[TeaVicar?]

1st session back tomorrow morning and I'm in a complete state. The holidays have been bad and I am seriously questioning what benefits my therapy has been bringing me. For a while now it seems to be bringing me nothing but suffering and heart ache. I don't even know how on earth I'm going to bring this up with him tomorrow. I feel sick at the thought. My ET has been going on for years now and I think I'm reaching my limit for suffering... I just don't think I can leave.

[lucozader]

I hope your session is okay tomorrow. I'll think of you.

[DP_2017]

I don't have ET but I have strong attachment and I can relate to the heartache etc...I often wonder why I ever bothered, it seems to be causing me more stress than I had before but I am also so attached, I don't want to quit.

Good luck with your session

[TeaVicar?]

Thanks both. DP I feel exactly the same, I just don't know how to untangle myself from all of this

[TeaVicar?]

It was ok. I cried and managed to talk through how I was feeling. He was kind and containing and looked so f_%k-ing good. It was so good to see him again. So all thoughts of leaving have been replaced by thoughts of how I might actually seduce him *sigh* and my super high anxiety has been replaced by high levels of arousal. And here I am again. at least some of the feelings are nice again, for the moment.

I would love to hear from people who have actually worked through ET, I fear those people might be few and far between.

[lucozader]

Ah. That sounds... familiar.

I'm glad you're okay. Not glad that you're stuck on this ridiculous roller-coaster with me though!

[TeaVicar?]

Thanks Luc. Are you taking a break from yours and seeing someone else? I keep thinking that it might be good to get a different perspective.

[lucozader]

That was my plan. I haven't managed it yet though... Couldn't bear to be away from him, even for a break. I still might do it at some point though?

[Swimmersusan]

I'm pretty sure I'm on the same rollercoaster as you guys, so I offer no advice because if I knew how to deal I would.
Too attached to stay and work through what I came to do, too attached to leave...

[TeaVicar?]

it is a rollercoaster and I'm not very keen on those. Time to get off maybe?! I'm so anxious today, I've drunk too much tea and feel sick.

[lucozader]

Saaaaame heeeeere, argh!

[Shazerac]

hang in there

[VanessaBett]

Originally Posted by TeaVicar?

It was ok. I cried and managed to talk through how I was feeling. He was kind and containing and looked so f_%k-ing good. It was so good to see him again. So all thoughts of leaving have been replaced by thoughts of how I might actually seduce him *sigh* and my super high anxiety has been replaced by high levels of arousal. And here I am again. at least some of the feelings are nice again, for the moment.

I would love to hear from people who have actually worked through ET, I fear those people might be few and far between.

S**t, we are twins.
It's either anxiety or arousal.

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by TeaVicar?

I would love to hear from people who have actually worked through ET, I fear those people might be few and far between.

I'd be surprised if you can find more than a few people not crippled by the experience.

I had write a transference for my attachment therapist. It was very uncomfortable to tell her. She was holding me and did not want to let me go until I could get it out what I had to say. She did not want to break the embrace because she felt that I would feel rejected once I told her about the ET. We processed my feelings about my erotic transference for her and then she let me down gently.

I was not crippled by the experience at all. In fact it felt freeing once we talked about it. She reminded me she was responsible for holding the boundary. Nothing, such as touch, was taken away from me because of my admission of ET. I also believe that ET became an issue because of my reading it on this forum and assumed that that was a part of therapy at some point. That could also have been the reason why it went away so quickly.

[TeaVicar?]

Today's session was awful. I don't think I can gather my thoughts enough at the moment to document exactly what was said but I am going to write my sessions down from now on because I'm seriously concerned that they are causing me more harm than good. I've been sick all day, pretty much as a result and need to go to bed to get some rest.

I can only think that he must have been having a bad day or have something else going on. He was the opposite of how he was last week. No warmth or care. He seemed very disengaged with what I was saying. I tried to bring him in a few times but nothing. I spoke about some very difficult subjects (SI & sui thoughts), which he interpreted as me being angry, he actually seemed pretty cold about it. Afterwards I was in a complete state, though I did manage to get in touch with the anger and rage I feel for him.

I don't think the alliance is working very well. He used to seem much more flexible in his thinking but now (and for a while) seems very dogmatic and rigid, to the point where I ask him for help (literally) and he says nothing. What is most agonising is the inconsistency of care, one week he's nice, kind and warm the next he's emotionally cold. This connects back to my past experiences and he will often pick up on this but why am I having to deal with it again now? I wonder if the term 'countertransference' is simply a green light for T's to be s*it?!

My plan is to document the next few sessions, with a view to ending if it continues the way it has. I think we may be struggling with differences that are never going to be resolved.

[TeaVicar?]

Today's session was awful. I don't think I can gather my thoughts enough at the moment to document exactly what was said but I am going to write my sessions down from now on because I'm seriously concerned that they are causing me more harm than good. I've been sick all day, pretty much as a result and need to go to bed to get some rest.

I can only think that he must have been having a bad day or have something else going on. He was the opposite of how he was last week. No warmth or care. He seemed very disengaged with what I was saying. I tried to bring him in a few times but nothing. I spoke about some very difficult subjects (SI & sui thoughts), which he interpreted as me being angry, he actually seemed pretty cold about it. Afterwards I was in a complete state, though I did manage to get in touch with the anger and rage I feel for him.

I don't think the alliance is working very well. He used to seem much more flexible in his thinking but now (and for a while) seems very dogmatic and rigid, to the point where I ask him for help (literally) and he says nothing. What is most agonising is the inconsistency of care, one week he's nice, kind and warm the next he's emotionally cold. This connects back to my past experiences and he will often pick up on this but why am I having to deal with it again now? I wonder if the term 'countertransference' is simply a green light for T's to be s*it?!

My plan is to document the next few sessions, with a view to ending if it continues the way it has. I think we may be struggling with differences that are never going to be resolved.

[lucozader]

So sorry you had such a bad session, Tea. It certainly sounds very familiar to me. I hope you'll be able to look after yourself this week.

It does sound like he might be struggling with countertransference. I don't see that as a green light for anything though. It's his responsibility to be working through it, in supervision and/or in his own therapy, to stop it from having an effect on his work with you... and he obviously isn't doing that properly.

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by TeaVicar?

I wonder if the term 'countertransference' is simply a green light for T's to be s*it?!

Countertransference is a manipulative and insidious construct. Even the therapist's own negligent or insane behavior is pinned on the client.

As for the rest of what you're describing, sounds like you are paying to have a dysfunctional relationship. I couldn't believe it when I realized that's what I'd been doing.

[TeaVicar?]

I think CT has it's place and can be useful but I think it can be used as an excuse for bad therapy. I find the contradiction maddening - on one hand a close relationship and partnership is encouraged but it's completely one sided. On the other, all problems are directed back at the patient as transference/CT, so where is the partnership in that?

People can have off days of course and my reaction was strong, however, the therapy itself has encouraged and fed my dependency and vulnerability, with the promise of a mostly good, containing, safe place to let go and heal. What I have is no where near this and I don't think it's just me and my lack of trust. I so badly want to trust him.

[TeaVicar?]

I think CT has it's place and can be useful but I think it can be used as an excuse for bad therapy. I find the contradiction maddening - on one hand a close relationship and partnership is encouraged but it's completely one sided. On the other, all problems are directed back at the patient as transference/CT, so where is the partnership in that?

People can have off days of course and my reaction was strong, however, the therapy itself has encouraged and fed my dependency and vulnerability, with the promise of a mostly good, containing, safe place to let go and heal. What I have is no where near this and I don't think it's just me and my lack of trust. I so badly want to trust him.