[Rapunzel]

I'm not sure what kind of help I need. I have no energy left, and just when I think the final straw has broken, there goes another one.

Some of you know that I'm doing my counseling internship now. That's 20 hours of volunteer work, in addition to a full-time job, in addition to volunteering several hours per day here, which keeps me going up until the point where everything comes to a screeching halt. I'm a little bit stressed, you could say. Note the distressed mood indicator icon. That's a bit of an understatement.

Five weeks ago I was traumatized and didn't function at all for a couple of days. There are posts on various forums that follow bits and pieces of the story (I can't tell it here). Then my favorite goat had twin babies on the worst weather day of the year, to that point anyway. The babies were dead before we got home and mama was down. I was not functioning well enough to remember the things that I know about how to care for that goat. She was down, and never got up again. She died a week and a half later. Meanwhile, we had worse weather, and my car's brakes failed on a downhill freeway on-ramp covered with ice and six inches of slush. With my little plastic Saturn, I slid into the back of a Hummer. I had liability only. My car was totaled, the Hummer was undamaged, I did everything I could to minimize the impact and damage, didn't spin, didn't even dissociate (until later), and I got a ticket and all the blame. Last time I had to go to court about a ticket (which I would have to if I contest it), I ended up in jail for observation for major self-destructive behavior. I don't know if I can deal with a trigger like that now, whether I pay the ticket or go to court. I'm avoiding it and not sure how much time I have left. Probably about a week. I now have a car payment, and my mortgage got increased starting next month. My internship clients apparently have sensed something not right, and all three of them requested this week that I stop seeing them. I was already not getting enough hours to meet the requirements. I can't take any more hits.

Today, I was trying to cope with all of the above, a major depressive episode that has lasted 5 weeks and counting (I have SAD, among other things, and I'm not coping all that well). There was a thread in this forum that was questionable, but I tend to want to allow people to express themselves and ask for information that will help them if possible. I responded to a couple of PMs and to the thread in between meetings and tryhing to manage heavy issues at work. My annual evaluation is tomorrow BTW and I'm not coping there any better than anyplace else. While I was occupied with work, commuting, and rehashing with my internship supervisor about what I am doing wrong and why I may not get another chance (I cried a lot), action was taken to keep this forum safe and within the guidelines. Note, I was otherwise occupied at the time. I came home for a second, on my way to class tonight, and found my PM box flooded with angry messages about everything that I did and didn't do here. I can't do it all. I can't make everyone happy. I just hope that I can avoid making everyone hate me by the time I'm done, especially those whom I have considered friends.

I hope that this post doesn't offend anyone. Maybe it will need to be removed. I want to be able to keep on going, and this forum is one of several things that means a lot to me. I want it to be a safe place for everyone. Usually I feel that it is well worth it. But it will take everyone working together to make it work. I can't hold it together without all of you.

If you have PMed me today and have not received an answer, I am sorry. I am not able to reply to everything right now because I am going to be late to class as it is.

TC My Friends,
Rapunzel

[bebop]

hon you have to take care of yourself. (((hugs)))

[(JD)]

(((((((((((RAPUNZEL))))) No one hates you.

I'm sorry that I added to that burden you are carrying.

Losing an animal is tough enough, but 3 oh my. How sad. I'm sure you are full of what if's and if onlys... but God takes His animals home too, and loves them. You'll see them all again, I'm sure.

As for the ticket and court, if you can't get an attorney to go for you, then pay it and be done with the stress of it all. Can you go to class to diminish the fees and charges? ((((hugs)))) We all have accidents, that's why they are called "accidents." You certainly didn't go looking to crash. I'm glad you weren't terribly hurt. (I won't talk about what I think of hummers.)

No, no one can make everyone happy, ever. (Well, except God, He will.)
Regarding this forum, I think the original intent of supportive meditations and such (</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
This Sanctuary is a place for people of all spiritual beliefs and faiths to offer support and compassion to each other in the form of prayers, meditation, and expressions of spirituality. This forum is for support, not religious debate.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> is really the best way to do this. I personally had caution about allowing questions, but quietly agreed and acquiesced. When the questioning began to read more about trying to counter some beliefs, and thinly veiled arguments, I really thought it needed to end. I began to change my own posting, and also limited my replies to others, even if that meant that uncountered the threads went on and on putting down other's beliefs.

When I come to this forum, I want to feel supported. I don't want to feel I have to defend my beliefs. I can't do that much anyway because I am then countered and accused of being insensitive. I don't mind others having their own belief threads. I don't mind others giving support to each other, or even questioning within their own realm of believing or disbelieving. I do understand that there might be those who really are questioning everything regarding their own spirituality, but they have to learn also that they can't treat this topic like just any other. There are many who don't post here but wish they could, who would benefit in the long run by doing so, because they don't feel they are strong enough in their beliefs to counter others who pounce upon them.

I would love to see this forum become one of prayers, meditations and true expressions of spirituality and support for one another. The long discussions can be taken to beliefnet.

I hope your class was good in spite of your upset and feeling poorly. Mostly all of us here know your heart is good and your efforts are earnest. If you are spread too thin, you must reeval that for your own self care.

[Abby]

Rapunzel you always give more that your best at all times, you are dedicated, peaceful and kind. I'm so sorry that you have been going through so much recently if i can do anything to reduce your burdens i will gladly. I will dedicate my prayers to you tonight - that God brings you peace and serenity because it is what you truly deserve. Your daily battle against depression is really admirable, i understand sometimes you feel you have no energy but God will never burden you with more than you can bear. Sometimes that is so difficult to remember when we are rushing around with so much to do.

I'm not really sure what the debate this post is referring too (i tend to glaze over at times ) but i wanted to say that although i have read a few upset posts, i personally have never felt anything but love and faith on this forum whatever faith people may be. I want to offer my support to this forum, for those that come here for spiritual support, and for those that are questioning their beliefs. I am sad that people do sometimes feel they cannot express their faith and that sometimes people feel that they are not being listened too.

I come here to just enjoy the opportunity to learn more about the people on pc - Christian, Muslim, Buddists, Hindus, Native Indian Spiritualists (if that is the correct terminology! ) etc etc.

Peace to you all.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((( Rap )))))))))))))

[AAAAA]

(((((Rapunzel))))) You’re plate is so full right now, I can’t imagine how you’re able to breathe. I wish I had some clever words of wisdom but I’ll gladly pray for you. I’m sorry that we forget sometimes that PC isn’t your sole obligation; we appreciate all that you do!

Thanks for sharing.... and caring so much.

Take good care of you.....

((((((((((Rapunzel)))))))))))))))

[nothemama8]

Rap, you need to STOP worring about all of us here we are stronger just knowing you, self care is needed sooooooo ..... sending prayers to you
Love ya
Angie

[KathyM]

(((Rap))) You've been open and honest with us, and you have such a caring heart. Thank you for sharing a little of your life with us. I'm sorry to hear you carry such a huge burden. I'll try my best not to contribute to that burden, and I'll keep you in my prayers.

Sky - I truly believe people of all faiths can get along if we learn to respect each other and each other's boundaries. I enjoy the conversations because it gives me an opportunity to get to know the people here. I like to hear about how God works in other people and listen to their stories of how they apply their faith (walk with God). It gives me reassurance that people really do know God. I'm sorry, but I worry sometimes that some have only learned to memorize and recite. People converse in every other forum on this board - why can't we?

I don't know anyone at "beliefnet" and I have no desire whatsoever to get involved in a fight over religion. Why do I have to leave this forum? What is wrong with having a little "communion" here?

[nowheretorun]

(((((((((((KathyM))))))))))

i agree wholeheartedly... i was fortunate to find sanctuary here and it is a true blessing.... i wish the same for us all as well.....

May Peace Reign in Spiritual Sanctuary... Thank you God and All for listening and the kindest regards i have recieved here....

i Pray we All find Hope Together : )

EDITED to correct spelling : )

[nowheretorun]

((((((Rapunzel))))) : )

[altonwoodsdrphil]

Dear Rapunzel, As I was reading your post it really hit home with me as my goat just had babies (3-one was breach and died)...and all of the other stuff you mentioned I just began to pray for you, for His peace to just fall upon you and that you would feel the shelter of his loving arms around you. We men have a bad reputation for trying to fix everything when we should just offer our love...and our support, you definitly have mine, God Bless

[SeptemberMorn]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Wendy}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I'm praying for you, Sweety... Alton has the right idea. I agree with him in prayer. Allow God to sort things for you and get rid of those things you don't need to concern yourself with.

I had a goat that I had to put down myself. Her name was Blessings and she lived up to her name in every respect. I hope to see her again some day.

[coralproper]

Rap, you have been good to me here, thank you soooo much for that, you have a gift

you are in my thoughts

[1oxbowgirl]

((((Rapunzel))))
I feel the pain in my heart of the hurt and sadness, and loss of peace in your life right now. There is an old saying that things come in threes, but often for some unknown reason we might get fives or sixes. I will keep you in my prayers each day and ask that God be at your side protecting you and giving you all the love and strength you need in the coming days.
I too think it is better in this case to pay the ticket and forget about it, lose the stress of worrying about it. Almost sounds to me, as if you may have just taken on more than you can handle. If you are constantly tired and stressed, things have a way of going bad drather quickly. I was saddened to hear about your nanny goat and babies. Just this alone must have broken your heart. I think your very well-liked here and most if not all here are still holding your hand, supporting your cause, so that you will succeed and not fail. Having been there in life where everything is going wrong and no matter what I tried it just got worse, it was then and only then that I realized I had forgotten to go to the Lord in prayer. This time of trying to handle it all by yourself, may be the time to hand your worry and pain over to God. Bless you. You are special, 1 Girl

[2fargone]

(Rap), I don't know exactly all that you have gone through, and I am new to PC, but you sound like me, years ago. I am still in major depression disorder, and my hits and depression continue. I wonder why you are trying so hard to help people when you have so many other things on your plate, like caring for needy animals, and getting a therapist certification or whatever it is you are trying to accomplish in this field.

Perhaps a hobby, like embroidery, writing poetry, gardening, something that would take your mind comepletely off some of these burdens may help you in your left brain center, as hobbies and creativity are in your right brain center.

As a former claim adjuster, I know that the police officer had to probably ticket you if the other driver asked him/her to (and that may be out of anger on the other driver's part). Yes, it may be "your fault" in a civil proceeding, but let the insurance carrier take care of that. Do not dwell on that. They will take care of that for you. They will fight on your behalf, claim it was an unavoidable accident, due to an Act of God, or try to subrogate against the Hummer for sudden stop or something. Believe me, I have been there.

Let God take care of the details. He loves you, and you must take your faith, which is a gift from God within you, and use it. This too shall pass. I, too, need to take this advice after being ticketed for hitting a pole I couldn't see after trying to avoid an accident. I am going to court to fight it. I do not suggest you do; however, contact your insurance agent to see how many points against your record it will cost you, etc. Google, traffic ticketing and court proceeding or such and see what information you can find. Take positive steps.

God Bless you.

[Rapunzel]

Many thanks to all of you for your replies here. I know where my friends are, and I do sincerely appreciate this support. Sometimes I really do struggle to feel God's love for me, because I can't imagine that I would be important enough for Him to notice or care, especially when everything seems to be going wrong. But I have felt it, and I can't deny that. The hard thing is to remember. I'm hoping to cut back a little on work for a while. I broke down when it was time for my annual evaluation on Friday, and told my supervisor that I haven't been my best in several weeks. I need some time to get going again, and it doesn't seem fair to be evaluated based on my performance while in this crisis. She'll work with me. I also thought about taking a vacation from Psych Central, but I would be lost without this community, I think. This has been an important social support center for me, and also a source of stability, for a long time. We'll see what happens. I'm still reading, although I might lay low for a while. I still need everyone here to do their best to take care of themselves and each other, respect each other, and try to keep it peaceful here. Even at my best, I could never do this alone.

TC,
Rap

[DocClyde]

(((Rap)))

It takes me thirty years to find a posting sometimes

I love you, God loves you. You must get some rest. Hopefully you can get some good self-care soon...

PM me any time, night or day...

Love ya.

[recluse1]

((((Rapunzel)))) Sending you gentle hugs and praying things start to work themselves out in your favor. I will remind you of what you have reminded us about so many times before, and it is good advice.

Sometimes we all need to take a break and practice some good self care. It definitely sounds as though your plate is overflowing right now. And I just want you to know that we all appreciate everything you do here. But if you need a temporary break from here, I we would understand if wanted to talk to DocJohn about doing so. Stretching yourself so thin cannot be good for you or those that are closest to you.

Dear God, I pray that you would send Ranpunzel a blessing of peace and rest. As she has blessed many here with her kind words and support. I pray that you would reach down and touch here, as you know her needs and know what is needed most in her life right now. In Jesus' precious name I ask things on her behalf,
Amen.

[ibme]

Rapunzel,

Don’t know if this will help or not. Went to your site from links you’ve posted. Was going to PM you but after reading all that you do felt I had nothing to say that would be noteworthy. What I’d written and then deleted had to do with appreciating your surviving what you’ve survived and your courage. Felt overwhelmed by your accomplishments and knew it was not helpful for me to compare. Each person has a special place and a special function and sometimes life seems so huge and a person can feel so small. The wisdom of the Creator is so far beyond anything I can fathom. All I can do to help is make my request known in your behalf. You’ve asked for help and I ask for you to have some respite and rest, for you to be encouraged and strengthened in the midst of all that is going on in your life. I ask that your need be met day by day as you keep on keeping on. Thank you for sharing your experience, your strength, your hopes, your time, your energy and your need.

Appreciatively,
ibme