[sduck]

I always think people are watching me, judging me, plotting schemes against me, reading my thoughts, are possibly broadcasting them. I am always so conscious of these thoughts and often lash out at people or avoid them. It is very hard to make friends, in fact I've never had a true friend in so many years. I always seem to have a very distorted way of thinking. It's always hard to write, speak, or read coherent sentences. Always difficult to understand things the way people normally do. Always hard to concentrate and control my thoughts. My mood seems to always be random and uncontrollable. I seem to have no true identity in my personality either.

I was diagnosed a paranoid schizophrenic, but a different doctor thought it was schizoaffective disorder. What do people here think?

[DirtyDog04]

First of all, I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. Sometimes I can hear them in my head, but most of the time it's people actually talking around me. If I am not in direct conversation with them, I'll hear them talking about me, and it's almost always negative, judging and criticizing me. My mood generally ranges from moderately happy to questioning the point of existence and wondering if I should have ever been born. It can change very quickly, sometimes for no reason at all.

At a NAMI meeting I went to, an older person, someone with some experience in the matter, mentioned that mental illness can be unique to the individual. It's good to try and classify patterns, but at the same time, it might be best not to get to hung up on the label of your problems. That said, if you are having severe mood problems, it seems schitzoaffective to me. But I'm no doctor. In any case, you kind of need to try different meds until find ones that make you feel better. I wish you the best.

Another thing I'd like to point out is that I think you are expressing yourself well. It's possible that others see you as relatively normal, but you just feel so messed up that you assume otherwise. Just something to consider.

[sduck]

People have different views on my intellectual ability when they encounter me, they either think I'm very smart or very dumb. The doctor that diagnosed me thought I was some kind of genius, but seemed very confused why I acted the way I did. I'm guessing he thought depression and paranoia distorted my way of thinking which in many cases it seems to, where it can make me come off dumb, because I would misinterpret what people say, and think it's some sort of attack against me, even when I try to think otherwise, the paranoid thoughts manifest, take over, and can often become obsessive. In some cases I noticed, I would know what people are saying, but then pretend I don't and act like I don't because I would try to nullify the conversation by changing my identity and expecting people to read my thoughts and just get it. It might sound strange, but that's the best way I know how to describe it.

It is always difficult for me to write coherent speech, I usually spend lots of time trying to put my words together. I'm able to do so a lot better now, because, and I don't recommend this to anyone, but I've been trying to self medicate by smoking marijuana. It has done horrible things for me in the past, but recently it felt like it was bringing me back into this world, where I was able to function and socialize like a normal person. It also gave me this out worldly kind of view, where I could understand myself better and comprehend how people thought of me. I depended on alcohol a lot, but now I noticed that alcohol really had been making my symptoms worse, and certain medications haven't been helping either. Mixing both marijuana and alcohol a few days ago just made me really depressed and scared of who I am and what I'm capable of, so I dug up some of my old prescription medicine (haloperidol) and started taking them. I've been able to control my self for the past couple days ever since, learning a lot from the marijuana experience. The medicine makes me feel kind of like a zombie, but I realize now that I rather be a zombie than have people hate me all the time. I also don't have a doctor currently, but have been finally approved for SSI, so that is currently in the works.

[avlady]

I get really profound thoughts that scare me, so I try to listen to music which is soothing. I've also found that alot of the music's words and just not the music so much, affect me too. I love music and even taught piano beginners for several years. I tried pot one time and it freaked me out so bad i nver did it again, in fact i believe with what it did to me may have been because it was laced with something.I use to love to drink beer, but on my meds now i can't or I would die. I am considered schitzoaffecteive, but i looked at my doctors bill yssterday it was changed to Bipolar.Either way i get strange thoughts and feelings and can't seem to get it to stop in my head.

[DirtyDog04]

I'm not sure if you've considered this, but alcohol nullifies the positive effects of the medication. So it's possible that different meds would better suit you, but also possible that they need a 2-6 week period with no alcohol to start working. Both alcohol and marijuana have satisfied me in the past, but my head usually gets messed up for about a week after drinking. The last time I smoked marijuana, I ended up telling 30 or so people to go **** themselves because I heard them mocking me out. It turns out they were talking about video games. As insightful as the weed has made me feel at times, I think it puts down my firewall, and I loose the ability to just say no to my paranoid thoughts.

I had one of those epiphanies the other day where I feel that I've realized something very important. It's probably meaningless, but I'd still like to share it: I have only one identity. Everything that I believe people say and think, without being 100% that they verbally express it when I am close enough to hear, is my own single voice.

If I had a higher self esteem, I'd probably think I was a celebrity. A good affirmation for me is "I am me, and I am normal."

Another thing worth mentioning is that I generally only have realizations like this and am able to filter out the crap when I take my meds and don't drink. The world is much brighter for me than it used to be. I'm not trying to brag, I'm just trying to remind you that things can get better. When your head is straight, things like friends start to fall into place.