[shadowrock]

I have an appointment next week, after I walked away from my two-year therapy, to talk about the transference issue.

Since I am on a longer trip, T suggested journaling as providing a container for my feelings and a medium for sorting them out. To my surprise, it is so difficult to put those feelings into words. I reviewed my journal and found it quite useless – what I have done was to rationalize my emotions and feelings. It sounds more like I am the psychotherapist analyzing someone else’s issues. I know enough now to know that a journal like this provides no material for therapy, and that we will end up talking like colleagues over this difficult issue.

I emailed T about my barrier, and he wrote back and asked me to stop doing his job. He said that dealing with transference issues was among the most intense aspects of any course of therapy, and that he was fully committed to working with me to resolve it. But he was not going to talk to me as a colleague but as my T.

I do trust his ability in dealing with this tough issue. But I really doubt how much room we have here for "negotiation."

For a long period of time, it never occurred to me that I would want to talk about this issue. I somehow treated it as a shadow in which I felt the support and comfort I needed to go through the difficult work. In other words, I needed this strong connection, a powerful force, to push me deeper, although it was not at all easy.

But it finally got in the way of the therapy. I brought it up because it seemed to demand attentions – I was no longer able to freely record dreams and openly talk about emotions and feelings. I started avoiding, hiding, and finally escaping.

Several weeks ago in a session, I suddenly determined to end it altogether. I saw a flash of twitch in T's eyes when I announced it. But it's quickly recovered with a rational goodbye session. We acknowledged the efforts the other person made and the progress the therapy reached. He gave some directions on how to cope with symptoms like nightmares or flashbacks and said that I knew how to find him when I needed.

I felt sad but somehow relieved when I walked out of his office. But a surge of emotion started building up stronger and stronger, and I literally felt paralyzed at the end of the day. The pain was beyond my understanding. But I had to take it for it was my own choice.

T emailed me shortly thereafter, and asked me to consider resuming the therapy for the remaining work. I accepted the suggestion with hesitation, and brought up the transference issue. He appreciated my bringing up this difficult subject, and promised to work with me to resolve it. So, we are going to talk about it in person next week.

I see clearly that I am (or perhaps we are) facing a dilemma in terms of continuing the therapy -- I am eager to work through the issue instead of escaping it. Meanwhile, this prospect itself is frightening to me. Here, I am not talking about ego related issues, such as vulnerabilities or embarrassment. What I am afraid most is that, without a deep connection, I will fall into a total rational state as I was before -- stable but not workable!

I feel sad that I am at this moment still so rational although deep down my soul is crying. I don't think I have harmed anyone -- I never expected anything from T other than a T. Counter transference? Certainly. But I never allowed myself to go there, for it is already very hard in dealing with this side of the problem. And I never give less to my husband, and he is one of the reasons I suddenly pulled myself out of the therapy and arranged a three-week cruise trip with him. If anyone gets hart, it’s me! I have been consumed by those burning feelings day and night, devastated and exhausted!

This is the last day of my trip, and I come here to take a deep breath, and moan a little before heading back to face such an awkward situation.

Please help, would you!



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[FeelTheBurn]

Hi shadowrock. As you might discern from my username, I am familiar with those burning, intense feelings. That level of connection or attachment is so painful, and so meaningful, for those of us who form it.

I am not sure how to help, except to tell you that you are not alone in this. I think I understand what you mean about being afraid to lose that connection, that perhaps in "working through it" you will lose the depth of security and confidence it gave you to plumb the deepest parts of yourself, to get out of your own head a bit. I know that, for me, my attachment to my T has enabled me to begin healing some very deep wounds, and that if I hadn't formed that connection I would not have even begun to approach that part of me. I probably would never have even been able to acknowledge that I had those wounds.

Like you indicated, I tend to be very "heady" during therapy, analytical and thoughtful, but a little skittish when it comes to being very vulnerable and open about the deep places. Having such deep trust and connection with my T caused me to allow her to re-parent me in a way, and create a space where I feel safe enough to explore my feelings for her, study their meaning, and use them to heal myself. Without those feelings, I would never have gone there.

My guess is (and it is a guess, because I am still "working through") that, in exploring these feelings with your T, you will not eliminate them. Rather than denying or escaping from them, you will dive into them, discover their meaning for you, and find a way to assimilate them into your life. Working through them does not necessarily mean finding a way to eradicate them--rather, it's using them to discover more about yourself, and heal. And it sounds like your T has a good handle on how to help you do that.

I can't tell you what they will mean to you, but I can tell you that my feelings for my T have shown me how to connect in a deep, profound, fundamental way with another human being, someone I trust and who has my best interests at the forefront, and liberated me from a lot of fear and restriction that interfered with my ability to connect with others in my life. I now feel much more capable of relating intimately with the people I care about in "real life." Yes, it can be frustrating, painful, and sometimes embarrassing to have those feelings, but if used wisely by both you and your T, they can be liberating and enormously helpful.

Good luck. Stay in touch here; it is a good place to vent and share safely. And please, if you are so inclined, let us know how it turns out!

[shadowrock]

Thank you, FeelTheBurn, for your listening and understanding! This means a lot to me.

I am right now reading your post at airport and don't have time to write in length. I will when I get back.

Hugs!

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[shadowrock]

Originally Posted by FeelTheBurn

My guess is (and it is a guess, because I am still "working through") that, in exploring these feelings with your T, you will not eliminate them. Rather than denying or escaping from them, you will dive into them, discover their meaning for you, and find a way to assimilate them into your life. Working through them does not necessarily mean finding a way to eradicate them--rather, it's using them to discover more about yourself, and heal. And it sounds like your T has a good handle on how to help you do that.

I can't tell you what they will mean to you, but I can tell you that my feelings for my T have shown me how to connect in a deep, profound, fundamental way with another human being, someone I trust and who has my best interests at the forefront, and liberated me from a lot of fear and restriction that interfered with my ability to connect with others in my life. I now feel much more capable of relating intimately with the people I care about in "real life." Yes, it can be frustrating, painful, and sometimes embarrassing to have those feelings, but if used wisely by both you and your T, they can be liberating and enormously helpful.

Good luck. Stay in touch here; it is a good place to vent and share safely. And please, if you are so inclined, let us know how it turns out!

Hi, FeelTheBurn, I read your posts from time to time, and appreciate your contributions to the community!

I particularly appreciate your sharing your experience and advising on my situation. At this moment, your thoughts on the meaningful and even beneficial part of the issue are so helpful. Although I am still not sure if I can “work through it” in a meaningful way, I can’t thank you enough for that.

I do believe that my T has a good handle on how to help me working through the feelings. But my fear of facing the transferential issue is largely derived from the intense nature of my therapy – a trauma work based on sexual violence and the related issues. This nature makes the issue much harder to deal with from both sides of the therapy. The reason that I have gone this far is the deep connection and trust I built up through the difficult work in the past two years. But it could also be quite fragile for various reasons. I would be happy to talk about it via PM if you care to listen.

I will certainly come here often to share with and learn from you and other friends.

[shadowrock]

Finally, the session is over. It wasn’t as tough as I thought but somehow beyond my expectation.

As first time facing the transference issue, I was very uneasy. T didn’t try to ease me with any routine explanation of the issue. He didn’t even mention the word transference. He said, “We will be ok!” And then cut right into the “work” – listening, questioning, and taking notes.

A couple of times, I slipped into my analytic habit to escape the vulnerable and embarrassing feelings, and he interrupted me, “Stop doing my job! Just concentrate on your feelings!” Other times he stared at me for a second, and said, “Let it go for now. But keep in mind that we will come back to this.”

It is clear that he is skillful and sophisticated enough in handling the issue. I felt encouraged and supported all the time, and didn’t, as I was anxious about, lose the connection with him psychologically and emotionally. What a relief to my fear of rejection or disconnection!

But, this is only a part of the story! T said at the end of the session that we had work to do, and that I had something much deeper didn’t tell him. He sensed something revealed from the transference that challenged the discourse of the therapy we made together (under his guidance) in past two years. That was a very perceptive insight, given how illusive and uncertain the material I revealed through my tranferential feelings.

Now, the issue becomes – how vulnerable I could tolerate and how deep I would want him to dive into my shadow area?

My assignment for next session is – talking about the most recurrent dream(s) with him in it. He said, “You may write it down if you feel too difficult to talk about. I will read it.”

I feel he is pushing my limits. He knew from the past that I always had room for him to push. But I am not sure about this time.

Any advice or suggestions?

[growlycat]

Sounds like you are doing really great work. Just trust your T as much as you can and "go with it" , try to just do what he asks without judging yourself.

Close to a breakthrough maybe???

[shadowrock]

Originally Posted by growlycat

Sounds like you are doing really great work. Just trust your T as much as you can and "go with it" , try to just do what he asks without judging yourself.

Close to a breakthrough maybe???

Thank you, growlycat, for your warm words! They mean a lot to me!

I don't allow myself to expect too much at this point but you are right that I should just do what he asks without judging myself.