[puzzclar]

I know I've done things that are sins. I have been through far too much, but I don't need the extra mental things tonight.

I keep pushing, and pulling at God. And running away and towards, over and over. I'm overwhelmed about the future, and my past is in the way.

I feel like two people!

15 months ago I claimed I was running towards God. Now, I don't even know what direction to take. I'm confused, lost, and desperate for answers. Yet, I'm bitter towards God for allowing others to take advantage of me!!!!! I'm hurt.

Tonight I lay down, and my thoughts start to spiral down. I scream into my pillow. And then write this post, desperate to get it out without doing something stupid.

I'm at a crossroads, to stay in grad school or to work for awhile. And I don't know what to do!!!!! And God is silent. And I feel judged. He has more compassion than I do. Yet I don't believe that, because I've sinned.

I'm in this pit, doing everything but climbing up the ladder that God is holding, because I don't see the ladder, or I want to do it my way. How can I reach up, when I can't see an inch in front of me. I need light. He has it, but I can't see the light.

I've felt like I'm past the point of return, even if deep down I know that I can always return. I'm just so miserable!!!!!! Did I even change, or am I just two people!?

Then the air comes out of the vent, and I feel the wetness of my pillow. Can I forgive myself? Can I forgive God? Can I reach out for help to move forward?

[Yaowen]

Dear puzzclar,

I am so sorry that you are experiencing this dark night of the soul. I wish I knew what to say that would help. Your post reminds of many of the Psalms in the Bible where the conflicting thoughts and feelings of persons who are suffering are expressed directly and honestly and without any censoring. They also remind me of the some of the words of Jesus in Gethsemane and on the Cross. Your words also echo so many of the words of Job. It is heartbreaking that you are suffering. I wish I knew how to ease the pain your are experiencing. I think you are a very good and heroic person. So very, very sorry I could not be helpful to you. Hopefully others here will have better words for you than my poor words.

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen

[TunedOut]

Puzzclar,

I felt like I should have replied yesterday but was not sure what to say since there is no religious talk here. IMO we all have sinned (except one). I hope you can learn to forgive yourself. IMO for most of us, it is harder to forgive ourselves than be forgiven. Maybe you feel like you are two people because you are at a crossroads? IMO, our thoughts, actions, choices, etc mold who we are. If we want to change something, it is not easy. We need help from God and it helps when we believe. We have to overcome thought patterns, habits, etc, but it can be done with His help. Of course, it doesn't happen overnight and it can be a struggle. For me, after being miserable for a long time, that is when I had a "faith" breakthrough. Also, I do believe that sin, not God, is responsible for the misery in this world. I hope you feel better soon. You are in my prayers Puzzclar.

[*Beth*]

I find the concept of "sin" absurd. It's something somebody made up. I believe it's important not to project our own lack of self esteem onto God.


Mistakes? We all make those. Making mistakes is part of being human.

[puzzclar]

Thank you all!!! I wanted to place blame on others, and not take responsibility for my actions. And it's taken years to accept that responsibility. There has been so much anguish that I haven't known what to do, and overwhelmed by what others have told me. That I my issues affect others, and I need to do more to protect, no, to help myself feel better.

I took a questionnaire on what type of person I am.and I found out I'm a obliger. Which means I do things for others more than myself, which just makes me mad! And gives insight into the mental difficulties that I experience. I'm unhappy partly because I've done things more for others than myself. That's a lot to take in.

I do need to forgive myself. My brain adapted to challenges. And my body adapted as well. And I can work to change this and get to a better place. If only I had a direction to go!?

[TunedOut]

Originally Posted by puzzclar

I wanted to place blame on others, and not take responsibility for my actions. And it's taken years to accept that responsibility.

I took a questionnaire on what type of person I am. nd I found out I'm a obliger. Which means I do things for others more than myself, which just makes me mad! And gives insight into the mental difficulties that I experience. I'm unhappy partly because I've done things more for others than myself.

If only I had a direction to go!?

Puzzclar,

What you have said above shows you have made a lot of progress. I am a people pleaser too but have learned to set better boundaries. IMO it is good to do things for others but we just have to make sure it comes from a place where we value ourselves enough to take time to take care of ourselves a priority. I have always read daily and have found that books and articles on the internet are helpful. So are many YouTube videos out there. Be patient with yourself and you will find more answers. Look at how far you have come already.

[Prycejosh1987]

I asked myself these same questions at some point in life. The answer is it all depends on you.