Paranoia about telling details?

Does anyone else get paranoia about giving the details of what goes on for you? Is this a part of the illness or just sound judgement perhaps. I had many things happen recently which my husband says are delusions and part of my illness. I mostly believe him but I can't tell my doctor or even write here anonymously about it. My fear is that it will be used to torment me. If my doctor is a sociopath or puts this information in my file, I feel it could be used to torment me in the future. If I write about it here, people can use the details to tailor make a torture experience. Do you understand my logic or relate to it? I've been told it's important to tell my doctor everything, but if this gets in the wrong hands I'm screwed. I've told my doctor vague aspects which I hope are good enough and my husband knows about pretty much all of it. Is this sufficient? I'm still in the episode and still increasing my meds slowly so perhaps I won't feel so secretive about it later? Can anyone relate or weigh in on this? (((Hugs)))

Well, if I had told my parents that I had driven the car over 115 MPH--Would let me continue using the car?
If I told them I had SI--Would they have let me go to a university 210 miles away? If I had been treated for MI--Would I have been accepted into AFROTC?
Sometimes things we say can be used against us....it is not all paranoia.

Are you diagnosed schizoeffective hoping? I can see keeping secrets in your situation as you are protecting yourself to allow yourself to do certain things and live a fuller life. In my situation it's a bit different I feel. But I think the core of what you are saying indicates I have good reason to be concerned and I appreciate your honesty. I'm taking the medications and they do know about what I feel is important for them to know. My delusions were rather specific, telling me why people do what they do to me and telling me what will happen if I tell anyone other than my hubby so I think I will trust my gut. My husband says it's all delusions and while some of it undoubtedly has to be and I'm clear enough to see that, some of it is undeniably real. There is just this part of me that wants to share it....to get it all out and hear I'm not alone in having these experiences....but the consequences are too dire. Best to be silent.

I am diagnosed with a mood disorder and depression. I am on the bipolar spectrum but not sure how far. I hate taking things that help my anxiety because they impact my ability to think (and I consider myself average and way to absentminded as it is). I sleep 6 hours a night (mostly, once in a while I get more) but when I have anxiety issues due to deadlines or worries--less than that for a few days at a time. Sometimes I have paranoia (not that often) and when I do, some part of my fear is based on the truth--paranoia is 10-90 percent reality and the rest of it is our imagination. Sometimes, I easily get caught up in other peoples problems and some workplaces have taken advantage of this (I get "gung ho" and work overtime--how silly in retrospect.). Of course, I do not see things that are not there (psychosis). If you are not going to self harm (you are so sweet, I would hate for you to make your pain worse) then I think it is usually best to continue to gather evidence and study (books/internet) the situation you are concerned about until you are sure about what you should do........

I rarely take anxiety meds myself and now they aren't prescribed to me so I won't be able to. I worry about taking anything that reduces my already reduced facilities also. I used to be rather intelligent and I think I still am in some ways but learning new information has been very challenging for me for many years now. Even things I really care about learning. Too much pot and beer perhaps. Too much psychosis damaging my brain maybe. I don't fully know. I'm so sorry you were taken advantage of at work .....after working overtime and everything! That is just sad and how very pitiful of them to do that to you. Do you feel rested after 6 hours or always feel in a tired daze? No, my delusions were rather specific about not harming myself this time. I'm safe in that regard but if I don't improve mentally I can't imagine going on so there is that to contend with. I need to learn strategies for dealing with this curse I think. I need to learn to trust enough to make some friends .....I'm not religious but feel church might be my only option to meet the kind of people I'm looking to meet. There is hope right now. My anxiety is a killer though.....it's keeping me running in place all the time. I used to smoke pot and it helped but now makes it worse so I'm kinda stuck on what to do. I expect much more from myself than I've been able to accomplish in a long, long time. Maybe church will help.....maybe it really will. I don't have to believe everything to get something out of it but I feel my going would be dishonest. Maybe I will just be open and explain my real reasons for going and someone will accept me (not take pity on me but really accept me). I don't know....I need to do something and doctors can only do so much.

Prayer helped me through an extremely rough night this year. It's like my belief is stronger when I am down and out. Lately, I pray that my faith will be strengthened. I have always struggled with doubts. It's like sometimes a person's love and sadness is as big as the universe so to feel so much there must be an infinite power/energy behind it all. Something greater than we are born and just return to dust. People who are sincere and without ego would be accepting of your honesty and desire to grow and find your way in this life. I think your current faith is a reasonable place to start--none of us have exactly the same view--I think you should give it a try....

I have trouble explaining my symptoms orally, but I can write my experiences down usually. I use that as a tool during pdoc sessions when I don't feel comfortable talking.

My birthday is Angel numbers talking to me. I've always known there was something in Those numbers. I'm going to try church as soon as I can settle on one to try out. It may take trying a few to find the one that clicks or the people I click with. All but the most devout have doubts so perhaps I will even meet someone whose thoughts on the subject align with my own.

I have a hard time articulating some experiences too Franz. But what I'm speaking of is different. I had a very intense episode this time. Very intense. I was given information that completely changed my whole outlook on myself, the world, the people I share this world with. Everything I once thought I knew has been altered in significant ways. My husband says this will all go away and is just the nature of being delusional but I really think it's more than that. I'm just afraid the info will be used against me but people on this board have told me to be open and to tell my doctor everything so he can best help me. Can I avoid specifics and speak in generalities while still being true to this advise?

I always speak generally. Probably not the best idea but if I don't want to freak people out and get sent IP that's what I have to do. I'm as general as I am on this board sometimes more general.

Not being married I have no one who knows my delusional thoughts deeply and I don't tell docs cause I'm afraid it would change my diagnosises from BP. Plus I think it would change how people act around me. When I'm stable I wonder how I could have thought that but then there's part of me that still holds on to those beliefs. I wonder what the true reality is. My meds are working now and I don't feel that I need to share these thoughts and concerns with anyone..........makes me feel lonely and isolated sometimes though all that wondering.

(((Hugs))). I'm so sorry and my heart goes out to you. You can PM ME ANYTIME .....I truly promise I'm a good listener, non judgmental and would always have your best interests at heart. My husband was a mental health professional so I am luckier than I deserve to have him to confide in. With my trust issues, I feel he was sent to me specifically to help me through. I help him through with some of his specific issues also. Feeling lonely and isolated is so hard. I truly extend my hand to you in friendship and want you to know you can write me anytime if your mi d will allow you to share. I know sharing can be difficult.

Miguel's Mom, I think I will continue to be vague and just touch on key points or say I'm symptomatic. I'm not currently a danger to myself and I think that is the only needed info my doc needs regarding actual specifics. I can get the point across without being specific and I think that's actually the healthier and safer route. When I give too much information, I do get treated different and then I resent them having that information so best not to share it unless I'm a danger to myself. Some of the stuff that happened recently did make me momentarily a danger to myself but my husband helped me reach out for help and my bed increases are working which is the most important thing.

(((Hugs to Nammu and Miguel's Mom)))

i dunno. im learning not to tell shrinks too much, because i had shrinks who tormented me (involuntary shock 'treatments,' anyone? ugh...).

these days, i take the psych drugs i need to stay out of a hospital and not waste my life. that's about the extent of it. psychiatrists kinda bother me. i mean, they're doctors, right? why should a doctor--who is trained to treat --medical problems-- force their value system on me? and define me? and construct a narrative and tell --me-- my life story?

sorry. i guess im saying...i understand your caution. i dont think its paranoia. i think as long as you're medicated enough to stay stable-ish, you can be more cautious about what you tell your psychiatrist and other mental health 'professionals'.

((just my opinion, of course...))

i am also afraid to express and have a hard time expressing myself oraly too. i have secrets i live with that i know the responses i would get. Negative ones. i wrote journals but stopped a few years ago. it did help although.good luck!

I have explained my symptoms to several friends over the years, and sometimes they ask for more details while other times they don't ask. Psychosis is a really strange illness, because it is based on reality but deviates all around the place. I am pretty sure I am not really receiving a Nobel Prize, and it seems clear that 9/11 really happened, and on and on. But there are days, most days actually, when the delusions are in charge, and I run around in a dream world.

There is always a risk that some unscrupulous person could use your MI experiences against you, if you share in a forum like this one, but I think that's pretty rare.

Sounds like you have a good husband there ElsaMars. It is good to have a safe person to talk with. I have had different experiences with different councilors and doctors as far as trust goes. I guess you just have to get a feel for them first and go from there. Maybe your husband could give you some advice or possible go with you.
I met this guy online about 12 years ago who turned out to be really a good councilor for me. He didn't have a degree in psychology but had did a lot reading and research. He wrote a book that I came across and his theory really rang true to me when I looked back at some of the content of my psychotic episodes. I found his website and emailed him and we got to be pretty good online friends. He passed away about a year and a half ago unfortunately. My therapy now consist of mainly reading books. I guess there is a term for it called Bibliotherapy.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bibliotherapy

I don't mean to offend anyone, but I heard kind of a humorous saying a while back;

The difference between a madman and a mystic is the mystic knows who not to tell.

I'm pretty sure it's rare too but certain things I just will not share and I think that is ok. I think I will tell my doctor about most of it but not all as I just cannot gather that kind of trust right now. Maybe in the future perhaps. Hopefully I won't have another break.....I'm staying on my meds now. I was told some rather important stuff recently and I do feel it's not all delusions either but nobody can know for sure in matters like these so all that matters in the end is how I feel about them. They don't harm me or others so it don't matter either way if they are true or not but I really wish there was some measurable way to know for sure.

I like that quote! Good stuff! My husband really is wonderful and it was fate that we met. It was destined and I prayed for exactly him in such specifics.....there is no way around it being fated. My husband will support my decision either way but feels strongly I should tell my doctor about everything, sparing no details. I'm still unsure. Some of it I need to I think but it's okay to keep some things private as long as it's not overly dangerous to do so. Thanks for your reply and for listening. (((Hugs)))

In my experience, there were times when I didn't share everything with everyone because of (poisoning) paranoid delusions. I did not want "responsible" parties alerted. Other times of heightened delusions, I did not share pertinent info because I "knew" EVERYONE was in on the whole conspiracy; so, it was pointless to be redundant. (Besides which--they could read my mind.)

Even in relatively stable circumstances though, Elsa, your point is well taken. Sharing too much may mean being hospitalized against our will. Once you have confided in the wrong person, it is more than possible that everyone within that person's sphere of contacts is told. Therefore, those who endeavor to keep their medical conditions private discover the whole world knows--meaning most will never look at us the same again.

Numbers have taken on a new significance for me, too. It can be exhausting trying to decipher all the messages and their meaning. I order my brain to cease to no avail. Also, seeing specific numbers--sometimes birth dates or birth years--immediately brings images of special people in my life to mind. That was never the case before.

As far as religion, it played a major role most of my life until my psychotic break. Overnight, I no longer believed, and was shocked I ever had. I DO believe there is order and meaning to all this. Desire to understand all the intricacies of life's ultimate meaning contributes to my mind's constant chaos.

Whatever you choose to do, how I hope it brings you peace. I definitely share your view of always taking what good you can from a situation and leaving the rest.

Thanks for "bibliotherapy."

I loved the joke, and if others "know what's good for them" they will, as well. The field of Psychoneuroimmunology endorses Therapeutic Humor--the mind healing the body. Of course, one man's joke is another man's insensitive barb, so you're on your own in that regard.

Seriously, nothing has ever been as consistently effective for me as humor.

ElsaMars;

I mentioned in an earlier post that I have several MI friends who I share details of my illness with. This year I am writing a mental illness memoir with some of my experiences getting laid down in black and white for the first time. I asked my friends, "Should I mention episodes of violence in my illness?" One friend warned me to not say anything I don't want coming back at me, and the other said, "Go for it; tell the real story and show readers how psychosis works."

I have decided to try out the truth in the early draft, and then scale back as self-protection kicks in. I don't mind breaking ground in areas that everyone else finds unpalatable, but then there is just antagonizing people for shock value, and what good is that?

If you are worried that some of your MI experiences could come back to haunt you, then by all means keep them to yourself. My voices say such incredibly ugly things that I know sharing them will cost me friendships and family ties and would probably get me sued. It's not "spilling secrets," it's psychosis saying horrible things. But a lot of people don't separate psychosis from reality; to these people, if you are hearing voices, they are reality. They are revealing not symptoms but your inner reality. This leads to very strange conversations about the nature of reality; if planes slam into Twin Towers, did that happen in the real world, or in your psyche? Etc.

I share my details with my social worker and anyone who asks. It's ok.

Ever since the beginning, all I could tell anyone, even my doctor is that the voices don't let me talk about it. Trying to tell anyone makes them so much worse.