[goodgirl62]

How can I find a way to forgive someone that has hurt me so bad...my mother of all things. I have not talked to her in 2 years. I have prayed about this but I am still can't forgive and she hasn't said she is sorry either.

[Xeneon]

My suggestion is to talk to your mother about how you feel tords her. If she gets hot or doesn't want listen to you, then tell her when she ready to have a relationship with you,to call you. The question is if you can forgive her, the answer is yes but its more of the question is WILL you forgive her. I was in your position once too, but it wasn't my mom it was my sister. I hated hering her voice,her name and anything about her life. It took me about 2 years to get me to acturally talk to her. I came to the realization that I had to decided if i wanted to live with all this hate,anger and disappointment. So I forgave her and it releaved me of alot of anger. My suggestion is don't forgive her for anyone else besides you. I wish you the best of luck.

[lynn P.]

((goodgirl62)) - I'm sorry you're struggling with this. There's a few ways of looking at this. I'm not sure what kind of hurt you're talking about, so I can't assume this is a forgivable act that's been done to you. Sometimes the wrong is so great that an adult child has to alienate their parents to preserve their own mental health. A person should be 100% certain they 'll be okay if that person were to die - meaning would you regret not making peace.

I'll give my opinion on general forgiveness. First - a person can forgive the other even if they haven't said sorry. For example with abuse situations the perpetrator often never gets around to saying sorry.

A person can make the decision to forgive, for their own sake so they can feel an inner peace. Forgiveness in this case done mean condoning what was done. This is good so you can finally let go of the wrong doing, so you no longer have to seethe about it. I can't judge what you should do because I don't know what happened.

It might be helpful if you can look at your mom as a person, rather than your parent - meaning she may have gone through some severe problems of her own that made her the person she is. I hope this gives you something to ponder and I wish you peace with this problem.

[madisgram]

one suggestion that was given to me re my mom..."she did the best she could do with what she had." now i know that's not easy to do or accept. i slide back sometimes but it did help me see her as a person, not just as my mom.
when i became a mom everything i didn't like about my mother i excluded when i was raising my son. so it turned out on the positive cause i was aware what hurt/troubled me growing up with my mom. i wanted more for my son.

[SunnyD]

And with my mother it was agreeing to disagree..this was about my spiritual choices. We were cordial but never quite the same.
She said that she never wanted there to be a time we couldn't talk to each other.
Not exactly what I wanted but I forgave her..nothing else for me to do.

[SeptemberMorn]

As long as you don't forgive it's as if you are carrying that person tied to your back... dead weight.

To forgive is not to forget. It's to not hold a grudge or dwell on the person and the wrong done. But you have every right to stop communication with that person in order to keep yourself safe.

Ask for forgiveness for yourself even if you know you haven't done anything wrong.

Blessings

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((( goodgirl62 ))))))))))))))

[notablackbarbie]

here's another
And thanks for all the responses above too. I can relate to the lingering pain and frustration. I also applaud you for trying - by praying about it.
A part of me encourages you to keep on trying. Yet the rest of me is just ashamed for even commenting here. Im a hypocrite and just cant... Sorry. *offers shoulder to lean on*

Hi Goodgirl!

The way I found to be able to forgive my abuser and rapist was to pray for God to use them for His good. If I imagine God using them for His good then it is better for me because they will no longer be bad men. That's the only way I can find to pray for them.

Hope it helps,
Love and hugs,
Tara

[(JD)]

There is some evidence that when one forgives it clears up an area of the brain...that which is around the pineal gland...that allows for a clearer connection spiritually... and of course, the pineal gland is linked to what some call the "soul" that when the body's weight is scientifically measured in the tiniest increments, they found that when people die, they become lighter immediately, ...such as the soul leaving the body. So that area of the brain, affected by forgiveness/unforgiveness is connected to the spiritual realm somehow... so why not forgive?

You don't have to give them any excuses when you forgive, they can still be horrible, mean, evil people...it's just that YOU are rising to a higher plane than they, and forgiving.

[whitneyman]

In My spiritual beleif it is like septembermom said, ( we have to forgive are self's first ) we have to forgive are self's first because of the feeling's we have over the situation what ever it is.

[(JD)]

"Forgiveness is unlocking the door to set someone free and realizing you were the prisoner!"
— Max Lucado

[sadmum]

I have a lot of difficulty understanding forgiveness. Here's why. I'm always willing to forgive and forget and I do almost entirely forget, I start a new clean chapter. With my sister, she'll do something really nasty, like steal from me, then act as if I've done something wrong to her and not speak to me for years. Then we bump into each in the street and she'll say how much she missed me and loves me. I don't raise the past issues because it will start a fight. So we get together, she's over the top nice for a while, then she does something nasty again, acts as if it's me and doesn't talk to me for years.
My daughter is now showing similar patterns of behaviour, does some really unkind and uncaring things, says things that hurt me deeply and if I confront her on it, she'll say 'she doesn't remember', or why am I making a drama about it, so I don't confront it any more, I let it go and carry on as if everything's the same.
So here's my conundrum. If I forgive, people think they can continue to hurt me and I'm more or less gagged, because if I say anything about them hurting me, it starts another argument and they don't seem to understand or care that they hurt me.
Now, when it comes to 'forgive' but 'don't forget' the problem with that is, if I don't forget, I get angry and don't want anything to do with either of them.
How do you forgive, but at the same time protect yourself from further hurt and, what do you do if the person hurting you is not interested in discussing it and turns it around on to you?

[Open Eyes]

Thank you sadmum, yes, thank you, happens to me too. I have done the forgive process over and over, and I know exactly what you mean. It does often give others and excuse to dump more on my, or actually permission.

Now for example, even my husband, well I had a lot to forgive, but he still dumps.

I understand the daughter thing too. I have a friend and I forgive, but she doesn't and she clearly has hurt me and refuses to even acknowledge it.

Even my neighbor, well I tried to forgive his tresspassing in the past. Well, I paid an ultimate price for that. I tried to forgive and build on that, wish I never had.

So, I know exactly what you mean. Now somewhere here is this word called BOUNDARIES. Well, I have tried to set them, they are constantly broken. I was told by a friend to just walk away from bad behavior, I replied, I have tried that, and people just follow me. My friend didn't believe me and one night she really hurt me verbally and I didn't deserve it, so I walked away and went to my car. She followed me and verbally abused me more. I drove home severly triggered, this was supposed to be my friend. I have been a supportive person to her and that is what she wanted, me to give, give, give. I really miss her, its pretty sad, I tried to call her yesterday and it took less than 30 seconds for her to tear me down. So, if I say I forgive her, whats that going to mean, I have done that, but that doesn't work, I dont know. I have even tried to say, I forgive you but your behavior upsets me, please don't do it, it doesn't work.

And when that happens I am supposed to forgive? Ok, it lifts a spiritual weight, I can understand that concept, but I have yet to have any length of time to appreciate that weight being lifted, I get it again.

I have looked for every way possible to forgive in my life, and I have really been stepped on in so many ways. Yet I still try to lift that weight. And to be honest, I am in hiding, can't take anymore. One can only be just so forgiving you know?
And that boundary thing? I have been broken down to a lot sign making because people dont understand what that word means, no matter what I seem to do.

Yes, I hear you. And I clearly don't have the answer. I have set up boundaries legally now and thats not enough. I have no tresspassing signs torn down and someone who comes and tears down my projects that he doesn't like, and even when BOUNDARIES ARE CEMENTED IN THE GROUND WITH FLAGS. And I have signs all over, it doesn't work.

So, I don't know what to say here. I sure would like to lift that weight. But it isn't working.

Open Eyes

[Open Eyes]

Ok, two of us have been hanging out here and lots of people read this. Any suggestions? Oh you can even add that you feel that way too.
Open

When someone you care about hurts you, you can hold on to anger, resentment and thoughts of revenge — or embrace forgiveness and move forward.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/for...1/METHOD=print
http://www.uthealthleader.org/archiv...ages-0527.html
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...forgive-others

Forgiveness is a process, goodgirl62. I hope you choose to forgive. Good luck.

[(JD)]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Ok, two of us have been hanging out here and lots of people read this. Any suggestions? Oh you can even add that you feel that way too.
Open

The site does not allow discussion of faith here in this forum, and I cannot offer anything more of substance without referring to the way I believe. I have copied the original question, if that's ok, in the forum where I can offer you helps... http://forums.psychcentral.com/showt...34#post1872534

I hope this is ok with you, and can help those who need more support on this topic.

[MFerrante]

I have a similar situation with my father. First thing i realized is that i dont have to forgive him for the things hes done. On the other hand it was hurting me to hold on to the resentment. I have eventually forgivin him although we still do not speak to this day. I had to accept the person he is understand where he came from, further understand some of his personality disorders, and his drinking problem. What i tell my self is that i would not be here if it were not for him and I respect him as my father. For me it's all about accepting people for what they are and when we forgive and let go of the past (wich can take even a lot longer than 2 years!) we can move forward.

[abqwho]

Originally Posted by goodgirl62

How can I find a way to forgive someone that has hurt me so bad...my mother of all things. I have not talked to her in 2 years. I have prayed about this but I am still can't forgive and she hasn't said she is sorry either.

Hi, I havent talked to my father for two years and fathers day is coming up. I think that maybe choosing a special day to focus healing thoughts might help both him and me

[sadmum]

Originally Posted by MFerrante

I had to accept the person he is.

Your response makes a lot of sense. We can't change anyone, they are who they are.

The difficulty for me is, that this is a new daughter I've encountered. It's frightening to me to meet this new side after 28 years of living closely together, I never ever, imagined she could be so unkind and nasty, I'd never seen that in her before. It's unsettling to think I never really knew her! and that there's no clear reason for this change, but, apparently this is who she is now and I do have to accept that I can't change the new persona, it only causes more grief, but sadly I've totally lost trust in her and that hurts me.

But I won't tolerate being mistreated again, I will speak up if it's a minor incident and if it's a major incident that she denies, I'll walk, because I won't permit anyone to hurt me so bad that I lose my confidence, trust and sense of dignity and no child is entitled to the love and support of their parent if they are trying to tear them down, and unfortunately most children believe they should be loved 'unconditionally' by their parents, regardless of their behaviour towards them.

I try not to think or dwell on it too much and get on with building supportive friendships which are far more important to me as I age, because they are the people who will be there for me, not my daughter.

I have forgiven her, but I haven't forgotten and I don't expect the usual care and loyalty that I used to expect, because she doesn't have that and I can't be dissappointed but it's sad that we don't have the rich relationship of extended family, such is life huh.