So it's been since probably end of last year that I developed a love transference towards my thearpist.
I did told him about it beginning of this year, it wasn't pleasant experience.
For example when I told him "It feels like I love you" there response was defencive and said to me "You don't know me". I didn't expect my thearpist to say "Oh I love you too" I just wanted to understand why but instead got that response.

Going forward to the present, the feelings slowly went away but now they came back again just after I found out my partner whom I been with for eight years, was on a sex chat website.
To be honsent I had no good role model of a male. My dad left when I was seven and my mother was in relationships with men that always ended with the man leaving and were highly angry individuals.
Now what my partner did just feels there is no man I can trust,accept for my thearpist. I have thoughts as in it's not fair I can't have my thearpist why do I get **** heads of men.

Anyway what got to me was , I told someone about this and asked why did my love transference came up again? They said "Likely because you stopped bringing it up and the Dr. was too relieved to be done with it."
when I read this, it hurt me and I thought could this be possible? Or could it be that what my partner did some how made the love transference come back again?
I even had a sexual dream about my thearpist again crying out loud .

Can someone tell me what's going on?

My guess is because the transference was never resolved..what your partner did triggered the transference that was still there under the surface.

Your ts response was not helpful. Transference is real.

[magicalprince]

Seems like you might be having some abandonment feelings about men. With what happened with your dad, then your partner's cheating, then now perhaps it feels that your therapist is the only man who is present for you, and that brought up your transference again.

Originally Posted by magicalprince

Seems like you might be having some abandonment feelings about men. With what happened with your dad, then your partner's cheating, then now perhaps it feels that your therapist is the only man who is present for you, and that brought up your transference again.

You know what you probably hit it right there.
I know I have abandoned issues, but the thought never
Come.to mind that abandonment feelings towards men.

The only man present for me?

[Spangle]

Originally Posted by TeaFruit

You know what you probably hit it right there.
I know I have abandoned issues, but the thought never
Come.to mind that abandonment feelings towards men.

The only man present for me?

I think what Teafruit is saying is that with your dad being absent, your husband focussing on sex websites, You therapist is the only man you have in your life, who is focussing on you in a positive way.

[magicalprince]

Originally Posted by TeaFruit

You know what you probably hit it right there.

I know I have abandoned issues, but the thought never

Come.to mind that abandonment feelings towards men.


The only man present for me?

I guess I mean, it's like he's the only man that is in your life on your own terms. When people have abandonment fears it can feel like they will have to compromise their own wants and needs or boundaries, in order to keep others involved in their life. But then, the reason that T would feel different is because of the sense that he is there for you, while not treating you badly or betraying your trust in the way the men in your life may have done.

Originally Posted by Spangle

I think what Teafruit is saying is that with your dad being absent, your husband focussing on sex websites, You therapist is the only man you have in your life, who is focussing on you in a positive way.

Well yeah , I guess that makes sense why I would develop these feelings again.
My partner we are not married by the way, he stopped looking at the sex websites. But yeah the only man is my thearpist that looks at me positive way.

Originally Posted by magicalprince

I guess I mean, it's like he's the only man that is in your life on your own terms. When people have abandonment fears it can feel like they will have to compromise their own wants and needs or boundaries, in order to keep others involved in their life. But then, the reason that T would feel different is because of the sense that he is there for you, while not treating you badly or betraying your trust in the way the men in your life may have done.

That is so TRUE! I've always felt I had to compromise my own wants and needs and boundaries so I wouldn't have to lose my partner. I had to put up with his mum seriously being horrible to me and his family and that it was my fault and it was all in my head.
I recalled once I went over there because at that time his parents were working overseas and the father was kind to buy me a plane ticket to go over there. But gosh! It was a nightmare with his mum!
I was so anxious I lost huge amount of weight, I use to cry in the shower because that was only private place I could cry.

Thank you for saying that, that is a huge insightful for me.

[magicalprince]

Originally Posted by TeaFruit

That is so TRUE! I've always felt I had to compromise my own wants and needs and boundaries so I wouldn't have to lose my partner. I had to put up with his mum seriously being horrible to me and his family and that it was my fault and it was all in my head.

I recalled once I went over there because at that time his parents were working overseas and the father was kind to buy me a plane ticket to go over there. But gosh! It was a nightmare with his mum!

I was so anxious I lost huge amount of weight, I use to cry in the shower because that was only private place I could cry.


Thank you for saying that, that is a huge insightful for me.

Awesome. I'm happy to hear that it was helpful. The crying in the shower really made me envision how little space you are feeling in your relationships with men. You definitely need and deserve more space.

[BudFox]

Seems to me the less outside support you have, the more likely you will become dependent on the therapist, and the more dependent you become the more likely you will idealize them and have rescue and love fantasies. I don't think there is anything to be gained by referring to it as transference and nothing magical happening. Isn't it just basic needs manifesting?

[Moment]

I agree with what others have written here. I think given what you've described your feelings are totally understandable and normal. And almost inevitable, in fact.

The thing would be to work with your therapist to figure out how you can get the support and caring you need outside of therapy without feeling like you have to put up with things that compromise yourself.

Your feelings towards your therapist are pointing you to what you need. Not what you need from your therapist, but what you need from life. You might be able to get it from the people in your life by standing up for yourself and making new demands on them that they meet your needs. Or, if they are unwilling or unable to do so, maybe there needs to be new people.

I don't think your therapist's response to your disclosure that you felt love towards him ("you don't even know me") was super helpful. The truth is that many therapists are freaked out by expressions of romantic or sexual feelings and don't handle them very well. It might have been better if he'd said something like, "Thank you. Why do you think you feel this towards me now? What allows you to feel this way?"

You can always bring up the topic in therapy again. Just say, "Hey, I know this makes you super uncomfortable, but I am having these feelings and want to talk to you about what they mean." Otherwise, if you can't talk about this in therapy, your therapist becomes one more guy with whom you feel you have to stifle your true self in order to get caring. You can even tell him, if you feel this way, that he handled your disclosure of transference badly. Being honest like this is excruciating but maybe it would be good practice for being honest in other relationships as well.