I am a ghost

This has hit me pretty hard today. I've made many many efforts to improve myself (intense exercise, new hobbies, effective at work, careful with appearance). Nothing works. Nobody is interested in me. Nobody ever has. Today I've been crying about it. I've been pretending for too long that I'm cool with it and that I can handle life on my own. This is what life is serving me and I'm doing the best I can with it. Today I suddenly broke down. Can't explain it.
To be honest, I'm having a really hard time. I feel forgotten from life and God. This is a punishment to spend a lifetime alone. I have friends, yes. We do things together, sure. They are all with someone. Most of them are pregnant with their second kid. They got it all and I'm happy for them. I'm the only one I know totally single with no prospects. It's becoming embarrassing because I'm 32 and people around me frequently indicate to me that soon I won't be able to have my own children. They all think that I'm a career girl and that one day I'll regret my choice.
Truth is, I'm not a career girl. I just go to work because that is all I have, I escape there. Nowhere near the career junkie. There really is no choice for me. I didn't choose to be alone. I really have options. Three of the guys I've met ran away as soon as I revealed my age to them. One of them especially reacted badly. He said "damn! I thought you were 23!" then he got up, left the table and started dancing with some other unknown girl. That felt so bad, I wish I could tell you. It was like "how dare I waste his time like that!". I'm 32 and this is a horrible sickness. I feel that I should apologize...
Sometimes I feel a panic that overwhelms me. Today. Today I'm panicking. Haven't gone to work and haven't notified anyone. I'm just gone, absent, a ghost. Thanks for hearing me out.

Oh dear, I am so sorry you are feeling so down today. At times I have felt the same way. Do not give up hope Valexand, I believe everyone wants to feel love, some day when you least expect it you will meet a wonderful man. While you have made great efforts to improve yourself physically perhaps you should work from the inside out also. Adopt a positive attitude, open yourself to a relationship. Go buy a book called the circle and read it, it is about bringing things into your life by envisioning. I dont know that it will help or not but it can not hurt. As to that man that left you over your age, he was not worth your time or effort, he was an *****, not worthy of your consideration, any relationship with him would have been all about him and never emotionally satisfying or rewarding for you. 32 is not old, you have a full life ahead of you, grasp it and live every moment of it to the fullest. Concentrate on the good things you have in life, not what you are lacking, it will help with your mood and perspective. Things will get better for you, I am sure of it. Please find some peace in your heart and open yourself to better experiences. I hope you soon find what it is you need and desire in life, I am confident you can and will. Hang in there, things will improve!

appoligetics....in front of a audience sometimes could make it worse

live and learn......and only appoligize when needed...since it is a sincer emotion

lol..i see said the blind man...stevie oaksmith...you've known all along your own answers needed, its been a conundrum for me as to why you'd need to even ask

good luck-valexan

hi, I'm with Stevie. In may I'm going to turn 34... Well, this last year I've had the same thoughts that you've had. I know that turning thirty something turns your mind and makes you think about your life and what you have done so far. It seems that at thirty something you HAVE TO have many things in life accomplished... The time has come to ask yourself maybe what you really want, don't go by what others have(like friends that have family, home, car, whatever...) or want for you. You are not old at all and you are just at the right moment to to take control of your own life and make deep-interesting relationships that won't run away just because of your age. Keep your mind open to life and new people since you can have a surprise, who knows. And yes, work with yourself from the inside, that's where the real treasure is.

By the way, this last year, since november up until the present day, I decided to make a big change in life. I broke up with an 8yr old relationship. I have never had children, yes it would be something I would like to accomplish but with the person I love. I had a hard accepting to myself that I was really not in love with my former relationship. Still, I keep my hopes in some way, who knows... Well, I started a university degree which I'm happy with, and hope to be able to turn into a professional some day... I really want to live life, and some day have a relationship or whatever comes up, right now I just don't know. This last year has been specially hard, since I made a hard decision with my former relationship(I'm on good terms with him) and had to come to my mom's again and depend on her. This last year I also lost a job, and I haven't been working... But in july I have a new opportunity for a new job in a different city and I'm going for it! well, I'm scared, unshure, etc. Well, this is more or less what's happened in my life lately...!

What triggered all of this? Well, for most part of my life I've felt lonely, deeply unsatisfied, my self esteem on the floor, a total crash... Thanks to my family I've had great support. I got myself finally to a Therapist and started to get help. I've had many issues: shyness, introvertness,overweight, etc. How do I deal with all of this? One by one. I'm also getting my driver's liscense(at 34!!!) Now i'm not so anxious like when I arrived home after an 8yrs absence. I'm starting to see some light at the end of the tunnel...
Life, society, friends,etc may have a scheduled time table to do things but the truth is that you have all the time of the world to work on yourself. By the way, there is something positive in your msg, since you say that one of the guys said that he thought that you were 23!!! well,that's an advantage you must take care of as a woman. I'm doing that also and it has good results!

Yes I have often looked over the shoulder of other friends lives: they have family, children, a home, a great job, a great husband/wife, whatever... I've often felt that I didn't have any of these. So, I must do something in order to change this situation. I guess I'm just at the begaining of my own path and it can be exciting, unsure, etc! That's the good part.

hope I helped in some way, Rap

Oh yes, I know, I am usually very good at giving advice and being supportive to others, but when it comes to my heart, a whole nother story. I probably cause a lot of my own problems because I do not listen to my own advice and adhere it. Thanks for pointing that out Coralproper!