[blackwhitered]

I know I was dangerous without meds, but there are some aspects of my illness that I wish I still had... It's really been bothering me to the point that I really want to go off my meds, even knowing I could hurt myself or others.

The most notable thing I miss were these two friendly hallucinations I had... I don't know, knowing that the meds are stopping me from seeing them just makes me feel like a murderer. I have had other hallucinations in the past like this that have gone away permanently on their own, and I'm afraid that if I don't go off my meds soon enough the same thing will happen to these two. Can anyone relate?

The other thing I miss is my hypomania (I'm bipolar type). I think that speaks for itself.

I also had some delusions and voices that I sometimes miss, but to a lesser extent.

[Travelinglady]

I am glad you are better, and I can relate.

[avlady]

I understand, maybe it makes you happy to be hypomania? It's like being on a natural high.

[James_from_Idaho]

I deffinately miss some of the things I experienced being off the meds.. Like not being afraid.. Being passionate.. But I am afraid of the person I become if I don't take my meds.. I think rather or not we take the meds, we are who we are.. I think it is better to stay on the meds, and try to become the person we would like to be, rather we take the meds or not.. I hope that makes sense.. Peace

[Atypical_Disaster]

I can relate.

[Sometimes psychotic]

Originally Posted by blackwhitered

I know I was dangerous without meds, but there are some aspects of my illness that I wish I still had... It's really been bothering me to the point that I really want to go off my meds, even knowing I could hurt myself or others.

The most notable thing I miss were these two friendly hallucinations I had... I don't know, knowing that the meds are stopping me from seeing them just makes me feel like a murderer. I have had other hallucinations in the past like this that have gone away permanently on their own, and I'm afraid that if I don't go off my meds soon enough the same thing will happen to these two. Can anyone relate?

The other thing I miss is my hypomania (I'm bipolar type). I think that speaks for itself.

I also had some delusions and voices that I sometimes miss, but to a lesser extent.

I went through this about a year ago, my people were very friendly and had distinct personalities and I honestly felt like I was missing them and its hard because they were idealized unlike real people. Plus their focus was solely me which also never happens in real life. So I get what you're saying. But once you get to a point where you are truly healthy just the thought of going back becomes scary. You will get there.

[The_little_didgee]

This is a common experience.

I went through a 14 month long psychosis so I know what you are feeling. During my illness, I found comfort in my hallucinations and delusions. Sometimes, paranoia and agitation would surface and make my life very difficult so I complied with treatment. I soon realized how much I missed the more positive hallucinations. They were comforting and were a distraction from myself.

After recovery, I became somewhat despondent. Finding something to do outside of my home helped me recover.

[patches4.0]

Hi

I have been diagnosed with schizoaffective for 24 years now. There are things I miss about myself but nothing about my illness. It took 21 years to stop hearing voices and when they were gone I began mmy recovery to living a normal life. I am now able to work full time, own my own house and car and do many of the things I used to enjoy. I went off my meds 4 times and 4 times wound up psychotic and in the hospital. I won't be going off them again because it's no the responsible thing to do.Don't you think it's a little selfish to want to go back to a place where you might hurt others just so you can feel good. I'm glad you are doing well and hope you stay that way.

Patches

[eliralena]

I know what you mean, sometimes I miss the hypomania side myself. I've never had the full hallucinations of seeing people who'd talk to me but I did what I'd call shadow people that would randomly show up out of nowhere. I'm bipolar type too.

[Tsunamisurfer]

Originally Posted by eliralena

I know what you mean, sometimes I miss the hypomania side myself. I've never had the full hallucinations of seeing people who'd talk to me but I did what I'd call shadow people that would randomly show up out of nowhere. I'm bipolar type too.

I miss the more beautiful hallucinations, like seeing a tree in full bloom in the middle of winter, or sensing a peace and the ability to know the feelings of a whole crowd of people, or a friendly being who was not fully visible but merged with objects around me.

What I definitely don't miss (and still struggle with) is paranoia, and mania. One feeds off the other, and trouble caused by mania makes paranoia seem even more rational.

The other part of psychosis that can definitely go and lump it is the insulting and degrading auditory hallucinations, and the confusion that inevitably accompanies it.

[smilehopeandlive]

yep me too.... i miss my illness. Atleast During my illness i had hope (even if it was false) that someone loved me, will come and take me away. Oh i used to prepare for that day of his arrival.....now i am going to turn 33 on 26'th....still unmarried....always irritated and angry with my parents becuse they refuse to discuss my marriage with me.... I feel lonely and like i am leading a retired life with my parents.

[Frokly]

hmm this is tricky for me, because i did miss them and i actually brought them back for a lack of some interesting imagination...

i talk to them, they care for me i care for them, they respond, they help me with my daily work... even tell me to check my take away dinner because the workers were trying to cheat me and she was right.

they help me with my life and if i make mistakes they react in tandem, they feel betrayed if i make mistakes i have to apologize... and make sure i convince them i won't do it again...

like just a few minutes ago i convinced her to abandon me and maybe revisit in 10 years time just so i can concentrate on my life in these 10 years.. and she agreed...

then reading back what i wrote here... sometimes its stranger that she's not real than being real.

for me its a daily involvement and a lot of times these friendly hallucinations make me happy...

so of course yeah i can relate to what your saying...

but of course people with our affliction know that there are horrible sides to this affliction too.

best wishes

Frokly

[philbee]

i prefer to stay on the meds because when i am off them the schizoaffective symptoms are almost unbearable for me. the symptoms also seem to come back if for some reason i am under severe stress. for many many years i was on the wrong meds, real high doses of tranquilizers which did nothing, and it wasn't until i finally found a good pdoc where i was prescribed antipsychotics which worked like they were supposed to!

[James_from_Idaho]

When I first became ill, my mom was dying, and I was working a full time job, was in a long term relationship that was disasterous.. Plus I was doing illegal drugs.. That is also about the time I accepted Christ.. So, with all these things, I fell, and I fell hard.. I became somewhat of an in your face holy roller.. It was not a good thing to see.. I was in and out of the hospital like 5 times back than.. Till I realized, being sane is way better.. Since then, I own my own apartment, car, and I have an income.. I owe all that to staying on my meds.. I was not the kind to have a lot of hallucinations.. My hallucination was when I was in psychosis, was that I was some kind of profet.. lol.. I would think the stars were angels.. And I would have to call them down to earth.. Sometimes I would say I was God.. But I didn't think I was God.. I saw everthing as good and evil.. As God and the devil.. So, I classified it that way.. Anyway, just something to read.. God bless you all..