Forgiveness

I have just reconciled with my sister after being estranged for a year. It came about because of forgiveness. I wrote about the process and wanted to share it with someone . . .

There is no doubt that a spiritual path includes learning to love others unconditionally. Sometimes this means we have to forgive each other first. It would be nice if this could happen quickly and simply, but this is not usually the case. Sometimes forgiveness is a slow process.

It would also be nice if forgiveness would just happen on its own. We can just give it some time. But usually some intervention must take place. In other words, we must work on it, sort of like tending a garden.

The process begins with a desire to forgive. Many factors may motivate this desire—none of them natural. Our natural inclination is to stay angry and hold a grudge. But, eventually, either misery gets the best of us and/or a deeply held belief system shakes loose the anger and gives way to a desire to forgive.

After the willingness comes, we then need some fancy footwork. One might begin by getting inside the head of the person or persons with whom we are angry. Was the transgression intentional or an accident? Was the transgressor suffering in some way for which we can be sympathetic? If the person with whom we are angry tells his side of the story what would he say?

It is important, at this point, to begin a discussion of the matter. The trick here is to listen to the people we discuss this with. We may not really want to hear an objective opinion, but it is important that we do. And even if our friends and/or pastor agrees with us that we are the injured party, it feels good to loosen that knot of anger chocking us to death by talking it out with someone we trust.

It can also be very helpful to write about all this emotional chaos. Writing can lead to some interesting “Freudian Slips” about the true nature of what happened and how we feel about it.

For the sake of argument, however, what if we are truly a victim and the person we are angry with has no leg to stand on? How then do we forgive? Well in this case we must simply try to look at the bright side. For instance, our perpetrator has to bear the weight of his sin against us and we do not. (It might help, at this point, to mention that you do not have to like someone to forgive them or even associate with them. The dictionary definition of forgiveness is simply to let go of our anger. No hugs and kisses are required.)

The hardest part of forgiveness comes when we have to feel the “real” feelings behind what happened. Our anger is just a coverup for the pain brought on by the slight. The pain of rejection, the wound to our ego, the utter disappointment in this person, the fear that this will happen again.

The hardest part of forgiveness for me is to let go of the anger when the person who wounded me is in total denial about the whole thing.

Recently my mother died. My sister who has BPD was angry at me for hovering over my mother on her deathbed. She said that my mother would not want me there because she did not like me. I was so wounded by this that I vowed never to speak to my sister again until she apologized.

But a year later I felt the pain of estrangement more than the pain of what she had said. So I was stuck between my anger and my loneliness for my sister. I also felt the tugging of Christ’s words to love each other—and doesn’t that sometimes mean unconditionally?

So, eventually, I went through the process I describe above and came to the conclusion that forgiveness was important to my mental health and my salvation as a Christian. So I swallowed my pride. I sent of a stiff email telling her that I was ready to move on without an apology. Immediately I felt as if a great burden had been lifted. I also felt like a better servant of the Lord and this is no small matter to me.

I have yet to hear from my sister but I feel better because I have surrendered the toxic feelings I was holding on to for dear life. And I think this is exactly why Christ asks us to forgive each other. Not only is world peace at stake, it is important for our personal well being. I see everything Christ asks us to do as serving this dual purpose—personal fulfillment and our contribution to a better world.

Forgiveness actually helps YOU, the one who no longer harbors hurt, resentment, and lets someone else's problem rule themselves. You are releasing your sister from your hook to God's hook, God knows the situation. It is as if your sister owes you money for what she said about you and it is as if you stamped, DEBT FORGIVEN on the debt...........you can now have a more open heart for life, and for God.

Butterfly girl, same with me and family.
A whole year and after the death of a parent.
People handle grief differently, some people get nasty.
The birth of my Grandson brought us all back together.
But, I have notentered into the family situation again without my OWN strengths.
My emotional state no longer epends on those people, my bio family, and it's very freeing to spend time with them if I want to.
However, my Brother is still another story.
We may both go to our graveswithout reconciling.
I'm ver Earthy in my beliefs and he's very Christian in his, though I am left, he is extremely right.
We just really clash.
On day in a park though, there was a man who looked justl iike my Brother, even down to his teeth! And, I couldnt help but want to talk to him. I said, you look just like my Brother and I havent seen him in years.....I asked his name and (drop jaw here) his name was my Brothers also!
I felt then, deeply, that this man was my brother, so to speak, as many/all men are. Not less not more.
My bio brother and I share the dna and the history of our youth, but, that's all.
I can and have forgiven but not enough to continue the injuries.
I feel some people just clash and need not be aroudn each other, just because they were born in the same family.
I see all the rest of my family, but again, it is because I go into the family with my own power, that they can no longer take away.
They treat me with respect and talk nice, so I continue to go and spend time.
There was a time we were so seperate that all holidays for almost two years were spent away.
Kinda sad yes, but, I found a family that was waitint to adopt me, in nature.
The birds, trees, wind, moon, sun, four leggeds......all are my relatives and I am so grateful for them all.
Forgiveness wasnot mine until I could find my own strength and a way to protect meself from further harm.
Now, I can go into the wolfs den feeling pretty confident....
I feel it was almost my fault all this drama.....I was just weak and without my own back bone. It sure is nice to have a back bone now.
I don't use it to hurt others only to protect myself.

I like to picture all hurts as a group of children playingin a playground.
SOmeones going to get hurt, but the intent ususally isnt there....and so, like I child I let the scrape hurt, but don't carry it much further.
There are some bullys on the playground, them, I try to stay away from.

Take good care and enjoy the weekend!
I'm going to the Hopkinsville KY Pow Wow!
It's the biggest one in this area.......I'm excited!

Karen

Thank you so much for sharing this...so much.

Yes, I believe anger to be a secondary emotion and that the root of the real hurt, frustration or fear must be addressed to manage the anger and forgive, move on, etc.

Thank you as well for laying it out step by step.

I just appreciate this so much and can relate to it greatly having been there. I'm now working on CLEAR BOUNDARIES to avoid (as much as is in my control) future episodes. I'm further working on being able to say, "he/she (in my family) didn't mean that. it's their illness speaking." Examining the roots of my feelings/reactions has helped that so much.

What a journey you've shared and I appreciate it.

KD

For me, though I 've prayed for the gift of forgiveness, it has just taken time...long times...to heal, often coming to the conclusion that I, indeed, was the one behaving dysfunctionally. Maybe this was the answer to the prayers...the long time recovering, teaching me the lesson I needed to learn.
Patty

Butterflygirl, I so respect and admire your actions. You really did take the "high road" and I have a feeling it will serve you well. I hope your sister will respond in a positive way and the two of you can rebuild a relationship, if that's what would be in your and her best interest. Many blessings to you - I think God was probably smiling as he observed you going through that process! Etheria

its such an easy thing to say but in practice?! don'ytknow why it is so ,whether conditioning etc................ i find it easy to forgive others but myself not so,a quote i heard has helped me in this area a great deal--we must learn to forgive ourselves for our weaknesses

Working the twelve steps of AA for 12 years helped me....make amends and etc....but, there's something simple I have said tomyself and believe whole heartidly.
1. I am truely sorry for the hurt I have caused others.
2 IF i could have done better I would have.
Then, I somehow feel that if others could do better they would too.
Well, except for those bully's in the playground, they jsut have no conscience, or something.
I have done a lot of stuff I could have easily killed myself for, but, dang, man, I want to know beauty.
It's inside of me, if I can see it, I must have it.
An old Teacher of mine told me, "I am the center of my own universe"(not in the selfish way)...meaning, I co-create!
I got really excited and started creating.......
I had to get mad at the weights holding me down....guilt.
SC**W guilt.

People with mental disabilites, I feel, have a leg up on some things, like imagination, I have really used imagination to the positive.
I've become a master swords-woman!
(among many other things.)
lol.

I once was at a the river, where I lived at the Y for 3 years, learning how to live....
I was watching a sun set and it was the most colourful sunset I have EVER seen!
Ever changing, it was as if the Sky Gods were up there playing with paint, slappingit there and here and just creating an everychanging masterpiece!
I looked aroudn to see if anybody else was seeing* this miracle, ...... out of no where I heard, "THIS IS HOW WE SEE YOU".
My head lowerd and the tears streamed down my face and chest.
I could barely walk my bike "home".
Seeing my reflection humbled me to the greatest of degree.

We are creations in action.

Even the bullies on the playground do what they do for some reason. Pretty much all of them were bullied themselves. Maybe they don't know how else to relate to people - like if you're not on top you're on the bottom.

I've been a victim too, and it has hurt me, for a long time. When we hold on to that role, and those feelings, and that anger, it keeps hurting us. I'm trying to learn that, but it isn't easy. Maybe we're not ready to forgive those who hurt us for their sake just yet, especially when they haven't changed and haven't asked for forgiveness, but we need to try to let go of our anger and resentment for our own sake.

Butterflygirl, thank you for sharing your story. I hope that you will be able to love your sister in a way that allows you to heal, and eventually that she will heal also. How will you feel if your unconditional love allows her to become the sister that you always wanted?

Thank you Butterflygirl for your insightful writing on Forgiveness. I too have had to dig deeply with the help of Jesus' teachings on Love to find forgiveness. Mine has to do with domestic abuse and divorce. I have suffered with feelings of betrayal, grief, abandonment, anxiety, fear, despair and guilt. Luckily I have had the assistance of a great Christian Therapist to help me reconnect with my faith and eventually be born again in Christ.

Yes, everything He teaches us is about forgiveness, love and Grace. I have truly wanted to forgive my now "X" and I couldn't sleep or rest until I had reached a place in my heart and soul to be able to do that. And, no, that does not mean that we allow ourselves to be abused in any way, spiritually or emotionally, by them ever again.

His anger and abusiveness began to manifest itself after 25 years together and before the anger took over his life, we had a relatively normal loving relationship. I don't know for sure what happened to him, but all of a sudden, I didn't even know who he was anymore. As a result of this confusion, I have had a horrible time trying to heal and to get on with my life. I still cry almost daily for him and have begged him to let go of the anger and to find forgiveness and reach out to Jesus for understanding. I can't erase the memories of all the joy and happiness we used to have and I keep beseeching Jesus to speak to his heart and bring him back to me. However, I have had to distance myself from him now because he has developed a relationship with another woman. There is nothing more I can say to him that will have any meaning as long as he is involved with someone else. He says it won't last because he has too much baggage and is in such financial failure that he has no business having a relationship with anyone until he gets his life straightened out. Yet, he continues to see her. So, I had to cut off any further communication with him. It breaks my heart to do it. However, I have to heal and I have to let God's will be my guide now. I have forgiven him truly in my heart and that is all I can do.

I also have a bipolar sister whom I have forgiven completely for all the pain she caused me and our family for over 20 years. We now have a loving and honest relationship I cherish.

Thanks again for sharing your insights.

GypsieRose