Love affair with therapist please help :(

Find a female T and make an appointment or even another health care worker (does your doctor work with any female nurse practitioners? I like the one(s) mine work with, they're "practical" and comforting in that way).

That's an idea. I thought of one, too. Could you delete his number & change yours so he won't have it?

its not him thats the problem reagrding the txt and stuff.. i initiate it all

Then STOP! You can. There is no one holding a gun to your head forcing you to text him. You HAVE a choice. Use it.

Wow, thanks for this quote, Sanity.

I didn't think I would find an insight about my own T here, but this really struck me. My T has a studied coldness with me, and his weirdly exaggerated focus on objectivity with me just drives me nuts. I bring it up constantly -- I've begged him to show me some basic kindness, even just a glimpse of sympathy or evidence that he identifies with me at all in an emotional way. And he always says he has no idea what I'm talking about, or what I'm missing from him.

I keep dreaming about him, and I tell him about the dreams -- he's always separated from me, locked inside a house behind doors or windows, or way above or below me, or standing far from me across some span with a crumbling bridge between us.

But now I'm wondering if he's feeling attraction to me, which he has to guard against of course. It might explain the weird distance. Thanks for the food for thought!

Hi Kitten... be careful with that thinking. It may just feed your fantasies rather than give you any clarity. If he is as you speculate, suppressing feelings then why isn't he taking the appropriate steps to ensure the boundaries are maintained. The quote suggests "these issues should be carefully addressed in supervision or peer consultation if needed...."

It would seem to me... and I am no expert on the subject, nor have I experienced these kinds of feelings for a therapist but... it seems to me it would challenge the effectiveness of the therapy if these kinds of feelings on one side or both were present and made worse if they were not addressed. I can appreciate how complex the client/therapist relationship can be... even more so having followed this thread along but it seems to me safety and open communications need to be present if therapy is going to be effective.

Have you considered looking for another therapist rather than playing with the fire with this one.

Wishing you well.

I felt the same way (that I was a tramp) while I was held captive by a kidnapper who was raping me. For the first few months, I knew he was raping me and abusing me. But he was delusional, he would call me his girlfriend. He would say he wanted to marry me and have babies. He was in his fourties or late thirties, I was 18-20. He was married with a son (who lived somewhere else) and he had another victim he called his "girlfriend" who was about 11-13 while I was there. I would agrue with him that I wasn't his girlfriend, that I was married, for the first few months, but then I gave up. I couldn't argue with him, because he wouldn't listen. After that, I started to think I was cheating on my husband with this man that kidnapped me and raped me for months. My kidnapper was a big church goer and he believed that he was doing God's work. He thought that he did a good thing in my life, taking me away from the apartment I was living in with some friends. He would say it was a terrible apartment with dogs urinating and pooping everywhere, my friends were criminals and drug addicts. He would say all kinds of terrible things about me, my family, my friends, and my husband. And I started to believe him, because it was about the only things I ever heard. I thought that I was having sex with this man, but he would threaten to kill my husband or have him killed (the only person I felt like I had in the world, the only person that I felt understood me and loves me unconditonally). How could I have been consentually sleeping with a man that wanted to kill the love of my life? I thought that this guy really had turned my life around, but that wasn't the truth. The man was abusing me the whole time. I was there for about a year and a half. I hope you can read my story and understand that a lot of victims don't understand that they are being abused, because their abuser tricks them, manipulates them, or brainwashes them. Not only does your T know intimate details about you and your life and how you react to certain situations, he has also been telling you how to deal with certain situations. This man is a predator. He probably been planning this for a while. I actually met my kidnapper a few times before he kidnapped me. He knew my brother-in-law and he was doing construction work in the neighborhood I was living in. When he kidnapped me, he just walked right in the door of the apartment. He was planning it for weeks, watching me.

(((((((((ashadow)))))) thank your for your courage to post this. Wishing you well.

(((((((((((((((ashadow)))))))))))), yes thank you very much for sharing this, must have taken alot of courage *hugs* to you

Allme, have you googled Florence Nightingale Syndrome? Because that's what your situation and all of these feelings for a T in this forum sound like to me. The reverse kind, where the patient develops feelings for the caretaker.

Or look up Stockholm Syndrom. Thats when the people wio were kidnapped start to empathize with their kidnappers. Regardless, it seems you are determined to meet with him tomorrow. It is kind of like karma...in every event, there is always a learning opportunity. Please let us know what happens. Good luck.

I have written a paper mentioning the Stockholm Syndrome and Biderman's Chart of Coercion and submitted it to a Psychology Journal. I have studied verbal and physical abuse for over 10 years and am the moderator of an abused survivor's group. I lived verbal, physical abuse and molestation....extreme poverty as a child, and then "married" the original abuser (mother) and tried to fix the past.....for 31 years, until I found the book that saved my sanity and life: The Verbally Abusive Relationship by patricia Evans.....got a divorce, then experienced spiritual abuse (www.churchabusepoetrytherapy.com)...written a poetry book and my memoir...won a scholarship because of what I wrote about my life. Working hard to make a difference in the world.

Likening allme's feelings for her t is a far cry from the Stockholm Syndrome.

(My paper) Society's Hidden "Pandemic" Verbal Abuse: Precursor to Physical Violence and a Form of Biochemical Assault

We all have a right to our feelings or thoughts. They are not right or wrong. If everyone simply stated what they thought, and resisted giving advice, it would be better. For that reason I have said very little about my situation.

I simply need someone to hear me and not tell me what I should do. Telling people what to do rarely works.

Listening and asking good questions....does work. (at age 63 working on my degree)

So you have gone from abusive family relationships to abusive therapist relationships. Great. You don't see that? You haven't "survived". You are still being abused. And yes, thoughts and feelings can absolutely be wrong, absolutely be irrational. Thinking it is okay to continue seeing a therapist who has no professional boundaries, who is, in essence cheating on his wife, is not at all rational. I'm sorry, but it would be insincere of me to say any different. I give up.

Farmergirl, dont give up. All of us with common sense completely agree with you and appreciate your advice!!

Sharon-If your going to condone the abuse of a client, you need to just stop giving your distructive advice and masking it as some form psychology.

I myself had Stockholm Syndrome and I have seen the similarities (althought there are major differences) in some Allme's feelings and mine due to my own Stockholm Syndrome, and possibly similarities in her T and my kidnapper. That's all I was trying to say and help her understand, that perhaps he brainwashed her into thinking she was the one that was wrong, when it was really abuse. Since, I myself had this syndrome, I may understand it more than someone who has only researched it. And it does have some similarities to such situations. Since you haven't explained your past, I can only assume that you only studied it.

Thank you, Nuckingfutz for suggesting that. I haven't ever read about it. When, I first heard about it on the news months ago, I couldn't watch it, because my memories were still so fresh and my PTSD was completely out of control. Now I can read that and understand exactly why I reacted the way I did.

Your welcome.

Hi,

I've been reading all the postings on erotic transference. I had this with my old T and he basically told me not to come back! That was truly awful. (I hadn't done or said anything BTW.) Does anyone know if this is something that just happens to everyone or is it more usual with someone who's been abused - interested to know.

Thanks

I was abused and I never had this happen to me. I had never even heard of such a thing until I saw this forum on here. Maybe it is because my mom had me in counseling at such a young age that it just made the thought of having feelings for a T odd. It is probably because you tell the T so much about yourself and they are almost always understanding. They never really say anything that hurts your feelings. They are sometimes your biggest support system and they help you cope with your feelings and experiences. Most of them do make your life better. I would think that most people that have these feeling for their T's were emotionally neglected or abused as children and don't have much support in their lives now or otherwise. Their T's are probably the only one's that seem to really care about how they feel and everything they've been through. They may have never had anyone treat them with such compassion and sympathy. They may have never felt so respected or validated by anyone else in their lives. They probably never felt like they could trust anyone more than their T. I am glad your T told you to leave, that means he respected you. It probably would have been better if he could explain to you why you had those feelings and tell you that he could not disrespect you by doing anything romantic with you, but maybe he didn't understand erotic transference. Do you have a new T now? Maybe he/she could explain it to you.

Hi,

Yes, I did go to another T but didn't discuss the feelings that I had had for the first T. I'm getting some good information here. I think the feelings are easing slightly for the first but it is extremely powerful and something I was never prepared for that's why I sympathise with this situation.

Thanks

I haven't read all the posts. I just wanted to say that I quit therapy 5 years ago to be with my therapist. I told him during therapy that I was having problems, that I thought I was in love with him, and asked him to help me. He simply asked if I wanted to see someone else if it was a problem for me. But he was so NICE about it. The chemistry was sizzling, but nothing else was said. 1 month later I told him I was finished with therapy, that he did a great job, and so he said, "let's meet for coffee sometime". We did, the next week. He knew, I knew...it was all planned with no words.

I'll tell you the end now, before I go on. I am not seeing him anymore, haven't for a year....but it was hell getting out. This guy is actually extremely well known in his field, has written books, President of this and that. AFter a couple of years of feeling like I couldn't breathe without him, and he had stated he was going to marry me, well, he became elusive, his cell didn't work when he was out of town, he "went to sleep early" and couldn't answer the phone. His ex-wife, also his partner, wouldn't understand if she saw us together, so we had to stay secret. Oh, and he was afraid the husband I was separated from would get "mad". Also, he knew he would lose his license, so I had to "protect him". Which he knew, I would protect him, life and soul. But...would he protect me? NO. Would he be there for me if I needed him? NO. Was he having affairs? Probably. Was he reachable at all times. NO.

He was there for me, when I WAS WITH HIM. He proclaimed his love, gave me gifts, made huge special efforts to make dates that were amazing, epic. And the sex was incredible. When I was with him, it was like a movie. When I was away, it was as if he had disappeared off the face of the earth.

Seemed like it was so painful when I didn't see him, and the doubts were killing me, where was he? Why wouldn't his cell phone work when he was out of town (which was more and more frequent). Duh. But when we got together, I thought I must be nuts for worrying....but I wasn't.

One night he went to bed early, he left his computer on. Seems he'd been working eHarmony pretty hard and long. He had gone to Hawaii with someone else. He told me he went to get away from it all.
H
He lied to me, but said he never did, because he never counted lies of omission.

------
I thought I was going crazy. He looked so calm, so loving, so understanding, and I thought he knew everything, that he was staying in the moment, that he was misunerstood, had a horrible childhood, needed protecting, needed understanding, my love. That yes, he was difficult, but I was special. And he brought out the best in me...the me, I couldn't reach without him.

Down deep I knew I was sinking and going down fast. I even wrote 20 songs, and recorded 15 of them on an album that's coming out. I was ablaze with inspiration. I even became a galleried photographer with his encouragement. Without him, I felt I would wither and go back into the dark, black abyss where he had found me. He even said he was going to be the father of my little children and we'd all go away to Italy, where I would paint and he would write. HAH, what a gift for fantasy he had.

So I found a therapist. Not just a therapist, but one of his colleagues - a woman who had top notch morals and her therpay abilities was above his.
IT took hours and hours of hard painful work to let him go, to actually heal from my original problems, to heal from him. I grieved as if he were my mate who had died and came back to life, then died, then came back to life, then died...over and over. Because I didn't stop seeing him all at once, it took 4 months of curtain calls, each was like a little death and rebirth.

It took me several years to get the nerve to tell someone and I paid the new therapist a years worth of fees to get over him. Deep down I feel like he should have paid that fee back. I sent him an email saying I wished I had never met him, that I regretted our relationship -- he told me I was lying to myself, that I said all these other things. He was never sorry, he was never forthcoming, he never intended on marrying me, he counted on the fact that I would never tell.

When I went to the second therapist I was terrified he would find out and be furious with me. I was scared of him.

I am very happy to say, that because of her I was able to be free of him, free of the pain, free of the need, free of the wishing, free from secrets, free from my original pain, like I could breath on my own, that I could think again. It was as if a monster had driven himself into my veins and when I tried to extract him the pain was more severe than the torment of being with him.

See another therapist, but she's got to be the opposite gender of the therapist you are in love with. He's hooked into your deepest needs and has grown tentacles into your soul. These therapists are narcissists and will take your soul down with feathers and a smile.

This thread has not been active since April. It was really great reading your story and I am glad that you were able to learn from your experience. How about you start a new thread with your story...you can be a lesson and an inspiration to others. I am just concerned your story will not get the attention it deserves. Thanks for sharing!

(((((BeenThere))))) WOW!! What an awesome story of survival and recovery. My heart goes out to anyone who gets tangled in this web. It sounds so very hard to escape. Your courage will be an inspiration for others who through no fault of their own find themselves trapped in the manipulation of a preditor.

Welcome to PC and thank you for sharing your story. Hopeful not only those who have been or find themselves now in this trap will be inspired but those of us who haven't and can't relate are now better informed and more empathetic to the struggle.

PS.... good luck with your new album.

Thank you for your encouragement and listening. INteresting about the album. EVERY song is about him. And I told the new therapist, through sobbing tears, that one of my many fears was that the entire work would be a sham, a waste, an embarrassment -- all that work, all that effort, so many memories, so many intense years- if I accepted that he was just using me, then I couldn't bear it. I thought the album was my cartharsis, but it was holding me to him --- I shared all those songs with him and he was enthusiastic, called it genius, I wanted him to be proud, in awe, love me forever, even if we couldn't be together-- How could I let all those years, all that effort, all the creativity become meaningless, or worse, ridiculous?

He told me our song was : Diamonds and Rust by Joan Baez . And that I was like Joan Baez, and he was my Bob Dylan. See her song on YouTube.

That's a great idea -- I will do that. And thanks for reading my story and your nice words.