My family could use some healing thoughts and prayers please...

My ex-husband is dying. I don't think he will last much more than a week at this point. He is the father of my 2 children, daughters who are in their 30's.

He was and has been up until his latest hospitalization abusive to my girls and one grandson both verbally, emotionally and in one instance physically in trying to trip our grandson after they had a verbal argument. He has not been an easy individual to deal with since the beginning of our marriage.

My daughters have had issues all their lives over their father. I have tried to mitigate as much as I possibly can for them, but it was never enough and I probably should have done more than I did. I do regret that at times.

I'm asking for prayers and healing thoughts for my daughters and grandsons that they can get through this time as easily as possible. And I'm asking for the same for my ex, as I believe that he will be judged by the only entity who can judge for all eternity, God.

Thank you all for your generosity of spirit and compassion.

Sending loving thoughts and prayers your way.

I pray for your daughters & grandson, & I pray that God deals with your ex what He sees as justice to him.

If your ex is repentant now, perhaps you can all try to gather up with him, & make a healing gathering together, maybe he's gonna apologize & repent for you for everything. Maybe he's shy to do it without you opening up with him about he's done in the past.

I think with mutual apologies & forgiveness within an intimate gathering with him, would make him perhaps die in peace, & more importantly would make you feel much better after he leaves...

In all accounts, I pray that you all find peace & forgiveness together before he leaves this world finally...

I hope that even though your ex is filled with anger that in his final days a spark of remorse might prompt him to say "I am sorry." Even a little act of contrition can make the passing out of the body easier.
If you can possibly leave space for this, it could make this easier for you.
If not release the guilt and feelings of regret. Somehow you have been given this life situation and you can only do the best you can.
For your children and grandchildren, try to find pictures of fun times you all shared or tell stories of any positive experiences. In this way all of you can release the negativity that could entrap you if you obsess about it.
You and they are survivors.
There is another forum on grief and survivors of abuse here in PC.
http://forums.psychcentral.com/grief-loss
http://forums.psychcentral.com/survivors-abuse/

Our hearts are with you

how insightful and compassionate, CANDC... thank you for reminding me how to deal with my own family issues~

best wishes, Sabby~

this is sad news.. and a tough time for you

praying for all involved

Gus it was my hope that someone might be lifted up a little in this time of grief. I help onto my grief for the longest time and it weighed me down like a diver's belt. Finally one day a poem came to me entitled RELEASE THEM.
After that I started to drop the weights one by one and eventually surface after being under the waters of griefs for so long.

My heart reaches out to you Sabby and Gus and all those grieving.

Visited my ex in the hospice tonight. He's not doing well. He's not drinking or eating. He's not very coherent either. He mumbles a lot, calls out to his mom (she's already passed), but he is adamant about not wanting to be where he is. At least when he asked me where he was and I told him Hospice, he was completely animated when he said "I want OUT of here!".

Even though we couldn't hold a conversation, he did recognize me and I did see a tiny little spark of his old self when I said, "Hey, Bob, it's me, your BEST ex-wife!" I did get a little half grin and some eye contact from him, but that was about it.

I'm still praying for my daughters constantly to get them to tell their father what's on their minds. I feel this way, even if he doesn't seem all that coherent, I believe he can hear us and somewhere, somehow he will understand and he may just be able to say that he's sorry for hurting them. All I can do is hope and pray.

((((sabby and family))))

Just wanted you to know that my thoughts and prayers are being lifted up daily for all of you. We never know what God can do through our prayers and asking. He may not be very coherent, but as you said he did recognize you and had that old spark if even for a moment. I hope your daughters can have that time with him and that he does say he is sorry. But we never know what he can hear and even if he cannot manage to say "I'm sorry" out loud, he may say it within and I believe God can send a sense of peace to your daughters, grandchildren, and you.

I know you have said that you have already forgiven him, but know that you are also being thought of and prayed for during this time as I know this is also hard on you. Being his "best ex-wife," I want you to know that you being there and having been there for him over the years, is a testimony of your forgiveness and the power of prayer and God in your life. Your testimony can be powerful for your daughters that you may not even know or see right now.

I hope you know that we love you, stand by you, hold you up in thoughts and prayers, and care. Sending you and your family many gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps

Sabby that is wonderful that you are giving your daughters permission to say what is in their heart. That is a freedom that will help them deal with grief later on without regrets about "what I should have told him."

Just a piece of information from an intensive care unit staff, the hearing is the last thing to go. Even if he appears in a coma or unresponsive he will hear you. Let your daughters know too.

Thank you for sharing your process and keeping some kind of sense of humor about this challenging situation.

Thank you all very much for your wonderful positive thoughts and prayers for my family! Ya'll mean so much to me and I feel uplifted when someone takes the time to respond.

CANDC, thanks for the info on the hearing. I had assumed the hearing was the last to go as I have worked with the dying and one of my daughters has done that as well in the past. We were always telling family to talk to their loved ones no matter what as it can be heard and can bring peace to all of them. I will definitely remind daughters again.

As far as the humor goes, well, I find humor helps in dealing with the difficult things in life. My ex and I used to jab each other all the time, some of it was funny, lots of it was hurtful, but I'll stick with the funny now.

dps, thank you dear one for saying what you said. I really appreciate your thoughts on this whole thing. Since you are able to see it IRL, I'm sure you can see things that I don't see too. It's a huge help to me when that happens, so I thank you!

I know I am far from perfect and even in our marriage and raising the girls, I was not a perfect wife or mother. I had my share of issues during those times and there are things I wish I had done differently. I have apologized to my girls for what I did wrong and they have forgiven me. I don't think they really know how much I appreciate that forgiveness from them, even though I have told them in the past.

I pray that my actions and words will someday help them to understand life better. What I couldn't or didn't teach them as children is harder to teach as adults, but I will not stop teaching them and loving them and reaching out to them in difficult times. It's what a parent does when they love their children unconditionally.

Sabby, I really thought I would improve on how my parents raised me, but I found myself falling into the same patterns like they were hard wired in.
You can plant seeds in the children, but when they are grown it is time for them to tend their own garden, weed it, water it and plant and nurture the seeds that are nearest and dearest to their hearts.
If nothing else raising a child has taught me humility and self acceptance of my limitations and acknowledgements of my talents. I hope you can be at peace with the difficult task of raising children.

You are right CANDC.

I have been on a journey over the past couple of years to come to a place of peace and enlightenment about my children. In order to get to that place, one must face those times of inadequacy and such, which I have done and still continue to do.

Even though they are adults and must tend to themselves like you say, I believe that they can also see my journey through difficult times, how I've changed, how I've learned from my mistakes and how I've come to a peaceful place in my heart. One can hope that they will see it, and learn they can do it for themselves as well.

Thanks!!!

Sabby, yes we are all on a journey and it is always a hope that the example of our life will make a favorable impression on our near and dear ones.

I once hoped that my daughter might be the child I hoped for, but I have found more peace accepting her the way she is. And sometimes the one I hoped for in my child appears in another place I never imagined.

If you are interested, mindfulness does not seek to change you but open up a window so you can see your potential more fully.
Here is a link
Breathing: Three Exercises - Dr. Weil
The third exercise is my favorite
I only suggest it because for me it is a magnifying glass that gets beyond the minute petty worries of life to just sit with myself. It gives me a new perspective to start the day and end the day.

Thank you for sharing all you are going through. It is an inspiration.

(((((sabby)))))

Oh Sabby I've been there! Of course I'll keep you all in my prayers! Hugs!!

Hello. I am so sorry to read of the pain caused to your daughters and grandons and you. Prayers said and light sent to you all. And to your ex.

((((sabby))))

Just thinking of you and your family. Continuing to keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

dps

The ex passed on Monday, the 24th.

My youngest daughter, who seems to have had the most difficulty with her father and I visited with him on the evening of the 23rd. It was horribly emotional for her (and myself watching her).

She wanted to tell him about the hurt he caused her through her life, but when she saw how frail he was, she burst into tears and just could not do that because he looked so helpless. No matter what harm was done, she has a heart and she was able to tell him it was time for him to go and not suffer any longer. I am proud of her!

It's been a rough week and I wasn't able to get online until late last night. There are some other things going on with my youngest and I had to stay at her place to take care of the kids while she had to go away for a few days. I'm exhausted, emotional and a bit stressed. But, I'll survive and I'm working on taking care of myself this weekend.

Again, thank you all for your compassion, healing thoughts and prayers. They have helped us tremendously!

Dear Sabby: In your situation with someone you care about in hospice due to a terminal condition, you are coping as well as possible. Please know that our Creator is hurting over all your family's pain. You need to try to rely on your faith and beliefs to give you the courage and strength you need to get you through this. My caring thoughts and prayers are with you and your daughters and your ex-husband. Please try to remember that each individual handles this situation in his/her own unique way. (((Hugs))) (((Prayers)))

Thank you BabyJaden4Ever.

Sabby, my condolences to you and your daughters.

Thank you for sharing your situation. It has helped me see how fragile life is and how sometimes all we can do is release the pains from the past and go on.

I am sorry for your loss