[StarChaser17]

I love my boyfriend. We're really good together. I posted here before because I was a bit concerned about seeing him again when he came to visit me for Christmas break. We're in a long distance relationship, the circumstances of that relationship are exsplained in my first post.

That post can be found on this thread, posted in December.

Well, my boyfriend came, and everything was fine. He did not pressure me at all, things were easy, and wonderful. We spent a month together, where we were together everyday for the whole month, and we worked well together. Things were great.

The problem is, he went back to Mississippi and since then had become a bit... overbearing?

I don't know how to explain it. He would message me every time I got on face book as soon as I got on, the same with im, every single time, every day. When I wasn't online, or left suddenly, he'd sometimes text me asking me where I was. A few times he asked my friends where I was, and what I was doing.

I told him that I didn't like him asking my friends, he said he only did it once. They told me it was more than once.

He told me that he hadn't done it sense I spoke to him about it when I called to confront him earlier today about the constant iming. I told him I it bothered me when he messaged me every time I got online, that he texted me when I wasn't online, that he asked me where I was going and where I had been almost everytime I spoke to him. I told him, it seemed a bit obsessive to me, and I didn't want him to obsess over me.

He tells me things like "I miss you much it hurts" all the time, "I can't wait to be with you again." As though he's constantly focused on me. When I tell him what I've been up to, he says I wish I could have been there with you. No matter what it was I had been doing, the response is always reiterating how much he misses me, loves me, and needs me.

It's sweet, to a point, but I don't know, it makes me feel like I'm the center of his universe and I don't want to be. Is it normal that I don't want to be? Is it that I don't love him enough?

Anyway, today I called him, and informed him that I didn't like not being able to get online without being messaged, I didn't like being texted when I wasn't online, and basically told everything that was bothering me. He said, he messages everyone as soon as they get online, that's just what he does. I told him that it bothered me, I just told him how I felt. He said that's fine, and was very cool about it, and he would stop if it bothered me.

Well then tonight, he posted this note one facebook, where everyone can see it.

"I have a friend that is having a serious issue right now. I just need to get this off my chest.
My friend is a very committed person. His girlfriend is the opposite of that.
She doesn't seem to realize that he is just the way he is.
He knows that he shouldn't let it get to him as much as he does. But it does. He just wishes that she would listen and understand the same way he has been for her. He wishes that she'd understand that he only wants to be a part of her life, and isn't trying to be obsessive in anyway. He just cares so much that it hurts him to know that she doesn't like him just being curious as to what she's been up to and stuff.
He understands that she isn't very good with commitment, and he understands that. It just hurts him when she comes off as though she doesn't care as much for him as he does her.
I know I probably shouldn't be discussing their business in a public forum, but I tried to keep it as impartial as possible. The people involved will know who they are, that's it. I just wanted to let him know it's bothering me and that this song is for him about he feels.

Blink 182 - I'm Lost Without You

I swear that I can go on forever again
Please let me know that my one bad day will end
I will go down as your lover, your friend
Give me your lips and with one kiss we begin

Are you afraid of being alone
Cause I am, I'm lost without you
Are you afraid of leaving tonight
Cause I am, I'm lost without you

I'll leave my room open till sunrise for you
I'll keep my eyes patiently focused on you
Where are you now I can hear footsteps I'm dreaming
And if you will, keep me from waking to believe this

Are you afraid of being alone
Cause I am, I'm lost without you
Are you afraid of leaving tonight
Cause I am, I'm lost without you

Are you afraid of being alone
Cause I am, I'm lost without you
Are you afraid of leaving tonight
Cause I am, I'm lost without you
Are you afraid of being alone
Cause I am, I'm lost without you
Are you afraid of leaving tonight
Cause I am, I'm lost without you

I'm lost without you
I'm lost without you
I'm lost without you
I'm lost without you
I'm lost without you "

It's obvious he's talking about us, but instead of telling me how he feels he posts this. I don't know what to say to him.

To me this feels passive agressive and manipulative, especially when he says things like

"He's a very committed person. My girlfriend is the opposite of that."

" He just cares so much that it hurts him to know that she doesn't like him just being curious as to what she's been up to and stuff."

"It just hurts him when she comes off as though she doesn't care as much for him as he does her"

Now I don't know what to say to him. The fact he posted this note in public bothers me, as does what I read as guilt trips.

On the other hand, I don't mean to hurt him, and if there are issues with my behavior that bother him, I'd like to adress them. Am I the one at fault here? What am I supposed to do.

Wow I would get another boyfriend he sounds more than a little odd.

[multipixie9]

I'd say manipulative, controlling, over-bearing, passive-aggressive, obsessive, guilt-tripper for starters.

you do not know me, but i'm older and i've seen this pattern so many times. he calls it love but it is all about him. he "needs" you to fulfill him and make him feel secure and safe and loved AND IN CONTROL.

if i saw you doing something wrong, i would tell you, but it is not you in the wrong here. he is trying to force you to give what can only be given freely. no one is perfect in a relationship, but what he says you are doing wrong is not wrong. the discomfort you feel inside are your INSTINCTS WARNING YOU - YOU REALLY NEED TO LISTEN INSIDE!!!!!

if you can get a hold of a Bible in the new testament part there is a description of what love looks like and is like. I Corinthians 13th chapter. It describes the characteristics of love and this guys behavior is not it. It starts out saying Love is patient and kind and unselfish...approximately. i forgot you can go on biblegateway.com and find many Bible versions that you can read. it is so important because love is what we all hope for so much but don't always find.

i do not know what else to tell you except i honestly think it will be mostly downhill from here on. if he would pull a sneaky attack against you in a PUBLIC forum, what will he learn to do in private and public if you stay a couple???

i'd suggest looking up "controlling relationships" and you will probably see him there. this kind of behavior accelerates and gets worse. if you were married to him you would have to account to him for every moment 24/7. some women end up in prison to their mate, with extreme demands and jealous ranting and for some also physical abuse and emotional battery.

i've been married 28 years and my husband is as imperfect as i am, but he would never do the things you talk about here. it would drive me nuts if he did!!!! we exercise trust with each other and we report in to each other when needed. i would enjoy it if he called me a little more often, but i have to adjust to his kind of job schedule where we can't call and chat to catch up. reality is what it is.

take good care of yourself, this man will not. (i don't mean to be overly blunt but this guy makes my skin crawl)

leslie

[AAAAA]

Ok I'll step on the other side of the fence. When my husband (then boyfriend) was in boot camp he was unable to call, we wrote each other many many times a day. When he was able to call (long before interent or text messages) I hated leaving the house even for a short time because I never knew when he'd get liberty to call. I went for a walk with my friends and missed his call and I was devistated.

To this day when I'm visiting my mother or he's away on business he'll call first thing in the morning, when he gets off work and before he goes to bed. We'll text several times during the day. Just stupid stuff, what are you doing, how is your day going, I love you, etc. If I don't answer right away he'll call my mom's phone and if he doesn't I'll call my kids and ask "is dad sleeping?" A couple times a week he sends me an email from work saying I love you, I'll be at my computer for the next x minutes if I'm online.

The center of our universe is our children, before that it was each other. Maybe he put it out in public because he wanted to make sure you knew how he felt. I don't enjoy talking on the phone, but when we were seperated we missed each other very much, he was the first person I was looking for when I went online.

But multipixie is right, this is something you have to feel, you can't fake it. If you're not in the same place he is then you have to decide how to proceed.

[ihateit]

Let me come from his side...just to play it out.

I have a Panic/Anxiety Disorder, which lead to me being controlling, and if I couldn't control I would lash out. Almost ruined my marriage. I see in him, from what you are saying, pretty much how I felt, and really, still feel about my wife, and although I no longer control her, she knows that her and our children are the center of my world. I and I WOULD be lost without her...yes, I'd live, yes I'd go on, but I don't want to. She's my all, and funny enough I wrote her a poem once calle Obession, for Princess...

I don't know if he has any mental issues, maybe he does and those can be dealt with as I have been dealing with mine.

Saying all that I agree with AAAA and Multipixie - you can't make someone love you, you don't chose who you love, you just suddenly realize I love this person...if that's not how you feel, I would say let him go.

[StarChaser17]

Well, I haven't been on in a while. Because I basically use the site to get advice, and then try to work things out on my own. I confronted my boyfriend about this incident, and he immediately apologized, and took full fault.

I didn't break up with him, because really, I do love him.

So, now it's a few months later, and we've been doing fine. I saw him for a week in March, and for a few days a couple weeks ago. Whenever I'm with him, we don't have any problems. We get along perfectly. I love being with him.

Sense the incident I described above, we haven't had any real problems.

It's just, that, he still messages me all the time. We're dating, we're dating long distance, and for the most part I want to talk to him. However, he continues to leave me messages, just to say hey, on various websites I go on, facebook, different gaia accounts. I don't like being left messages, and the fact he says, not to bother you, I just wanted to say hey, doesn't negate the fact that I've told him I don't like it when he leaves me messages everywhere.

Today he me a message on one account, saying to check another account, where he left me this message. It wasn't enough just to give me the message, he had to leave me messages about getting the message. Instead, maybe just, asking if I got it the next time we talk.

This was the message.

I'm just leaving you a message to tell you how much I love you.
I just wanted you to know how much you mean to me.
You have given me the inspiration to actually do more with my life than anyone else I've ever met.
I hope you realize this.
I love you so much it's hard to put into words.
I hope you have a wonderful rest of the day, and week.
I can't wait to have you in my arms again.
July is going to be great.

Love,

Which on one level is sweet. On another level, we talked yesterday, we talk almost every day. Everyday he tells me he loves me, so I don't feel like he needs to send me this message.

His last girlfriend was abusive. She threatened suicide if he didn't call her all the time, and devote all his time to being availble to her, and proving he loved her. I think maybe this behavior is something instilled in him by that relationship.

I love my boyfriend. I don't want to break up, and I've worked through things in the past. However, generally, if I bring something up that bothers me, he'll just appologize. I feel like, if he just says he's sorry, that he doesn't really understand why this bothers me.

I don't even know how to exsplain it. It's sweet that he left that message, it's nice, but...I don't know.

[justfloating]

I understand how uncomfortable that could make you. Getting the odd message here and there is fine -- romantic, really, to get an "I love you" out of the blue. But getting a message everywhere gets not only repetitive, but uncomfortable. I'm a fairly closed off person -- I can be affectionate in my own way, but it takes me a while, and I don't respond to a ton of affection very well, not at first, and DEFINITELY not in the levels you're getting (if you want to call it affection ... maybe obsession is a better word?).

If your boyfriend was in this abusive relationship where he was forced to check in 24/7, it's possible that he doesn't realize that he doesn't have to be that way with you. Have you talked to him about that relationship at all? I think it might help if you clarify that you are not his last girlfriend, that you are not like her, and that you don't expect him to message you all the time -- in fact, you don't want it. Maybe suggest some kind of set day or time when he can call you. Say something like "Why don't you call me Saturday, some time after 4?" Or tell him that YOU'LL call HIM at a set time. Maybe if he has a little more structure, a specific time when he knows for absolute certain that he can reach you and talk to you, things will be a little easier on him and he'll be able to relax a bit.

Still, do be careful. Others have made a good point -- if he is REALLY making you uncomfortable and you feel that he's smothering you, don't stick it out. You don't need that kind of pressure in your life, and chances are what HE really needs is some help.

Hope this helps.

[marjan]

OMG...I can't understand you why you are complaining this much?
He's a perfect guy...I wish I could have a guy like him...If I love somebody, I want to be in touch with the person most of the time....why not?
My ex-boyfriend was like this and I loved it...It was great...I had to move to another country and we had long distance relationship and we were constantly in touch....then we found out he can't move here with me...and we didn't have a choice, we had to break up....It was so hard on both of us....
It looks like you have a jewllery and you don't appreciate it...what? you want a guy whom I was dating and he was barely calling me....I dumped him! He was calling all the time at the begining and then we had fight and when we got back together, he stopped calling me....He was taking revenge....well...I couldn't stand with his childish behaviour....
If this is bothering you, then he's not a right person for you....you got to find a cold guy who's giving you lots of hard time and you wait for his call....or you call him or text message him and not getting any answer back....
Please appreciate this guy....he's sweet and he just wants to be with you...that's really adorable....rarely you can find a guy like him....appreciate him....

Originally Posted by StarChaser17

Well, I haven't been on in a while. Because I basically use the site to get advice, and then try to work things out on my own. I confronted my boyfriend about this incident, and he immediately apologized, and took full fault.

I didn't break up with him, because really, I do love him.

So, now it's a few months later, and we've been doing fine. I saw him for a week in March, and for a few days a couple weeks ago. Whenever I'm with him, we don't have any problems. We get along perfectly. I love being with him.

Sense the incident I described above, we haven't had any real problems.

It's just, that, he still messages me all the time. We're dating, we're dating long distance, and for the most part I want to talk to him. However, he continues to leave me messages, just to say hey, on various websites I go on, facebook, different gaia accounts. I don't like being left messages, and the fact he says, not to bother you, I just wanted to say hey, doesn't negate the fact that I've told him I don't like it when he leaves me messages everywhere.

Today he me a message on one account, saying to check another account, where he left me this message. It wasn't enough just to give me the message, he had to leave me messages about getting the message. Instead, maybe just, asking if I got it the next time we talk.

This was the message.

I'm just leaving you a message to tell you how much I love you.
I just wanted you to know how much you mean to me.
You have given me the inspiration to actually do more with my life than anyone else I've ever met.
I hope you realize this.
I love you so much it's hard to put into words.
I hope you have a wonderful rest of the day, and week.
I can't wait to have you in my arms again.
July is going to be great.

Love,

Which on one level is sweet. On another level, we talked yesterday, we talk almost every day. Everyday he tells me he loves me, so I don't feel like he needs to send me this message.

His last girlfriend was abusive. She threatened suicide if he didn't call her all the time, and devote all his time to being availble to her, and proving he loved her. I think maybe this behavior is something instilled in him by that relationship.

I love my boyfriend. I don't want to break up, and I've worked through things in the past. However, generally, if I bring something up that bothers me, he'll just appologize. I feel like, if he just says he's sorry, that he doesn't really understand why this bothers me.

I don't even know how to exsplain it. It's sweet that he left that message, it's nice, but...I don't know.

[Vlo1980]

Wow! I disagree with most of the posts on here. It is pretty obvious that your boyfriend adores you and I think every woman in her right mind would love to have a man that loving and sensitive by her side. Not everyone is good at dealing with long distance relationships, they can be extremely stressful. His behavior is perfectly normal, it is that of a man deeply in love with a woman he misses way too much and can't wait to be with. Sensitive men with a good heart are very, very rare nowadays so please hold on to what you've got. Give him a bit of reassurance because I think that is what he desperately needs from you. If you love him, don't be afraid to show it and say it. Send him a nice romantic e-card, surprise him with a little gift, small details like that can make a tremendous difference when you are separated and it'll make him feel a bit more appreciated.

If he calls to check on you, what is wrong with that? Aren't you really committed to him? Aren't you being faithful? I wouldn't mind my boyfriend checking on me at all unless I was doing something I wasn't supposed to. Controlling and jealous people don't really bother me because I've never given them reasons to be suspicious at all, but that's just me. People have different needs when it comes to relationships and maybe you're both not compatible.