Feeling wet when I see a therapist

First, I want to say that I'm new here and reading everything that people have posted has been ENORMOUSLY helpful to me with concerns I've had for some time. I've been in therapy on and off for the last 18 years, though continuously for the last 8 years. I've moved a bit and have had 4 therapists over the last 6 years. Each one of these therapists were women (and I am a woman), all but one old enough to be my mother, though all of them have been like mother figures to me. Each therapy relationship has included hugs at the end of sessions (after an initial time), one had hugs at the beginning as well. In three of these relationships, the word love was used often by me (in emails for example, sometimes aloud), and also by them, though less frequently. I never felt like the relationships were sexual - just more motherly. However, I noticed when I would come home from these appointments that I was wet in my underwear. I sometimes could feel this a little bit happening at the time, but afterwards I could always see it. I was really ashamed of and confused by this. I'm not a lesbian (not that I believe anything is wrong w/ this), but I didn't see our relationships as sexual. However, with one of my therapists - who is a beautiful woman, I regularly thought about her while masturbating (still do). My 'fantasy' is that we'll have a session in which we start by hugging with most of our clothes off and then it turns sexual. Initially the fantasy was just to have a session where we both masturbated and she was like teaching me how, but then I let my mind run with it and it was passionate, loving, and sharing something beautiful. The wetness thing is still confusing to me. I don't feel sexually attracted to my current therapist (and I don't find her very attractive on the outside) - I love her like I love a mother or anyone who is incredibly non-judgmental, understanding, and gives me the trust and respect I deserve. Why then does this make me wet?

eastcoaster,

Transference knows no boundaries. No genders, not ages. It's transference. It's like one of the most confusing things in psychology. I have heard many other stories similar to yours and you should not be embarrassed. I got lucky and had a young male therapist, so any issues I had with that I didn't have to feel AS guilty. But it happens.

I wish I knew how to challenge you... I'm thinking but I'm pretty poor in this area. What about this particular woman made you feel like this? Was it the way she showed compassion and love? Was it the way she made you feel hopeful?

Because the things you find in them that cause transference to begin with typically are things you didn't have in childhood.

I am so sorry you are dealing with this shame, because it must feel really weird falling in love with older women and not knowing why. It probably messes with your identity, and how you see yourself. But I assure you that underneath it, it's not about sex. As much as it seems like that.

You're no longer with that therapist, but maybe if you trust your current one, you could tell her about it. She could explain it much better then I could.

LydiaB,

Thanks so much for your response. I think I just crave some sort of closeness that I didn't have with my own mom, who is emotionally unavailable and judgmental. I understood the other transference feelings (general love, wanting hugs, allowing the "child" to come out, wanting attention from therapists), but the wetness is confusing. I didn't think that it had to do with sex, but at the same time, from what I understand it is a sexual response to some sort of stimulant. It's like being loved by a mother is some sort of the ultimate pleasure for me, almost better than/replacing sex? I've particularly noticed the wetness during and after sessions when I totally open up and completely be myself, share my deepest, darkest feelings inside of me. It feels very good to be able to do these things because I know that I am not judged and am loved even more by my therapist for showing these sides of me.

Your suggestion about talking to my current therapist about the masturbation images is probably the right thing. My fear, though, is that she'll think that I could feel the same way about her, which I don't. I do want to be close to my current therapist - lots of motherly hugs, but that's it. I don't want her to feel awkward as she hugs me, I'm really sensitive to this. I guess with the previous therapist we shared so much of ourselves emotionally (she didn't reveal things about her own life, inappropriate, etc., but our relationship was emotional, tearful, and challenging) that masturbation would be another way to share a special form of closeness.

Thanks again for your thoughts.

eastcoaster, thank you for posting what you did. I have had the same reaction in therapy to a few of my women Ts, and I'm not a lesbian either. I even asked my gynecologist why that could happen, and she didn't know. My theory is that intimacy and longing for a loving relationship can arouse us the same way a sexual relationship can. It also is because of the excitement of the session, which is emotional but our bodies don't know that so they react the same way.

When I saw my first T years ago, I TOLD her about it. I thought I was going to die but told her anyway. I thought my feelings were sexual and she said they were sensual. I told her so that she would believe me that it had to do with sex but she told me it didn't. I didn't understand.

I told my other Ts too. They didn't think I was abnormal and didn't think it had to do with sex either. I thing the consensus was that I confused love and sex. I think it's that sexual excitement and intimacy are the same; it's all in your mind anyway. The feelings, that is, and then they show up the same way.

Again, thank you for your honesty. Try not to be ashamed of your feelings or your body. I don't want sex with my T either. It's love that I want. I hope I helped you a little.

(((((((eastcoaster))))))

Thanks for sharing this. I know it must have taken courage to post. While I understand why it would be confusing, I don't think it's anything you should be concerned about. I think the other posters have given you great feedback on what it might mean. I don't even think it necessarily matters whether the response or the feelings are sexual or not. I think we often spend too much timing splitting hairs over the differences between loving, caring, sensual, sexual, etc. I think all of those feelings and responses are part of the same matrix. If the bottom line is that you feel close and connected to your Ts, and therapy is helping you, then I don't think there is anything to worry about. However, I think it would be helpful to share this informaiton with your current T. I think she could give you better insight than anyone else. I don't think she'd be surprised or uncomfortable, either. I'm sure she's had other clients who have had similar things.

I totally understand your fear about this, but your T will know that having those thoughts about a previous T doesn't mean you will also have them about her.

My situation is a bit different. I am a lesbian and I had a romantic crush on my previous T (even though my body didn't react the way you describe). After I swtiched Ts, I wanted to tell New T about the feelings I had for Od T. For a long time, I couldn't bring myself to do it because I was VERY afraid New T would think that meant I'd develop feelings for her, too. I mean, I couldn't exactly phrase it as "So, New T, I know I had a thing for Old T, but don't worry! I won't ever feel that way about you! You're NOT hot like her!" I mean, even T's don't want to be told that! Eventually, I built up the courage to have the conversation with New T. I explained everything to her and she really helped me process the feelings I had for Old T, she made me feel "normal" for having those feelings, and she fully understood that having those feelings for Old T didn't mean I'd have feelings for her. She never acted awkward around me afterwards, and we even hugged at the end of that session. Not only did it help me understnad my feelings for Old T, but it made me feel much closer to New T. After that conversation, I feel like there's nothing New T and I can't discuss!

hello i think its totally natural to have those feelings for someone like that, when i go to see my doctor i feel aroused by her

As a male I had the same reaction for years when in session with my T... Until I finally "confessed" my feeligs for her - or what I THOUGHT were my feelings for her. There was more than one occasion when I wasn't looking forward to having to get up and leave the room "in that condition."

But after I finally leveled with her about the transference & we started talking about what those "attractions" were about, I found that that didn't happen anymore. Hasn't happened since. For me, it's all about her meeting that which I've craved all my life. And I was reacting to my needs finally being met. But -- the problem is, I'm an adult now. So the reactions came out in adult ways.... Awfully confusing when it's happening - and not something that can be willed away. Only thing I've found to relieve it is honesty.

Terry: I like what you said about the child feelings coming out in adult ways. That's true! Our child parts want to get close to T and love her, and get love back, which is normal, but our adult parts react as an adult, in sexual ways. That's a very good explanation for why it happens, I think. Thank you.

Thanks. That's what I was trying to say... Receiving from my T what I receive, I feel a closeness. The closeness I should have experienced a long time ago. If I would have experienced that when I should have, the reactions would have been of a child. But - now that I'm experiencing that closeness as an adult, those reactions are adult reactions... And unfortunetly, with many of us, "adult closeness" = sexual feelings.

My T and I have discussed some of the physical aspects of therapy. The physical changes that take place. "Building new neuro pathways in the brain." That's what explains the "different way of thinking" I've described to her. I actually am learning how to think differently. My BRAIN is learning how to think differently. New pathways of processing information are being developed.

I'm viewing my history with the eyes of an adult. Not the child that was paralysed by it all these years. And me and my T are comforting that child. For what was done to him. He is FINALLY getting the comfort and support he should have gotten back then. AND we're looking at what I did when I entered the grown-up world. What coping strategies I developed. What I did to feel "close" to somebody, even for a little while... And I'm learning that feeling close to somebody doesn't mean a sexual thing. It's just means connection. What I've been looking for. Again, building different ways of thinking about things. Changing how my brain works. Pretty neat stuff!!

But exhausting!!!!

Thanks to everyone for responding to my post. I do feel so, so, so much better about this whole issue. It helps a lot to know that others have had similar experiences and that speaking to your therapists, though "scary," went well, like with rainbow8. I do have a wonderfully, non-judgmental therapist, so I know (intellectually) that this conversation will go well, even if I'll be nervous to bring it up. It is something that I should bring up in the context of a session as it's almost like a secret and our relationship (like all good therapy relationships) works best when we're completely honest and share what we're feeling. Even though I've had several therapists and have seen this with each one, i.e., that whatever 'embarrassing' feelings I have are loved and not judged, I still sometimes have trouble believing that this time, about this issue all will be OK.

Scorpiosis37--you're right, we do spend too much time naming our feelings... and there are so many overlaps. Sometimes a partner fulfills a little bit of a parenting role, so it's love like that, but other times the love takes on a romantic dimension. Therapy relationships are plain weird because of the non-reciprocity and all the boundaries, but they can be wonderful for how much they help us to grow...

I really like what Terry pointed out: even though we are adults now and our bodies react in adult ways, it's the child in there who is desperately craving the love. It sounds like you have a fabulous therapist!

Thank you again to everyone. It helps so much to know that I'm not the only one with this reaction.

That's similar to what I'm doing in my therapy, Terry.

This is such an awesomely honest thread. My hats off to you guys!
I am a lesbian with a male T and also have non sexual excitement evidence at the end of many sessions. It did concern me at first and I didn't talk it over with my T, but I could have saved myself some pain if I would have done so.

What I learned is that my body was responding in a very healthy adult way to the act of being emotionally intimate with another human. It was nothing to do with my sexual desires at all! Now I can just relax and allow myself to enjoy the bond I have with my T.

Thanks so much, Wepow! I was a bit nervous writing this and then didn't see any responses for about a day, but have been so, so thankful for every response I've received, including yours. It's such a relief to know that I'm not alone on this one... I'm also glad to know that others have had good experiences sharing with their therapists situations like this. I do plan to bring this up with my therapist in an upcoming session (we already have something to talk about on Weds that we've been planning on). I hope that this thread will help others who have had the same confusing body reaction.

p.s. rainbow8 and Terry: My therapist, too, has described what we're doing as changing neuro pathways in my brain in therapy.

I can feel myself getting sexually aroused when the intimacy in the room is evident. For example, when our eyes meet after an honest exchange of words has been made, when I tell my T (woman, as well as me) that I love her, etc.
I see her as the mom i always wanted to have, so it's very confusing to experience that. And maybe it's true, and it's just our bodies reacting in an adult way to the child needs, but for me it's accompanied with masturbatory fantasies about her, so that makes it even more confusing to just assume it's the child needs.
I shared with her today some of my fantasies, and she was great about it, as she always is. It wasn't easy to share, but she is so open and accepting and doesn't recoil from me at all, so that makes it easier. I shared with her my need to seduce her, to have her submit to me and to give her pleasure. I view it more as wanting to balance the relationship or even turn the tables, and have me be in control and give her, rather than have her in control and give me.
Good luck with sharing that with your T. I am sure you will do fine!

Thank you for sharing, vaffla, and I'm so glad to know that sharing your fantasies with her went so well! I think with my previous therapist, about whom I had such fantasies, this is similar to how I understood it. I wanted to give her pleasure as she'd given me so many other important deep loving emotions--loving me unconditionally, holding my hand, crying with and for me, etc. and I know that I can't return these because of the nature of the psychotherapy relationship - I can't emotionally be there for her. Not that the physical part is something that I could give to her given these boundaries, but they would be easier to give for me. It's confusing.
Probably on Friday I'll bring up the wetness w/ my therapist -- I won't play this out ahead of time in my head, but I also will not be afraid to share the mastubatory fantasies about my previous therapist.
All of you have enormously helped me to get to this point of feeling safer to share knowing that I'm not alone in this and others have shared with success. My therapist is amazing and I know that she'll respond well. Thank you!

I'm really happy to have stumbled onto this thread...I especially like the idea of kid feelings coming out in grownup ways, and I want to think about that more. Still, just to put a different spin on things...

I have the exact same issue with what seems to be a sexual (or at least physical) response during therapy. While I'm a lesbian with a lesbian therapist, I don't think I have a romantic crush on her (though I'm waiting for it ). I do have a "mommy crush" on her that I avoid thinking about as much as possible.

Still, I don't think that's the issue. I've been paying attention to when this happens for a while now, and what I think I've finally figured out is that for me it's my body's response to fear. I'm pretty terrified of intimacy, as well as of wanting things I can't have (for example, a T who will be my mom). The more in touch with that sort of terror a session puts me, the more likely I am to have that particular physical reaction. It's just how my body responds!

For me it might have to do with wires getting crossed during a past history of SA...I dunno. And I don't think a person necessarily has to have experience with SA or other abuse to have that response to fear.

I don't know what your history is, Eastcoaster, but I did notice that you said it's more likely to happen when you've experienced vulnerability, etc. in a session. So, just a thought to add to the mix. Hope you find it useful.

Thank you so, SO much for posting about this!!!

2or3things: I'm so, so glad that you contributed to this thread! This gives me another reason to bring it up with my therapist just in case I get too nervous since the mystery isn't quite solved... Maybe it isn't the adult child-like response to emotional intimacy, but rather fear, fear of being hurt, betrayed, etc. I guess I should perhaps chart when this reaction happens - it certainly has been at moments when I share about myself things that are "embarrassing" and make me feel vulnerable. Since these moments are always accompanied by a therapist's looks of love and compassion, it's hard to tell. I'm sure that there's not one reason that can be definitively identified, but it's definitely worth exploring since, as always, it's about bigger issues... Me too, it's often hard for me to love that part of me that is just dying for a mom I cannot have. Thank you again!

I have not talked to my t about this but I have come up with my own reasonings. For people who have experience CSA, sexual arousal = shame. I think the loop goes the other way as well. Intense shame that is ellicited in therapy for me sometimes = arousal. I think my pathways are truly messed up but I am not ever going to talk to my t about this. Just my 2cents on this.

Yeah. I get the hesitation in talking about such a sensitive topic. To a therapist or whoever. As a matter of fact, until this thread was started I would have never imagined disclosing what I've disclosd here...

But the reality is I HAVE talked to my T about this - albeit after 3 years of it happening..... And her responses were, as I have come to expect, comforting, reassuring, and non-judgemental. And afterwards - going home after the session - I remember saying to myself : "Well, there's another area I don't have to keep secret anymore...."

Point is, over time - by discussing things I SWORE I would never tell another human being about what it's like to be me, I've slowly been able to receive the tools to not judge myself so harshly. By developing TRUST and WILLINGNESS to share even the "ackward parts" of me with this one person - my T - I've developed a much kinder view of who I am. And my life is changing because of it...

I've lived a long time keeping secrets. First, the secrets of growing up "in that house." Then I kept secret how those events changed me. And it wasn't until I could no longer live with those secrets did I begin the therapy process. The trust process. The willingness process. The disclosure process. And now I'm experiencing the receiving comfort, support, and encouragement process...

Now, I don't envision my shouting these things from the rooftops! But isn't it wonderful that I FINALLY have found somebody to share not just the good stuff with, but also the "secrets." And - much to my surprise - by doing so, I'm FINALLY joining in on my life. Not just watching it!! I get it about not telling someone those secrets. But somebody told me a long time ago that whatever we try to bury, we bury it alive...

When you're ready.... Good Luck!!

Terry

I've never heard this before, but it's great. It certainly explains how buried emotions can mess you up. The visual itself is enough to get me going digging up that buried stuff. I want it out of me!!! Thanks, Terry. This is going to help me a lot.

Thanks so much, Terry. You're right about the secrets. I feel like I have had so many of them for so long, though thankfully I have been able to share many of them in therapy. This will be a very good step for me. I emailed my therapist last night and said that I know we'd originally planned to talk about X, but that I have something else that I'd like for us to focus on instead. I did this in part so that it'll be harder to 'chicken out.' So... this afternoon hopefully we'll talk about this. There is a little bit of lead up and I tend to go a little slowly at the beginning of sessions, but hopefully our 50-55 minutes will be enough time for us to be able to get a good start to this conversation.

Really, THANK YOU EVERYONE for posting and your support. I'm very glad that this thread has been helpful for many of us! Yes, I, too, never thought that I'd be able to be so open. Certainly not in a therapy group, this format is very good for such things (and free!).

Good Luck!! No sweat. I can't imagine we'd be able to come up with something they haven't heard a bunch of times already!!

Let us know how it goes.

(((hugs)))

Terry

I agree with everyone who posted about the transference and would like to add another thought: I think people are all over the "spectrum" as far as sexual attraction goes.
Women who are "straight" can certainly have sexual feelings for women, although in this case(with your T), I think most of it has to do with the fact that your T is giving you some of the attention that your mother was not able to.

Been in love with my t for 7 years, and the feelings have not changed....he considers me a "colleagae" since I am studying for the same profession and we are the same age.

He dislikes the word, transference as much as I do; transference is present in ALL relationships; just a fancy word for feelings.

It is amazing there isn't much we haven't discussed (love, sex, death, paraphilias, body parts, body language, etc., etc.....)

I would advise discussing this with T, for sure. Each element that prevents you from working on yourself in therapy slows your healing. The T can often provide answers that suit the situation, and there's no real need to suffer while stuffing the feelings etc. Get them out in the open where T can help you understand what you are going through, and begin to heal.