[Daisydoll29]

Anyone else as socially isolated as I am?

I have such a hard time being around anyone that I don't know. I'm constantly feeling like I'm being judged by everyone. Sometimes if I'm out in public I will get frightened by a random stranger for no reason. I prefer to be home because anything else is just too stimulating and overwhelming. I can't even tolerate my radio playing in my car. My social anxieties are completely debilitating to me.

What are your delusions?

I seem to constantly believe and question everyone and their intentions. I'm obsessed with thinking that my loved ones hate me and are plotting against me or just wanting to leave me. I also think that I'm always the subject of their gossip. It doesn't seem like I'm just imaging this. I always think that people are thinking something negative about when I'm having a conversation with them. Occasionally, I will see something on TV and will think that it is spiritual message somehow meant for me to hear.

Hearing things? I really don't hear voices but I will hear a quick sound bite of music or hear my kitchen timer going off for just a couple of seconds when it isn't. It's never very long and usually faint but I hear it.

Prognosis?

I feel like I was fine when I was 19 and that I only continue to get worse as I get older (I'm 34). I was in college and held jobs....the past 3 years have been my worst so am I going to decline? Feeling pretty defeated.

Sorry for the lack of structure. I've never been a part of anything like this and I'm shy but I need answers and I don't want to feel like I'm the only one in the world dealing with these thoughts. Any feedback is great! I'm hoping to gain a better understanding of myself by what others feel and think. What are your struggles with this illness?

[jaynedough]

Hi Daisydoll29. Love your username. Welcome to PC.

I have alot of the same thought distortions /delusions /paranoia (not sure how to classify them, sorry). It's helpful to read the posts here. Seeing that others are going through the same thing helps me feel better. This is the most I socializing I do. I'm not comfortable being around others.

Music-wise, it's something that helps me focus, for some reason. I always have my mp3 player plugged in when I'm driving. Usually, it's just me and my dog in the car. When I have others in the car, I cannot stand having the music cranked up.

I'm not trying to make you feel bad or anything, but tact isn't something I'm good at. Soooo..... When I first saw your thread title, I thought you were talking about Seasonal Affective Disorder. It took me a while to figure out what sza meant, but on this forum, we use sza to abbreviate schizoaffective d/o. Unless you did mean Seasonal Affective D/o. In which case, sorry.

[Daisydoll29]

Yes, I did mean schizoaffective disorder. I don't see where I can edit the post. Am I able to?
Thank you!

[Daisydoll29]

Should be Schizoaffective

[Shmooey]

Originally Posted by Daisydoll29

Anyone else as socially isolated as I am?
I have such a hard time being around anyone that I don't know. I'm constantly feeling like I'm being judged by everyone. Sometimes if I'm out in public I will get frightened by a random stranger for no reason. I prefer to be home because anything else is just too stimulating and overwhelming. I can't even tolerate my radio playing in my car. My social anxieties are completely debilitating to me.

YES. I am on disability from work right now and the most I've left the house since then was 9 1/2 hours in a week, over five different days.

I have a thing about noise, and words. There can't be too many words in my day, whether I read them, hear them on TV or radio, or from another person. Sometimes I think so many words when I'm high anxiety that I don't turn on any electronic device.

Originally Posted by Daisydoll29

What are your delusions?

I am from another planet and am a very powerful empath. There are humanoid aliens dressed all in white who follow me and try to protect me from black aliens who look like you see on UFO magazines. Those aliens want to destroy me. Regardless, I am being watched all the time.

One time I thought a helicopter had landed on the roof to kidnap my cat so I ran screaming upstairs. In reality, my husband told me our townhouse neighbor had turned on his garbage disposal. I contort sounds a LOT.

I believe there is a sniper with a rifle aimed at my downstairs front window. I can't sit in front of it with the shades open.

There's prolly more, but those are major ones. And besides, I need someone else to tell me when something is a delusion and not real to everyone.

Originally Posted by Daisydoll29

Hearing things? I really don't hear voices but I will hear a quick sound bite of music or hear my kitchen timer going off for just a couple of seconds when it isn't. It's never very long and usually faint but I hear it.

I had massive auditory hallucinations before they upped my Haldol to 15 mg. A radio or TV announcer would turn threatening to me alone, I'd hear music (usually cello), I have the usual hearing of voices.

Originally Posted by Daisydoll29

Prognosis?

I feel like I was fine when I was 19 and that I only continue to get worse as I get older (I'm 34). I was in college and held jobs....the past 3 years have been my worst so am I going to decline? Feeling pretty defeated.

Not so good. I have been on disability since January 12 (through my employer, not SSDI or SSI). Currently, my psychologist has me returning to work in mid-June, but we both know that was just a letter he wrote to appease them for a timeline. I currently plan to go to long-term disability through my employer and then start a SSDI claim to supplement.

You have to be disabled a year to start SSDI, but my employment has been impaired since January 2012. I had a job I lost after seven months due to excessive absences, then I had a total breakdown and was out of work for eight months. I started working as a temp at a university in March 2013. In my temp days, I would go home if the workload was too light, telling them I didn't feel right billing them for hours I wasn't really working. Really, it was my illness. They hired me on permanently in August 2013 and I have been struggling ever since. It's been particularly bad since May 2014 with excessive absences.

My psychologist thinks I can get SSDI the first time around since I have schizoaffective depressive type, panic disorder with severe agoraphobia, and DID (what they now call multiple personality disorder). Plus I have a collapsed disc in my lower back. I hope he's right. There's just no way I can handle working. Like you, I've been declining for a while and I don't see an end to it.

My biggest challenge about this illness is that I can't do anything to change it, it's always there. I can take my meds, yes, but the disordered thinking doesn't go away, my paranoia doesn't go away, and I feel so impaired. I have major struggles with hopelessness.

Sorry that was so long! Welcome again to the board. Keep posting! I'm shy too, and I wrote all that. This is a good place to be.

[Simakitten]

Hi Daisydoll29,
I'm not sure if my dx is depressive type but it's been my experience that I've had far fewer hypomanic episodes than depression. I'm quite isolated... I have overwhelming fatigue and have trouble with motivation... I tend to be socially withdrawn. My pdoc believes these are examples of the so-called "negative" symptoms of schizophrenia.

I only have the sensitivity to noise and so on when I'm off the Seroquel. My delusions include the belief that I have psychic powers to send thoughts out and that some people are able to hear my thoughts, read my mind, as it were. I also constantly feel that I am causing bad things to happen out in the world -- for instance, that something I thought or did caused someone to get hurt. It's a burden to carry these feelings around with me all the time.

I had auditory hallucinations only when I wasn't medicated. However, I often feel that a song played on the radio or some reference made in a show or movie relates to me personally (also that certain radio announcers can read my mind and hear my thoughts). Sometimes I feel that things I hear contain some kind of subtext -- messages for me to interpret.

I have not been able to work since 2007, though my record was pretty spotty long before then. The onset of my illness began when I was in my third year of a PhD program in Education. Before that I had gotten my M.A. and taught at a university for three years. Suddenly, in late 1992, everything changed for me... the illness took away my life, really. I often have doubts that my condition will improve, considering that I'm on max dosage of Seroquel (it's been going up steadily) and other AP's haven't worked well for me.

Still... hope springs eternal. I do feel that my life could get better and that my illness can be controlled... eventually. I hope the same for you. :-)

[Daisydoll29]

Thanks Schmooey and Simakitten for replying to me. Clearly, I'm not alone.
I'm finding this site so helpful already in at least that sense. Until, a few days ago I didn't think anyone could understand. I've been on disability since 2009 and declined more in 2012. I so wish I could go back and start over before all of this. I hate feeling out of control and scared. I hope that you both will stay in touch and feel better.

[Victoria'smom]

31 and declining. I have no social life outside my family even then I limit it. My delusions tend to revolve around being paranoid of my husband and people trying to hurt me. I hear arguments, things breaking, and chatter. I think it'll progress worse and worse as I age.

[Daisydoll29]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

31 and declining. I have no social life outside my family even then I limit it. My delusions tend to revolve around being paranoid of my husband and people trying to hurt me. I hear arguments, things breaking, and chatter. I think it'll progress worse and worse as I age.

I feel very similar and I'm sorry to hear that you and others are struggling. This is a very hard illness and the paranoia is so debilitating. I get suspicious of my husband and family too. I hear buzzers and music "speaking" to me or trying to message me. I try to hide it. Please feel free to PM me anytime to vent, talk or anything you need. Hugs