[ofthevalley]

Originally Posted by phoenix31

I've been so stable for over a year and all the sudden I feel myself starting to slide and I'm really upset about it. Something minor set me off and now that's not even the thing bothering me but I'm still panicky and I feel like everywhere I go there's people looking at me funny and that people are out to get me. I was all hyped up this morning and forgot to take my meds. I have a med reminder on my phone but I was already on my way to an appointment when it went off. I'm getting enough sleep cause I have quetiapine at night but I'm still feeling like things are going south and I'm really upset because usually controlling my sleep will fix it. I had been working out regularly and this morning I could barely pull myself out of bed. I don't feel like doing the simplest of things that normally don't bother me like cleaning up, or grocery shopping, but the more I sit around the worse it gets inside my head. I feel like everything is hopeless. Part of me wants to get out of my house and get a job and be around people and be normal, and then the other part of me keeps remembering what happens when I get in a bad spot like this and why it's not a good idea. Last time I had an episode my husband said he was going to divorce me, so that's another big stress. I don't even know what to say except I just needed to say something, to someone, somewhere. And now I feel stupid for posting this.

I'm sorry you are struggling. I hope you find some balance. Feel better

[Nix]

Thanks... I appreciate it a lot.

[Kuras]

Hallucinations are wrecking me and I've hardly slept in several days. Finally slept after a significant dose of Haldol. Only to sleep through one of two exams I had to take today. Not even in a place where taking the second is gonna happen. Have to see my psych tomorrow and talk meds. I feel like I'm losing my fckin mind.

[Nix]

Originally Posted by Kuras

Hallucinations are wrecking me and I've hardly slept in several days. Finally slept after a significant dose of Haldol. Only to sleep through one of two exams I had to take today. Not even in a place where taking the second is gonna happen. Have to see my psych tomorrow and talk meds. I feel like I'm losing my fckin mind.

Sorry to hear you're having a rough time...

[Biteplate]

Originally Posted by Kuras

Hallucinations are wrecking me and I've hardly slept in several days. Finally slept after a significant dose of Haldol. Only to sleep through one of two exams I had to take today. Not even in a place where taking the second is gonna happen. Have to see my psych tomorrow and talk meds. I feel like I'm losing my fckin mind.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I can relate, my hallucinations and paranoia and depression have been so bad I had to quit school. I hate that I just quit but I'm doing so awful right now and I'm awake for days on end it makes it hard to do any kind of school work. School is so expensive too so I didn't want to pay for classes I can't handle right now.

I hope you find a solution with your doctor!

[Kuras]

Thank you. I'm trying my damnedest to push through at complete my degree. Only way I'll take time off is if I end up hospitalized for long enough to impact my courses.

Saw my doctor on Friday. Tossed my Latuda. Haldol has gone from PRN to a regular maintenance med. Still on my Abilify too. Lamictal upped from 300mg to 400mg. As long my sleep stays ok, I should pull through eventually.

[CognitoSchiz1989]

I am doing okay/bad. My depression side of things has been staying at a solid moderate depression (that's usually where I hang).

Yesterday I was coming home from vacation and I turned on a CD and my entourage (part of my schizophrenia) started jamming out in the back seat. It was kind of funny and light hearted. I looked at my boyfriend who was driving and told him my entourage just showed up and they seem to really like this CD. I would miss my entourage if they went away. We only recently started getting along with help from my psychologist. They can make car rides more enjoyable.

[jaynedough]

So lost and sad and tired and in so much mental and physical pain. Want things to be better. Try to make things better. It always falls apart.

[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by jaynedough

So lost and sad and tired and in so much mental and physical pain. Want things to be better. Try to make things better. It always falls apart.

[CognitoSchiz1989]

I have just come out of a major depression that lasted 2 months. Been feeling okay for a week now.

[Angelique67]

I've been huddled under blankets the past 2 days. I've been so tense that I pulled out some hair. Trying to be mindful of it and stop doing it. I'm so cold, and so upset that they won't refill the gabapentin. Are they trying to get rid of me by forcing me to go elsewhere for the gabapentin refills?

[NeighborsTrigger]

I also would like to subscribe to this forum.

Just saw my psychiatrist today. He told me that the abuse I suffered from 2002 to 2008 is amplified more with my diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder than an actual diagnosis of PTSD. I don't know if I understood him correctly, but that is what I took from his explanation.

The abuse I suffered included physical pain, as well as emotional and mental trauma.

I only ever met one other consumer who spoke of physical pain. All the doctors he ever saw, psych or medical, claimed it was a symptom of his mental illness. He also was a heavy smoker. But, by the time it was too late in his life, one of the medical doctors discovered he either had terminal cancer or emphysema. By that time, he was admitted to a nursing home and died shortly afterwards. So, in actuality, he suffered all along with a real medical illness that all the professionals claimed was a symptom of his mental illness. It is frustrating to me to realize that some doctors, psychiatrists and medical alike, can actually see physical pain as "psychosis" or "hallucinations."

The extreme bullying I received, which included much physical pain, was a reality in my life. I cannot change that fact, but I still deal with this in my mind every day.

I see a therapist, but the turnover of these professionals, for me, at least, is very cyclic. The longest length of time I have seen a therapist is four years. I had a span of over three months without seeing any professional. Now, the therapist I am seeing is a student who is leaving by August. It seems I must retell and relive my entire life of abuse on a yearly basis due to the turnover rate at this practice. I must somehow deal with this fact also.

Things that are happening where I live now are not conducive for my mental illness, or even my physical illness either. Although, the painful, physical abuse ended in 2008, I suffer from other ailments such as arthritis. I am not even mentioning the flashbacks I frequently suffer from the past, and sometimes newer, abuses I receive(d).

I am coping the best I can, basically on my own, on a day to day basis. I keep telling myself to take one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time, or even one second at a time, if really necessary.

I am stuck and have no other way of handling these situations.

[jaynedough]

Angelique and NeighborsTrigger,
I'm sorry things are so rough for you. Being without proper treatment, whether it be medication or therapist is so not good. I hope things stabilize for you.

Kuras,
I hope your med changes helped.

Cognito,
Your entourage sounds uplifting. Are they always like that?

I'm doing a little better at this moment in time. It might be the pain meds I took with an energy drink. Also, some things I've been worrying about have been straightened out, which is a big relief. Much as I love winter and hate spring, I'm kind of looking forward to warmer temps. I can't afford to heat the whole house and my woodstove pipe needs to be cleaned, so I can't use that, so my dog and I spend a lot of time in the bedroom. I have a fake woodstove space heater there.

[Angelique67]

To follow up from my earlier post, the pdoc at the clinic finally wrote a script for gabapentin (I was down from 3 per day to 1 per day, while I waited for that). I have appointments with both of them in February, which I'm going to keep checking on straight through the morning of the appointments. The clinic has adopted very clumsy new rules, such as the patient initiating the refills at their pharmacy - just realized that makes it more difficult to change pharmacies. Other new procedures also bad, like having to see the therapist, etc.

I'm at work and just filling a chair till I can leave in a little less than a half hour. My illness has been bringing me down, a little more than usual lately. I saw a movie called, "20th century women" recently and it triggered memories from my childhood (in particular my mother who died almost a year ago). The memories made real those years when I was young, and have been reminding me of how alone I felt back then. I'm doing alright, I called my T about it and we talked about it in therapy. Truth is, I think my life has more pieces in place now, than in any other time in my history. I've done a lot of work and received some effective support from coworkers and mental health professionals. My family still seems emotionally aloof, but I have established some consistent communication and will let the rest just fall into place. Tx.

[VanGore28]

I'm halfway through a year long college course and I cant wait till it ends is the truth! I'm managing but its just I get so nervous offering my point of view in class and I don't want to share too much. Plus the people I befriended dropped out too. I think i'm just worried about the final exam as my memory isn't the same as when I did my standard grades I didn't need to try back then. But my condition has changed way I think, I have to try a lot harder. Schizophrenia used to be called praecox dementia and I can see why. When I was on meds that didn't work, it was like losing who you are I could only concentrate to listen to music. Couldn't watch tv or hold a conversation or sleep one wink. I experienced the full brunt of schizoaffective disorder. If I wasn't on meds I would have died from sleep deprivation and this is the truth, no exaggeration - my brain literally could not switch off

[jaynedough]

VanGore,
I applaud your decision to take the course and to stick with it, despite having to deal with sza symptoms.

Sometimes this quote helps me.

I received notice from my landlord that they want to inspect my apartment in about a week and a half. They gave me very short notice that they would be entering to spray for bedbugs, as they did many other apartments in my building. I went to vacume the floor, but the vacume cleaner was not working, and much stuff remained, so I left it. The exterminator reported to my landlord that my apartment needed some work, so they scheduled an inspection. I'm not upset about it, I went out to Sears and bought a new vacume cleaner and have already vacuumed up most of the mess. I just have to move some furniture and vacume there, and also vacume out inside the sofa. My imagination tells me that they might evict me, but I know as long as I clean and make everything tidy, they will not. That's my world.

[jaynedough]

Brookwest,
I love your attitude about the whole thing!

I get so stressed out every time someone even suggests they want to come visit sometime. My home is messy, but it's also my sanctuary from the world.

[jaynedough]

Today I walked further than I felt like walking. Actually, I didn't even feel like going beyond the garage, but my dog and I need the exercise. So I walked. Nowhere near what I used to do, before I got in such bad shape. Then I remembered that when I first started walking many years ago, I had just as much trouble. But that was with shortness of breath. This is weakness. I don't have much feeling in my left leg and it strains other muscles when I walk. My spine is deteriorating and narrowing, which is causing pinched and/or irritated nerves and muscles.

The weakness is only part of it. I'm seriously fatigued from multiple illnesses and the meds I take. Maybe just as bad is the lack of motivation we tend to have from the negative symptoms. But I need to be around for my dog and I won't last much longer in the shape I'm currently in.

When we were walking back, my neighbor's dog came up. He's allowed to run loose. He jumped on me and I kind of yelled, which put my dog on high alert. Then the other dog tried to jump on my back, which really pissed my dog off. My little corgi then tried to mount this big lab (it's a dominance thing), which would've been funny if I wasn't worrying that they were going to start fighting. Anyway, this other dog coming up when we're walking is stressing me out. That and anxiety that I might see one of my neighbors.

I guess the worst part, though, is my impatience. I want to be able to walk farther and faster now. I have to keep reminding myself that Rome wasn't built in a day. That every day I go beyond the garage, or walk to the top of the driveway, or even further, that it's forward progress.

One thing terrifies me. That I tend to get things going and then one day, just stop. For months. I can't afford for that to happen, but it always seems to.

[Illvoices]

so i as well have this muscle weakness problem and its been a drag living with all these voicethoughts, even when i know i could do more and make up my mind in doing more around the house i just shut down and my brain is shot down and i feel the weakness even more than before and its like i cant operate.

I'm waiting for my apartment inspection in a couple of days. I've done a lot of cleaning and the floor looks 100% better. I have to do some dusting and other small stuff. I cleaned the bathroom and kitchen floors and cleaned the tub, sink and toilet. I believe I will pass inspection, but will be relieved when that happens. I do not foresee it not happening, as long as I follow through on the previous commitments. I'll see my psychiatrist in a couple weeks, and hopefully I can reduce the risperdone another bit. I tend to dream more and can follow movies and enjoy music more, when my dosage is low. I believe as long as I continue with support groups and my psychologist and group therapy and can manage self care and appointments and my apartment well, I can go off my psychiatric medication successfully. I am willing to go slow with this. I have a date at the end of this week. I think she is a really cool lady and we really enjoy talking on the phone with each other as well as responding to each others posts on facebook. I'll keep everyone here informed. Thanks...

[Squirrel1983]

I understand the nervousness about apt inspections. I too (when I lived in an apt) was given an inspection based on what the bug men saw. I couldn't do it alnoe, so my step-dad and mom cleaned my apt for me one day when I was at work so that I would pass inspection. A couple months later I went on a spending spree and could no longer afford rent at my apt and had to give it up. I started renting rooms from people since then. I got kicked out of the first room for not keeping it tidy. My landlord now works with me. She never went into my room until the bug man came to spray once and said my room was too cluttered to spray in. She offered to help me clean it, I said I would do it alone. She still does not enter my room, but she will ask is it acceptable. And will warn me when the bugman is coming so I can make it possible to spray in there. She says I deserve better than to live in a mess and that I remind her of her sister who just could not keep tidy and had a cluttered house till the day she died. She always asks if I need help managing it, but I always decline. I don't think she enjoys my room not being kept neat, but at least I still have a roof over my head.

I passed my inspection with my landlord. I am relieved about that. I am going on a date tonight, and I've been connecting with her daily for several days now and I am hopeful that this will be a fun date for both of us. My job is going well and I do not have anything bad to report here. I'm thankful I was able to clean my apartment to pass inspection and it works out well, because if my date wants to visit tonight, my apartment is clean. Strange timing, but I'll take it. I see my psychiatrist in a couple of weeks and hopefully I can reduce the risperdone another bit. I saw my psychologist yesterday and we passed the time pretty effortlessly. It is an important skill to have long conversations with people, without saying something unrelated to the topic of conversation, which used to be my problem.

[Squirrel1983]

Well, I went to work today and forgot about the Trump rally until I saw people already lined up outside the airport at 8:15 am (rally was at 5, gates opened at 3). I took another route home when I got off at 6.

When I get home, the lady I rent a room from said we needed to talk about my room. I thought oh crap. She said she felt bad entering it, but she smelled something fowl when she walked by. It was pretty bad. She asked if I needed help cleaning it. That would feel weird and an invasion of privacy, so I declined and said I would get to it tonight and tomorrow night after work and finish up on Monday when I am off from my weekday job. She asked if I was sure I didn't want her help. I declined again. At least she is being nice about it. I just hope I can keep it clean. I am so bad at that.

I have already taken out 4 bags of trash (old mail, packing material from boxes of items shipped to me, empty soda bottles and cans, plastic shopping bags, etc). Lots of clutter. I also need to vacuum, but it is almost 11pm so too late for that, plus I need to finish decluttering and cleaning first. I hate my inability to do things that other people can do that are things that I should be able to do.