Really want to bring up my transference, please help

Have been seeing my therapist for 2.5 years now and have had intense erotic transference for two of them and been unable to bring it up. I know that he can handle it appropriately and skillfully, and I've committed to talking about it several times and even practiced what I'm going to say, but when I sit down in the office and look at him I just can't do it. Any suggestions on what I can do? I feel like the therapy is stalled because I can't talk about this, and I think about him all the time and it's really painful.

You could write it down and give it to him. I know how scary it is, because I did it. He is probably aware of it.

You're right Nicole. I'm sure he's totally aware of it already--like pretty darn sure. And it's still been impossible for me to get the words out. I've been able to talk about missing him between sessions and how hard it is when he's away on vacation and how it's hard that I can't just talk to him all the time, so I've brought up elements of the transference, just not the sexual part. I'm pretty repressed sexually in my own life, so I think it's something that I really need to talk about--maybe more than anything else. Our hands touched when he was giving me a book he suggested I read and I felt like I was on FIRE. Like, it's really intense and I'm embarrassed about it. I was going to try to bring it up yesterday during our session, working out what I was going to say beforehand but as soon as I walked into the office and looked into his eyes I knew I wouldn't be able to say anything. I have another session tomorrow and I'm already feeling defeated because I know I won't be able to get the words out. I don't think I can give him a written note either because I just can't bear sitting there in front of him while he reads it. I was thinking MAYBE MAYBE MAYBE I could email him in between sessions about it that way I wouldn't have to face him immediately after saying it.

I really do think that he'll be able to handle it well and that NOT talking about it is getting in the way of me making progress. It's really rough. I'm also embarrassed that I've felt this way for two years and have been unable to talk about it.

Hi! So when I read the first sentence of your original post, I misunderstood you having "intense erotic transference for two of them" to mean that you have intense erotic transference for two therapists (instead of two years), and I was a little confused.

I wanted to respond because I somewhat recently (almost two months ago) told my own therapist, "Cat," how I feel about her. I think that this actually ended up being the best thing I could have done, because I feel like before I told her, the anxiety was inhibiting me from truly focusing on other things, and now I'm much happier with where we're at in therapy. And I'm proud of myself! Because it was not easy to just sit there and spill my guts to this gorgeous person that I could never actually have any other sort of relationship with besides a professional one.

I know you're embarrassed that you've felt this way for so long and you haven't been able to talk about it, but I think that if you don't say anything soon, you will only feel more anxious about it as time goes on. I believe in you, and I believe that you can talk to him about this and work through it. You mentioned a couple times that you know your T "can handle it appropriately and skillfully" and that therapy is currently stalled because you're so anxious about this. Do you know what specifically you are scared of? From what you've mentioned, it doesn't sound like he would refer you. Are you worried about messing up the current dynamic or that he would say something that would result in you feeling ashamed?

I think it's good that you've already mentioned aspects of the transference to him. You said that you haven't mentioned the sexual part and I understand that you're embarrassed about it, but if it helps, I don't think you necessarily need to use the word "sexual." I mean, I've told Cat that I have a crush on her, that I have feelings for her, and that I feel guilty about how I think of her sometimes... but I've never actually used the word "sexual." She's a very intelligent woman and I'm sure she knows without me spelling it out for her. I'm sure if you tell your T that you have feelings for him, he'll get the idea... I don't think you necessarily have to come right out and say, "I am so sexually attracted to you that my body burns and when you handed me that book it felt like I was on FIRE" or that you desperately want to bang him on the couch. But if you feel like you need to talk about the way your feelings towards him relate to how you're repressed sexually in your own life, you totally can and should if you feel that it's important to explore that aspect. I just wanted to say that I don't think you necessarily need to start with all of that right away.

I also wondered a lot about how to best tell Cat about my feelings for her (if I could even actually get it out), and I also thought that if I were to give her a letter during the session, it would be terribly awkward for me to just sit there while she read it... I also considered emailing her, but I didn't because I felt that I personally would just be incredibly anxious waiting to hear back from her. But you've seen your T for a lot longer than I've seen Cat, and if you feel best emailing him, definitely do that! I worried over whether or not to tell Cat for a few weeks -- I can't imagine struggling with it for years. I do think it's time that you tell him, and we'll support you as much as we can from here. Please do let us know how your appointment goes tomorrow (whether or not you tell him)... and you can private message me any time.

Also, Cat once handed me a glass of water and I accidentally touched her fingers. I'm sure my hands were shaking right afterward.

I remember being worried about it myself. But a session literally stalled when it began and she knew I was holding back on something. I was able to tell her because I trusted her and trusted she would make an appropriate decision after telling her. What became of it after telling her more than a month ago? Our sessions became more groundbreaking and our therapy has progressed wonderfully. She and I have been even more comfortable with each other during sessions instead of a *feared* awkward relationship.

You've been with you T for way longer than I have (I only six months going on seven) and I was able to trust her without really knowing her. I would say, if you do trust him and it will progress your therapy, go for it.

I was also going to say, in regards to telling him... I would talk about talking about it. What I mean by that is that I think you should start telling him that there's something you want to talk to him about, and although you're very embarrassed/anxious about it, you trust him to be there and help guide you through it. You can also say you'll email him later if you feel unable to actually say it in session. But I think that if you can at least mention that there's something you want to discuss and express the nature of the topic, that's everything, right there... because no matter how much you stall or stammer afterward, you need to finish addressing it.

I really liked how heda said, "I was able to tell her because I trusted her and trusted she would make an appropriate decision after telling her." I think this was also true for my situation. I felt very strongly that I needed to be honest, and no matter what came of it, I was doing the right thing. I think I did trust Cat to act appropriately, even if she did ultimately refer me. (She didn't!) There was a short time (well, a week, and it didn't feel short then!) where she was wondering if I was stressing out too much about my feelings for her and if it would be in my best interest to refer me, but I think that was also partly due to a misunderstanding about what exactly I was anxious about. We were able to work through it and everything is okay again.

Cat has not had a lot of experience in this area (she mentioned one other client besides myself, and that client suddenly stopped going without any sort of closure), so I think she did quite well with everything. It sounds like your T has had more experience with these sort of feelings, that you do trust him to help you work through this, and from what you've said above, I really don't think he would refer you. Good luck. <3

Just a few hours to go until therapy and I'm feeling pretty anxious. I've been thinking I know I can't get the words out today, but that I would try to lay the groundwork for send him an email over the weekend. I think the idea of talking about talking about it could work. I'm pretty sure if I just say there's something I need to talk about but I feel too embarrassed then he'll know what I'm trying to say. I'm going to make that my goal for today. To tell him that there's something I need to talk to him about but I'm too embarrassed.

Yes, I'm sure that he might have an idea of what you're going to say. But that's good, because then he can help you along with the rest of it. I know it's scary (my heart was beating so fast and I pinched myself to check that this was actually real life), but I believe in you and I know that you can do this. Just telling him that there's something you need to talk about is a great start.

It really has been tearing me up inside, but I'm so ashamed, because I'm married with kids so I feel even worse about having feelings for another man. I think I'm going to say something like: "I've been feeling frustrated lately because there are things that I want to talk to you about but I just can't get the words out because I'm too embarrassed and ashamed."

We should never be ashamed of our feelings; powerful feelings come up between people; it doesn't mean you have to act on them, but talking about it is usually helpful. Feelings arent right or wrong, they simply....are.

OK just got back from therapy. I was hoping to just lay the groundwork to tell him about my feelings for him, but I actually almost got the words out and told him today-ALMOST. I told him that there are things that I haven't been able to talk about in therapy because I feel too embarrassed and ashamed, and I told him I think it's getting in the way of me getting better. He clearly knew exactly what I was getting at and tried to help me. He said: "I'm wondering if there might be some things about our relationship and the work we're doing that might be hard for you to talk about too." I said that there were. Sounds like he's totally ready and able to deal with my feelings. I told him that I still wasn't ready to talk about them today--that the words weren't coming out today, but that I would keep trying.

Now I have five days until my next session. It's my goal to actually talk about the feelings then. I think it could be a breakthrough for me. Just talking about talking about them helped some and brought out some pretty big insights about how my mom discouraged me from talking about them (or even having 'unacceptable' feelings like sadness). I think if I were to tell my T about my feelings for him openly I could finally be on the way to truly feeling better.

Yayyy! I'm so proud of you, and you should be so proud of yourself. This is awesome. From what you've said so far, your T sounds like a great fellow. I think it's good that your feelings for him have helped bring you other insights, too. That's been true for me as well... my feelings for Cat have made me realize a couple interesting things about how I relate to girls and how I view myself around them.

I hope that you'll update us after your next session, and seriously, well done, you!

Thanks for "getting" what a big deal this was for me to get this far Deer Heart! I really really REALLY want to get out the actual words next session. I think it could be life changing for me. For almost three years now I have been in a terrible depression, and I had a very happy life before that. I could have a very happy life right now. I have a wonderful husband and children and a great job and lots of potential for great things in the future, but this depression has decimated me. I so badly want to get back to the person that I used to be. I had a lot of joy.

My transference started a few months after I started seeing my therapist two and a half years ago. He was going on vacation and I was still new to the therapy and in a very bad place and having suicidal feelings. I said goodbye to him for his vacation week and left the office, and then he called me back inside, closed the door and said: "I just want to make sure that you're really going to be OK." I think he was worried that I might attempt suicide. I told him that I would that I appreciated that he had referred me to see his intern during his absence and that that had made me feel safe and that I would be OK. Then I got in my car and just sat there for like 30 minutes just staring into space in a total daze.

Then, for the next five days, I had the most intense rush of sexual feelings I've ever had in my life. It was like an extended orgasm that didn't stop for days--like my body actually physically reacted to the experience. I'll avoid sharing the graphic details, but I will say that my husband and I had the best sex of our entire marriage that week, so it seems like an extremely important thing for me to talk about.

Now, I just want to spend the next few days figuring out exactly what I want to say to my T. I don't think I can bring up the sexual feelings at ALL. If I could just tell him about the romantic feelings in general that would be huge, and would probably give me plenty to work on in therapy for a very long time.

Yikes. Right at this very moment as I write this I'm mortified.

Thanks very much for listening.

Great job!! And as they say, it gets better.

Now Tuesday can't come soon enough. I wonder how my life will be different once I've unburdened myself from this weight I've been carrying around for two years.

I hope he can manage it skillfully. Calling you back into his office two years ago, after he had already given you his interns contact info, was a dumb move on his part. It started the fantasy. It wasnt a session with a beginning and an end. It was unethical bull.

Unaluna-Ugh. That's what another therapist I went to see said about it--that calling me back into the office made me feel like I was "special" and set off the wild fantasy. The other therapist said I need to dump the guy I have the transference with immediately because it's getting in the way of me getting better.

It is SO hard because I don't want to let him go! I'm just living in a constant countdown to my next session because I just want to be with him. The next session is going to be really intense. I'm pretty nervous about it.

Well, i think transference can be useful in therapy. I certainly found it useful. Painful, embarrassing, a turn-on, lots of different things - but we worked through it. I always felt safe with him and just spoke up if i had a question.

Whether I stay with him or not, it seems like my therapy is about to change in a big way. I'm REALLY nervous about it. The thing is, this nervousness feels a whole lot better than the depression I've been feeling for YEARS now. As much as part of me doesn't want to expose myself to the embarrassment of revealing my transference, I'm already feeling less "stuck" and less depressed because I know I'm going to talk about this in three days.

I really appreciate the feedback from everyone who's weighed in on this and could probably use a little more help. Now, I'm working on planning exactly what I want to say at my session. I'm not sure if it'll all come out exactly as planned, but I want to be as prepared as possible.

The most important piece to get out, I think, is that I have romantic, loving feelings towards him. Getting that piece out would be a huge accomplishment. Oh man, I'm super embarrassed even writing it down here. But I know I have to get it out. I feel like I've lost so much time and happiness by stifling my feelings inside.

Ramona,
I can relate. Have had an exploitative relationship with PDocs before...which didn't end well at all. It made me all the more worried how my current t would feel about me...and how I would feel about her. I held on to this concern for two years. When we were talking about our relationship I finally verbalized MY boundary for her. She was sad that I had been worried about it.

It felt so good getting that fear spoken out loud. She handled it very well..and continues to be thoughtful, understanding and caring.

Good luck with your T. If he is a good T, he has been trained to deal with these issues and to help you deal with them, too.

Thanks for responding. I wish I could figure out what I'm even so worried about! He's a kind person and I know he'd never want me to feel humiliated or embarrassed. I'm also 99% sure he knows I feel this way and has been trying to lead me to talk about my feelings openly for some time.

It's like I'm terrified of being "rejected" by him, but I know that I'm in a situation where he actually LEGALLY MUST "reject" me because having any sort of relationship or sexual contact at all would be unethical. I guess I'm terrified about expressing my feelings because I know that he HAS to reject me in a sense, and rejection from men has been an extremely painful issue in my life.

Well, tomorrow is the day. I hope I can do this. I believe that the more I get out, the better I will feel. I had a couple of really good days this week just thinking about how it would feel to tell him. Fingers crossed.

Sorry to be posting SO much here. Just preparing for tomorrow and I want to write down all the things I'd ideally say if I could get it all out. All this stuff definitely isn't coming out tomorrow, but I'd like to get out as much of it as possible.
1. I have very strong loving feelings towards you.
2. I think about you all the time. I talk to you in my head all day long as a way to keep you with me.
3. I've felt this way for two years--since that day you called me back into your office after our session to make sure I was going to be safe while you were on vacation.
4. I have sexual dreams about you.
5. I think about you when I orgasm.
6. Just talking about talking about these feelings with you last week opened up a lot for me. I actually had a couple of good days in a row when I could just feel emotions flowing through me--not all stopped up and stifled and choking me to death.
7. I totally Facebook stalked you and found your wife's page and saw video of you with your family.
8. I'm deeply embarrassed about all of the things I've just told you.

PLEASE HELP!

Hi Ramona! So I'm a bit sick at the moment and I'm not sure how well my thoughts are flowing... but I wanted to respond to your posts and wish you lots of luck for tomorrow!

About your therapist calling you back into the room... I understand why some people are worrying about it being a questionable decision, but based on what you've said thus far, I don't think that your T necessarily thought it through all the way or meant any harm. I feel like if he was really worrying about you being suicidal and he wanted to show you that someone cared, it makes sense that he would take the situation very seriously (and call you back in for a few last words). It might have been ideal for him to express his concern at the end of your session instead of calling you back in, but I don't think that situation alone (especially with everything else that you've said) makes him a bad T or signifies that he had any malicious intent.

Did the other T that you saw literally say that you should "dump" your current T "immediately" because your feelings for him are getting in the way of therapy? If that therapist really used those words, I feel like that is quite harsh and I would wonder if maybe they were hoping you would start seeing them instead? I do feel like it's important to be honest with yourself and trust your intuition... and if you get to a place where you truly feel that it's best to stop seeing him and start seeing a different T, then you should do so. No matter what happens next, I think that you are doing a good and brave thing.

I also think that you're very, very brave to mention sexual dreams and especially thinking about him while you orgasm. If it were me, I would probably start out with the first 3 points, as well as number 6... and then see how you feel from there. Good luck!!! You've got this. <3

Also, don't worry about posting too much! This is your place.

Thanks for writing back Deer Heart. I SERIOUSLY doubt I'll be bringing up the sexual dreams or orgasms tomorrow! I think points 1-3 would give us enough to talk about for a LONG time and if I can get those out, I could feel a lot better.

Yes, the second therapist told me to dump the first therapist immediately. He thinks T1's treatment style is totally wrong for me and not helping me and that he screwed up by calling me back into the room that one time and then not helping me identify and work through the transference that followed it.

I think you're right that T1 really just called me back in because he was worried about my safety, but it definitely started a pretty intense transference which has been getting in the way of me being honest in our sessions. T1 is always saying that the panic attacks I have that feature choking and squeezing pains in my chest have to do with me stifling feelings that I'm afraid to express, but he's always said that it's unexpressed anger. I think THIS might actually be what's stuck--not anger.