[LearningMe01]

More specifically, how did you get over it? My particular brand of transference is Def. of the romantic nature. It's really driving me crazy and I can't shake it. My T will be leaving before too long, it's bad enough that I'm going to have to grieve the loss of someone who has helped me SO incredibly much (quite a painful situation that I am not looking forward to) I would really rather the rest of my sessions not be "tainted" by my transference issues.

Talking to the T about it isn't an option for me (long story , just please trust me on this one)

Also, while I have you here....for those of you who lost a therapist they were really close with...how long did the grieving process last? Any tips or tricks on how to make it a little easier on myself? I know myself too well, and I know it's going to be a horrid situation for me - at least for a little while.

Thanks in advance for any input.

P.S. I Could totally use a hug too

[Meisjes]

Well, can't say that my transferrence was positive with my first T. My T told me thanks for telling him about the transferrence (I was very timid, small, mouse like), then in the same breath he said if it couldn't be managed he would find alternative T for me. In a lot of my time with him I felt he wasn't confident to handle my issues even though he said I could talk about anything I wanted/needed.then when I'd start he'd say I couldn't talk about it for one reason or another. Said he was afraid of me. So I learned right quick not to say more about it for fear of loss and dealt with my feelings on my own as I was too insecure to have him in control of where I'd go next. Terrified actually. Wish I would have moved on much sooner.

Now the T who was very helpful to me, there was some transferrence but more of a daughter to father kind of relationship. He was good with that and treated me as a daughter wants to be treated. Big age difference helped too. Then he became very sick and passed away almost 1 1/2 years ago. It is still hard to believe he's not there. Sometimes I'm thinking about something and I'll go "I should talk to J about this"...and then I remember that he's gone. I still grieve but in a healthy way I think. I think about the ways in which he helped me. Towards the end he couldn't be there, understandably, but he believed in learning from the life we live at the moment, not necessarily by sitting in a therapists office so during his illness he allowed me to continue connecting with him and I hope I was supportive to him because he believed in normal relationships, not clinical relationships so much. It gave me opportunity to learn how to be part of his passing and my loss. He understood and helped me accept this before he left. it was the kind of relationship he established even before we started working on the hard stuff - said we would be friends while working on stuff and then we would continue to be friends. I think about the love he had for life and how he lived big with as much energy as he could even though he couldn't get around much any more. He was just a great blessing in my life. I am so fortunate to have had him in my life. Hope he reads this too. While I didn't finish the work I started on with J, I found it was ok to let it be ok because of the whole experience. It feels whole.

[archipelago]

I'm so sorry to hear this. I empathize because I have had strong transference with my current therapist though that got worked through and now we are in a more real place if I can put it that way. What I mean is that after a tough time getting started, I went through a phase of puppy love and then full blown attraction. I was convinced that he felt it too by various things.

Eventually I realized that I was taking our intimacy and total trust and special relationship in terms of erotic categories, when actually those things don't need to be erotic. I realized based on my own history and also understanding how this culture contributes to making such a big deal out of sex, that there wasn't anything necessarily erotic, romantic, or sexual in the feelings. In fact, they felt more important and more real without the erotic overlay.

I'm still deeply attached and will never stop that as long as I live. He is the first person who has actually understood me from the deepest level (and I have a partner for 30 years). But there is something special about this type of relationship. When he retires, I will miss him terribly. Right now I can't imagine life without him.

On the other hand, he has helped me understand my own capacities and strength. What he calls my preciousness. That will help me move on without him.

With most therapy relationships, you end up internalizing part of the therapist as part of yourself. So even if the person actually ends up leaving your life, they are still inside of you. That can never be taken away.

I am so sorry to hear about your loss...I can relate. I suggest you get recommendations from your current T so you have someone to start seeing right away to help guide you through the grieving process, because it's not easy at all, and there will be times when it hurts a lot. I really do wish you the best of luck.

[feralkittymom]

Originally Posted by Meisjes

Now the T who was very helpful to me, there was some transferrence but more of a daughter to father kind of relationship. He was good with that and treated me as a daughter wants to be treated. Big age difference helped too. Then he became very sick and passed away almost 1 1/2 years ago. It is still hard to believe he's not there. Sometimes I'm thinking about something and I'll go "I should talk to J about this"...and then I remember that he's gone. I still grieve but in a healthy way I think. I think about the ways in which he helped me. Towards the end he couldn't be there, understandably, but he believed in learning from the life we live at the moment, not necessarily by sitting in a therapists office so during his illness he allowed me to continue connecting with him and I hope I was supportive to him because he believed in normal relationships, not clinical relationships so much. It gave me opportunity to learn how to be part of his passing and my loss. He understood and helped me accept this before he left. it was the kind of relationship he established even before we started working on the hard stuff - said we would be friends while working on stuff and then we would continue to be friends. I think about the love he had for life and how he lived big with as much energy as he could even though he couldn't get around much any more. He was just a great blessing in my life. I am so fortunate to have had him in my life. Hope he reads this too. While I didn't finish the work I started on with J, I found it was ok to let it be ok because of the whole experience. It feels whole.

Thank you for this. My experience has been much the same as yours, and sometimes I feel as if no one else shares this kind of relationship.

My T retired due to poor health during my therapy with him, though after many years. He's still a part of my life years later, the relationship still rather Father/daughter, though without the therapy. Although his health is pretty good, he is aging, and I will probably experience his passing. The grieving will be horribly painful, but that is fitting. Having him still in my life is a precious benefit, and I'm still learning from him just by witnessing how he handles the challenges and joys life brings. I suspect he will be as open and direct about the end of his life, to whatever degree his health allows, as he has been about everything else in life. I, too, feel blessed by our relationship.

[LearningMe01]

You all are awesome, thanks very much for sharing with me. It helped

[Ike McCaslin]

LM01, I wish you the best. I recently moved away from my PDOC, with whom I have definite romantic transference and told her so. I see her at least once more, due to my D's orthodontia appt in the same town(we are 3 hours away). I haven't prepared myself for the final goodbye. I don't know how to. Wish I could be of more help.

[susan900]

Originally Posted by LearningMe01

More specifically, how did you get over it? My particular brand of transference is Def. of the romantic nature. It's really driving me crazy and I can't shake it. My T will be leaving before too long, it's bad enough that I'm going to have to grieve the loss of someone who has helped me SO incredibly much (quite a painful situation that I am not looking forward to) I would really rather the rest of my sessions not be "tainted" by my transference issues.

Talking to the T about it isn't an option for me (long story , just please trust me on this one)

Also, while I have you here....for those of you who lost a therapist they were really close with...how long did the grieving process last? Any tips or tricks on how to make it a little easier on myself? I know myself too well, and I know it's going to be a horrid situation for me - at least for a little while.

Thanks in advance for any input.

P.S. I Could totally use a hug too

Hi, I just read your post, and felt it would be good to share, as you asked, "of those of you who lost a therapist"

Well, I had transference towards my therapist, in the summer of last year. I did have an awful time, you can read on my post if you like to know the whole story. I wanted him to NOT abandon me, as I feared this for nearly four months! Unfortunatly, he DID abandon me, therefore it was painfull. But thanks to God! I am okay now, and I feel nothing towards him but annoyance at how he didnt even email be back to just say, dont worry, I understand, I just wanted him to understand I was so embarrased about all these feelings I had and how important I had made him in my life.

I wished now, that I had listened to my husband and daughters, that he was "just a guy" and that I should not have put my complete trust in him, as he couldnt deal with me. I am so happy now, that the awful time is behind me., And I hope and pray that you will believe me, that you WILL get over your transference feelings. Wish you much happiness.

["Tilly may"]

Wow, Im so sorry that you are suffering this. I was having these issues with my T so I stopped seeing her. After one month I actually started to feel normal again. So i thought i could handle seeing her again and I went back yesterday. Since then I keep thinking about her. I dont know what the problem is , why this is happening,. I know the pain that you are feeling, it is like love loss.
Tilly may

[LearningMe01]

Originally Posted by "Tilly may"

Wow, Im so sorry that you are suffering this. I was having these issues with my T so I stopped seeing her. After one month I actually started to feel normal again. So i thought i could handle seeing her again and I went back yesterday. Since then I keep thinking about her. I dont know what the problem is , why this is happening,. I know the pain that you are feeling, it is like love loss.
Tilly may

Thanks Tilly. That's exactly how it feels...like "love lost". It's miserable. It's going to be a little longer than I thought (before she leaves) but she's leaving eventually none the less.

[LearningMe01]

Hey Gang.

Well, I made it through therapy tonight...lol

It seems that maybe she was just having a bad day last week (or it was in my head) things were fairly "normal" except for some discussion about my "feelings for her" and what my feelings are about her eventually leaving. (not the transference thing...she still doesn't know that.) If you're interested though,I'm writing a thread about it now.

["Tilly may"]

Im sorry you are feeling this pain. The only way I could feel better was to decide that the Transference wasnt worth it. to move on and think aobut other relationships in my life that are real.

[rubymoon]

my therapist moved out of state after 6 months of intense therapy twice a week. the pain ha s been almost as intense as when my daughter was killed. i fear i am too old now to handle this anguish. an0therT is out of the question. thanks forall the insghts

[nicoleflynn]

Fell in love with my t 7 years ago; told him about it. Unfortuately he has feelings for me. Somehow I have found a way to live with what is.

A therapy relationship is.....real. Feelings are real, not right or wrong, they simply are.