[Laverne]

I was brought up in a home where the only time I really recall hearing God's Name was in vain.
However even as a small child I never had any doubt as to there being a higher power whom I call God.
Through out the many yrs of my life there have been times when my faith is all that has gotten me through .
I have never had what I would guess you would call formal training in any relgious demomination, though I have always believed myself to be a spiritual person.
There have been many times that I have felt closer to God then others.
My problem now is that I can not seem to find my way back to God it's as if there is this big void in my life and try as I might I can't find my way home and it's been this way for to long.
I have never been a church goer and never felt I had to be to be close to God, but I have even tried going to a local non-denominatonal church and that isn't helping, it seems that when I pray I just feel as if I'm saying the words.
i have been reading through the site here and am so ggrateful I have found you all.
PLease if anyone has any suggestions, I'm here and I'm listening..
Laverene

[nothemama8]

welcome, just keep reading and the folks here are very sincere

[mlyn]

Hello and Welcome! Those long (what I call) dry seasons are very hard atleast for me. I do not know if others experiance them too but I do. I've attended church, gotten involved, prayed,read bible, etc.. and those seasons still come. I've learned going through them. Just because I may feel that God is not close or listening does not mean that he is not there. I've learned that some times I just need to stay still be it with my feet, mind and/or mouth and need to listen. So many lessons have come from those times. As much as I do not like them they still come and it is not easy but easier than the first time. You are deffinately not alone.
It is written that God will not leave or forsake us.
Always Remember God Loves You! Hang in there! Keep the Faith!
mlyn

[kimmydawn]

Hi Laverne and welcome!

I so understand what you're talking about. I've been there, more than a few times.

I'll never forget once talking with our local pastor and realizing that I'd been doing some heavy blaming for some issues that had occurred. I didn't understand...still don't.

I was raised to believe it a sin to question, or show any distaste, upset, anything negative in prayer/communication.

I related that to the pastor when he suggested screaming it out, getting it out, having it out.

He went on to explain that it's OK to question. Alot of times we find the only explanation we can have on this earth by doing that. He was so right.

My anger had built a big wall. When I was able to get the "yuck" out, I was able to view things around me differently. I had to make a conscious decision to do that, though. Boy, was it hard because there had been so much yuck and it seemed that's all I could see!

For instance, instead of looking out and seeing just another dreary, cloudy day, I could see the sun peeking through and that was my focus as opposed to the cold clouds. I literally went looking for what I call blessings in my life. When I did, I found it...literally everywhere from the health of my children to the lily's blooming in my front yard.

Went I went in a search for my personal blessings to try to find the closeness again, I found them almost everywhere around me. I pointed them out to myself and gave thanks. That's when they began to shine on their own to me. It wasn't a struggle anymore. It was a double gift to myself as well, because as I did this the situational depression that had enveloped me began to diminish.

I think what I've stated here could apply to most beliefs; no matter the higher power, or influence, in our lives.

I wish you well and so understand the place that you're in. I wish you peace soon with something I struggle with off and on as well. Right now, again, I'm having to force myself to look for blessings because they're not the first thing that I see even though they're there.

KD

[Laverne]

Thank you so much to all of you!!
I can't begin to even tell you how much each of your post means to me, it helps just knowing I'm not alone in what I'm feeling and going through.
Due to circumstances and living with CP among other illnesses I no longer have any friends and feel so very alone in most of what I'm dealing with.
It seems to be that loving God and being happy should be the easiest things in life to do and maybe for some it is, I'm just not among them.
I try very hard to focus on the good and the blessing in my life, those of which there are many, it's just this emptiness feeling inside that I have that I know is where God belongs I can't seem to fill.
Though I'm so sure that having found all of you here will be of great help.
Thank you all once again.
Laverne

[(JD)]

Welcome. I am currently in thought and study of my own to find some reasoning and connection to "faith" being stored in the brain...and thus affected by the chemical inbalances of depression, PTSD and the like.

I think, for me, it's easier to realize that something "just happened" when I had my head trauma etc...because prior to that I had a deep faith in God, and since...I have to "run" on head knowledge that HE is.

TC

[Laverne]

Sky thank you.
I understand what your saying about the trauma and chemical imbalances and such effecting what is stored in our brains.
I'd be interested in what you find out.
Laverene

[Hopefull]

Sometimes loving God and happiness is the hardest thing around. Having a relationship with God is like other relationships in that I sometimes want to scream at God, "Why me?" So, I can understand where you're coming from. Sometimes, our lifes' struggles seems to cloud God out for a time. I think some of the Psalms or Job can help you to remember that even "saints" have dry spells like the rest of us. I remember a time that I was afraid from a nightmare and cried out to God, "Where are You?" He didn't seem to be present or to even hear me. I suddenly remembered that Jesus is with us always. I still find at times that I have to trust that He is with me because I sure can't feel anything at all. I find that depression and feeling overwhelmed in life can interfere with my ability to feel close to God. But, I try to remember the times that He was there for me and hope for the future. At times, I just a need a little T induced sense of hope. Obviously this isn't always going to work because it is HARD to do for anyone no matter how faithful they are.

[Laverne]

Hopeful,
Your so right about everything.
I had a threapist tell me once when I was in a down spiral much like this one, though not as bad, that with all I have gone through in my life that I had many trust issues and that was what he thought to be my problem with God is I have such a hard time trusting!!
At the time it didn't make sense to me, now though I think I understand, even though I know there is a God and I have faith in him as God has seen me through many a bad time, it does boil down to trust though as trust is just something I don't have and is very hard for me to give.
I hope this makes sense as I just can't find the words these days to put together.
I have never been one to go to church. though I have tried going to a non-denominatianal church that has a huge following the thing with this and even when I try to pray, because of the meds I'm on I fall asleep if I'm still for any length of time, it's so embarassing, my son has to sit next to me and constantly wake me as I have even been snoring.
It's not that I'm bored I want to be there and I want to feel close to others that are close to God, it's just out of my power to stay awake...
Laverene