Erotic Transference

Southpole...I can so relate to what you are feeling!! You pretty much summed up how I feel. I don't feel like I am in love with my T nor do I think that I love her...but whatever this weird feeling is, it is very powerful and is all consuming. I think about her a lot...I want for her to take care of me yet when I REALLY get to thinking about it I think to myself... " omg, that is so f***** up,P. what is WRONG with you??" I am so conflicted. During my sessions I struggle to talk about what I am feeling regarding my T. So I emailed her last week...told her that I missed her during her 2 week vaca. ( I didn't tell her that I missed her until the very last line). Then she replied in another email that I do some of my best work after the session...so that prompted me to email her back and I asked her if she could nudge me a little regarding everything I said in my email, even if it makes me uncomfortable. Hell, if I am paying good money to go, I want my best work to be DURING my session...not after. Thanks for your post,,,have a great night.

I can SO relate , to both of you!! My T is a lesbian, I identify as bisexual, but am married to a Man. My feelings for T started with a dream. In the dream we were in some sort of relationship...I believe it was a sexual relationship, but there was no "sex" in the dream, it was just implied or something. For the first few days I told myself it was just about the dream, but the feelings just got stronger and stronger. Unlike you all, I do believe they are love feelings, because I would be interested in T even if she wasn't my T...she's "my kind of people" if you know what I mean. I've been seeing her for almost two years and kept my feelings in, I was terrified to talk to her about them, terrified and embarrassed. Because, obviously those feelings aren't returned (and even if they were, she'd never tell me). And it's awkward. I mean, in "real life" situations , you don't have to "discuss your feelings for someone" like that. I finally opened up a couple sessions ago. She was fairly gentle, but at one point said "well, it's not like we can go out for coffee". I said (in kind of a joking manor) "well, for what it's worth - if it was allowed, I would totally ask you out for coffee" she smiled and said "well, you know I can't tell you if I would want to go our not....because it could fuel a fantasy" (fuel a fantasy? Uhm, ouch?) but then she said "but what would it mean to you, if I said yes, if it was allowed , I would like to have coffee with you." What would it mean to me?? It would mean "well damn, she likes me too...but I'm married and I understand boundaries" that's ALL it would mean. I think T's have to be very careful with what they say to ALL their clients, because some might take things way out of proportion, although I think the majority of us are just people looking for a little understanding.

Who would have thought therapy would put us in a situation like this? lol I thought all therapy was supposed to do is help us. (Although, I admit, it really does help me also)

Take care, and hang in there!

Oh yes, THIS!

Me too ...

Wow thanks for your responses 1stepatatime and LearningMe, it sooo helps to know that I am not alone in these weird and all encompassing feelings

And after reading your post LearningMe I agree re the love feelings - she is definitely one of my sort of people, which I think is what makes it harder for me to tell her. But I just don't know why I love her like this ... how can someone who I only see for an hour a week, who I know next to nothing about, and for whom I am just one of many who come to see her each week, mean so much to me?? Like more than other people in my life? Transference is well strange ...

It drives me mad that I think about her so much. If she knew, god knows what she would think of me ... I think I hide it well though, I am such a cool cucumber in session and I absolutely pretend like I don't really care about her that much. I've even said to her, "I don't want to know anything about you' to hide the fact that I want to know EVERYTHING about her, LOL Oh and after she went on a two week vacation (and I missed her a lot) when we came back to session she said "I missed you". I freaked out internally, really wanted to say "I missed you toooooo" but didn't. I said something lame like "ah yeah ... sure ... it's nice to see you ... um" which of course was me hiding my feelings again. Ugh. I'm so far away from admitting these feelings to her!

1stepatatime - would love to know how you go with explaining things to her via your email. I think you were really brave to start the discussion. Learningme - am so inspired by your discussion re having coffee with her but also can't imagine saying it!! The fear of rejection is so strong and knowing that she could only reject me would hurt

Hope we can all work through these feelings ...

There is nothing to be terrified or embarrassed about. Feelings aren't right or wrong, they simply.....are. Therapy is an intense relationship; powerful feelings come up...it may be for the first time that someone hears us, sees us and affirms us. That in itself is powerful. I told my t of my feelings many years ago. It was very scary, but the best thing I could have done. I didn't want to hide, because I felt I would be insincere and I wanted to be honest.

Hey,Learning
I understand how you feel.... I am "family"...so I am attracted to people of the same sex. Having said that, I don't think that I feel that attraction for my T...although sometimes it is very confusing!!! Yes, T's do need to be mindful to what they say because some clients may not know boundaries. I am very aware of boundaries... probably too much aware. Well...best wishes to you in the therapeutic experience!!

Hello,South pole
Thanks for your compliments:-) For me, emailing is easier....I am pretty good at getting my thoughts and feelings out that way. My T knows this about me and is fine with it. I told her in an email last week that I need her to push me a little more during our sessions because I am not comfortable initiating stuff...its really hard for me!! She agreed to it so it should be very interesting to see what happens tonight....I will keep you posted! Have a great day

Always nice to meet "family" on here

My T asked me what I thought of those boundaries. Without even thinking I blurted out "I think they are ********. Asinine. I mean, who is some psychology board to tell me who I can and can't have in my life?"

She looked shocked at how forwardly I stated my feelings on that subject lol

I do understand why those boundaries are there....but for me, they are unnecessary. I am perfectly capable of deciding what is good for me - and what isn't; on my own.

Good luck to you too! Therapy is a very interesting journey

Ugh. I don't want to be feeling like this anymore This sucks. Why can't I just not care about her? Why does it have to hurt like this?

LOL... Good for you!! I like that you said exactly what you felt about boundaries. As a matter of fact, I plan on discussing my T's boundaries next Tuesday She does not self disclose..at all. It almost seems like there is invisible wall,if you will. She told me that she has to have them...and I get it..I don't want to know all about her personal life..it's about me, not her..but because I am self disclosing such intimate personal stuff that nobody else knows...it would be nice just to have a little glimpse into her world, just a little one. It's a little frustrating, as I am sure you know! I even went as far as telling her that I am aware of transference but she is not my mama nor is she my lover...lol She is most certainly very relevant in my life...but it is hard to grasp...my last session was so uncomfortable...because of the silent moments,,,makes me squirm..at the end I told her 'okay, time to go". So i need to dig into that a little deeper..see what triggered those feelings of anxiety,fear. Next Tuesday will be here soon enough : ) You have a wonderful night and I am sure we will catch up again soon

I really wish I had the answer for you. I spent the entire drive home from my session crying today.
Hang in there.

My Pdoc broght up transference in our relationship during the first few meetings. He knew about a relationship many years ago and wondered how i felt now. How I feel about a man has nothing to do with his job. I had and still have some romantic feelings for him but not to the extent that I will act on them now. We have a good friendship right now and I would like it to stay that way. I need him but not in my bed.

"I even went as far as telling her that I am aware of transference but she is not my mama nor is she my lover"

ooooooh yes, THIS!!

LOL that's awesome! I might use that one week

Today, she insisted on making me talk about very uncomfortable things the entire time, and also spoke about how her leaving (she's leaving in like november) is "certain" and how we will never see each other again. (She wanted to know if that made me sad....DUH) Uhhmm, ouch? And it's not like I sit there and tell her "oooh I love you, I need you ...blah blah blah" actually, I've only mentioned my feelings to her once, and that was without going in to great detail.

She knows I don't want her to leave, but who would? All "other" feelings aside, who wants to lose a therapist that they really click with?

I was in tears by the end of the session. And now I'm embarrassed. (i'm not really a cryer) I'm starting to wonder if maybe I should just stop seeing her now, and not delay the pain of "losing her" any longer.

Well that's wonderful! Good for you!