Intense Attachment or Transference Reaction?

I've been reading the posts of many people re: painful transference due to deep feelings for a therapist and a less than optimal resolution. (Please forgive me for not writing down the OP's name.) Taken the OP's story and others' responses, I've become a bit confused. First, I don't intend to derail the original post. The reason I'm posting is because I'm going through brutally painful emotions re: my T, but knowing what I know of attachment and erotic transference, I can't tell what the problem really is for me. It seems to me that knowing whether one is experiencing intense attachment or erotic transference is terribly important so that therapists can apply the most healing solution. Or are the two so close, it's sometimes hard to tell?

I have abandonment issues. My T and I have gone through difficult therapy sessions trying to understand what happened to me for me to become so self-destructive during T's first (and subsequent) absences. T has addressed my strong reactions and feelings as intense attachment. I agree that I'm terribly attached. The catch is that I'm currently trying to discern if I'm also going through erotic transference. I crash and burn if I know T will be out of town on a weekend (no missed appts.), I want to know what T is doing in the evenings, etc. But I'm not at all certain that I have erotic feelings for my T. I am solidly grounded in the knowledge that we have a business arrangement and nothing of a romantic nature is going to happen; T is quite aware that I know this.

On the other hand, I think only periodically that I would like to be a part of T's personal life...be held by T. But not any sexual fantasies - or none that I've allowed to enter my consciousness. I've avoided talking about a relationship in my past that needs attention, but I haven't wanted to take the chance it would lead to ET.

For those of you who have gone through ET, how do you really KNOW it's ET and not intense attachment? I'm uncomfortable w/T in sessions now, because I don't know why I react so intensely to where T is outside of our appts. I've had to begin taking medications to manage my anxiety and depression, which has become so painful that I've thought the only choice I have is to stop therapy. I won't do that, though, because I think T will get me through whatever is happening and I would rather that than leave feeling like this. And the T will never bring up the subject of ET, so I feel stuck.

I feel like for it to be ET, there needs to be some sort of romantic and/or sexual feelings. There's also maternal/paternal transference, which could include the desire to be held (like a child would be) and cared for. So maybe it's something like that for you? You can also have both attachment and transference.

I've had both erotic and paternal transference for my marriage counselor (sometimes both at the same time, which is...weird and rather confusing, but not that uncommon, from what I've read), as well as intense attachment. I think right now it's mostly intense attachment, with a bit of each kind of transference floating in from time to time depending on what's happening in my life. (He said it's common to have these feelings recur, too.)

I think talking about the past relationship might help you, and I don't know that it would lead to ET. Maybe talk to your T about these fears?

Transference is feelings which originate in or replay relationships from earlier in life, so if you are attached, the two are almost certainty intertwined. (ET is more easily identifiable as sexual feelings, so it doesn't sound like that's what you are experiencing here)
I think sometimes we can tie ourselves in knots trying to work out whether we're experiencing transference or attachment or what. Essentially the label isn't as important as you might think and simply exploring the feelings as they arise and allowing them space to emerge will probably be enough.
I don't think a label will vastly impact on your T's interventions. Most competent Ts will respond to these feelings with warm acceptance and allow you to explore them at your own pace.

Sometimes feelings are just simply.....feelings. There is the Freudian transference, where someone reminds us of someone else. Transference is present in a lot of relationships with others.

Erotic transference is sexual/romantic in nature. Sounds more like you might be dealing with paternal transference mixed with insecure attachment issues. You mention t will not bring up the subject of ET (which it doesn't sound like you have). Are you able to bring up the subject of transference and attachment? You might find relief in doing so.

I agree that it can bring you a sense of relief in getting it out there. I feel like it was sort of blocking the therapy (in my case, marriage counseling), like the elephant in the room, until I managed to talk to my marriage counselor about it (talked to my individual T about it first, but I was in kind of a unique situation).

Have you considered whether therapy is part of the the problem? It's the elephant in the room. Therapists typically don't look at this, instead they will leap to the most speculative and convoluted theories about how you are projecting material/paternal longings, etc. Maybe, but for me it made sense to look at the obvious first -- I was suffering because of therapy specifically -- and this provided a bit of relief.

The principle of Occam's Razor says "among competing hypotheses, the one with the fewest assumptions should be selected."

Erotic transference has an element of attraction/sexual feelings. And the word transference tends to be misused a lot of the time (often by therapists, I think). Transference is the transfer of feelings about one person onto another (I,e. you're attracted to your T because they remind you of someone from your past that you were involved with, not because you actually find them physically attractive). What some call ET can simply be real attraction with the addition of an intimate setting, undivided attention and acceptance. Since this doesn't sound like what you're experiencing I'd say attachment is more likely. What it's called doesn't really matter so much as how it's addressed so no harm is done.