking that he is keeping things from me. It’s driving me crazy. I keep reinforcing that he can tell me anything as long as he is honest and that we can get past it but he just keeps saying that there is nothing to tell. Any advice from people who have been through this would be great!

get a lawyer, there is nothing salvagable...I'm sorry. We will be here for ya during the rough times. A leopard won't change his spot.

[PinUpGal]

Thanks for all the advice. Well my SIL said that I needed a plan whether I stay or leave. The sad thing is he does make me happy as far as being supportive, helping me deal with my anxiety (which he has never made me feel bad about), and taking care of the kids or housework. He has a temper and lies which I guess kind of negate the good stuff. I'm taking my driving test today and registered for classes, which is a huge step for me and I haven't stopped feeling sick since I decided that I could do it! I think if I become less codependent on him to drive me around and support me and see that I can accomplish things on my own it will give me more power when and if I need it. I did talk to him yesterday about a therapist and he agreed to go with me starting next week, which is a big step for him. Either way, I have to get my life back in order and focus on myself and my children.

As far as trying to control him, you are absolutely right. I can't stand the person I have become. I used to be very trusting and now I just feel like I was used. I was the one who told him I was fine hanging out with the girl he cheated on me with because I trusted that they were just friends and because I have mostly guy friends I didn't see a problem and I trusted him to go visit back home after we were married and that he wouldn't see his ex. After that I just became, not only controlling and paranoid but insecure. I thought he wanted someone better or "hotter" than me. I even think that sometimes he takes jabs at me about the way I look or tells me about cute girls that hit on him to make me feel worse about myself.

[Pomegranate]

Wow, pinupgal, you keep up with that attitude and doing things to make yourself more independent and you'll be "taking off" like a rocket before you know it. It's great you are going for your driver's liscense even though it makes you sooooooo anxious!

For him to say anything to YOU about how another woman looks after all his bad behavior is just.... well let's just say I'd feel like punching him in the face.
What a jerk! You really do not deserve that.

Good luck on your new journey, your ADVENTURE, on your path towards self love. And please keep posting so we know how you are doing and so we can keep supporting you. Take Care of yourself.

[salukigirl]

I've discovered that two people can be awesome people but still totally wrong for each other. My ex made me a controlling, jealous person and I didn't like the person i was when we were together. separately, we're both good people, we just bring out the worst in each other.

And coming from a "broken" home I can tell you that i saw the anger in my parents marriage and, even though i'm messed up, i think i'd be a lot worse if they hadn't split up. it was obvious that they didn't love each other and living in a home like that is worse than having divorced parents.

also, I think the fact that he forgave you so quickly is a sign that he doesn't care. even though it's pretty absurd to expect someone to just up and change, he should WANT to. even though my boyfriend is goofy and silly and I know he'll always be that way I don't ask him to change or quit being so goofy all the time, but he at least says that he tries and he wants to change. you get what I'm saying? you love the person for who they are but it's still nice to have them WANT to be a better person for you? if he shows no interest in that i'd say he's pretty much given up on the marriage.

[thelionkinglives]

Originally Posted by PinUpGal

Thanks for all the advice. Well my SIL said that I needed a plan whether I stay or leave. The sad thing is he does make me happy as far as being supportive, helping me deal with my anxiety (which he has never made me feel bad about), and taking care of the kids or housework. He has a temper and lies which I guess kind of negate the good stuff. I'm taking my driving test today and registered for classes, which is a huge step for me and I haven't stopped feeling sick since I decided that I could do it! I think if I become less codependent on him to drive me around and support me and see that I can accomplish things on my own it will give me more power when and if I need it. I did talk to him yesterday about a therapist and he agreed to go with me starting next week, which is a big step for him. Either way, I have to get my life back in order and focus on myself and my children.

As far as trying to control him, you are absolutely right. I can't stand the person I have become. I used to be very trusting and now I just feel like I was used. I was the one who told him I was fine hanging out with the girl he cheated on me with because I trusted that they were just friends and because I have mostly guy friends I didn't see a problem and I trusted him to go visit back home after we were married and that he wouldn't see his ex. After that I just became, not only controlling and paranoid but insecure. I thought he wanted someone better or "hotter" than me. I even think that sometimes he takes jabs at me about the way I look or tells me about cute girls that hit on him to make me feel worse about myself.

I hope all goes well with your driving test. I think that's an awesome 1st step. It sounds like you know where your focus needs to be.

In your situation I completely understand your insecurity & "paranoia" He has betrayed your trust too much, it's a natural human reaction to what he has put you through.

Your absolutely right about him taking gabbs at you. If your relationship was under a different context maybe not. I've been married for 13 years. I have told my wife on occassion if I think another woman is attractive, & she has done the same with guys but I have not done to her the kind of things your husband has done to you. If I were in his shoes & truely wanted an equal relationship I would NOT consciously draw attenion to other women's appearance or whatever. That is more of a "control" mechanism in this context.

Again hope all goes well with the driving test

[caisa]

[quote=PinUpGal;10016

He's not ready to settle down.. or grow up... and i'm sure your not happy with yourself or the relationship. He's given you plenty of reasons to leave. Your worth more than what he is giving you.

When will enough be enough? when you find out you have some sort of STD or worse yet.. AIDS?

This isnt love baby... its dependency... and now has become a sickness. Only you have the power to stop it, and get on with a better way of living for yourself and for your children.

/hugs and lots of love!!!

[reach]

Personally I would not put up with this.

Besides the emotional torture, you are also putting yourself at risk for sexual diseases.

Sounds like he might have some sort of addiction. It is essential to see a counselor if you want the marriage to work. Tolerating it is not the way to go, you need to give him an ultimatum if he keeps breaking the trust.

Having an unwholesome husband is just as or can be even more damaging as having no husband. You got to know where the line is and be clear about standing firm on your side.

I wish you well.

[PinUpGal]

Originally Posted by reach

Personally I would not put up with this.

Besides the emotional torture, you are also putting yourself at risk for sexual diseases.

Sounds like he might have some sort of addiction. It is essential to see a counselor if you want the marriage to work. Tolerating it is not the way to go, you need to give him an ultimatum if he keeps breaking the trust.

Having an unwholesome husband is just as or can be even more damaging as having no husband. You got to know where the line is and be clear about standing firm on your side.

I wish you well.

Thanks for all the advice. He says he hasn't actually cheated and while everyone is probably thinking I am stupid for believing that, I can usually tell when he's lying. Honestly, I think it's less about sex and more about making it known that he can have another woman or how much more attractive other women are. Maybe more of a control issue than and infedelity one. He's like that in other ways as well, when he left me for two months the first time he says it's because I didn't do the dishes. Just the other day he said that wasn't sure he wanted to stay married because I don't do the laundry enough and when I mentioned that I was registering for school, making dinner for seven people every night, studying, taking care of three kids and cleaning he agreed that it was a lot but said that it was "my job". I asked him about once I am in school, taking care of the kiddos, and working if he would still feel like I am not good enough for him he said "probably". I think a lot of this has to do with his mom, nobody will ever be good enough for her boys and she makes that very clear.