Think I'm Going To Die

Thanks,

I've tried taking pictures, before, but got nothing clear, but I got something cool, last night - I'll try and post it.

Going to show my doctor as well.

http://s77.photobucket.com/albums/j6...nt=CAMERA1.mp4

Skip to 1:20, it's something to do with the cameras, I was looking for them. but didn't see any, but I got that instead.

Thanks for sharing that with us, Kureha... I can imagine you feel very frightened when it's dark like that, especially if you're alone in the house. I did notice that there were light artefacts in the video, spheres and reflections. Try not to be too frightened though. We're all looking out for you.

It was from the camera to freak me out, it's too easy,
It's cool though because my doctor won't mind that I've stopped my meds now and he won't mention hospital anymore, we can probably go to the police soon and not cover it up.

I'll stop posting for a while probably boring everyone.

I don't really see anything on that video. I don't know what you think you are seeing, but the video doesn't show anything. You really shouldn't stop your meds before your doctor gives you permission and instructions.

You can definitely see it.
I see my doctor on Thursday anyway.

Tell us how it goes with your doctor on Thursday.

((((KUREHA)))) hugs. I hope the appointment goes well and remember to listen to him. Update us all... I am sending positive energy for you.

Kureha, I concur with the excellent response from wolfsong. I feel strongly that you will not die, and that this may be one of those times when that which we fear simply does not materialize. I believe this, my dear friend. Your mam can and will protect you when you go out. I know how hard it is to take meds and how easy it is to believe that you don't need them. And if they are not working, then you don't need them, you need some different ones. I know that the reality of what you fear is strong, but I don't believe that anyone will harm you. I hope that you will tell your doctor and nurses of your scary perceptions. I don't like going to hospital either, but sometimes new treatment or regular treatment can ease the fears. Keep positive, and I am sending positive thoughts in your direction.

It went okay with my doctor - he increased my meds and said I should have called him to tell him I had stopped taking them - because it could have made things worse.

I told him everything - probably too much actually.

I'm scared to take the medication, I have my doctor and nurse and parents telling me I should take it, my nurse tells me it isn't real, but I know it is, but if I listen to her and I take it and nothing changes, then I know I'll be never get them to stop.

The meds are like my back up just in case.

Oh,sweety I am so worried about you.I'm afraid of you not taking the meds.I just don't want you to need to be hospitalized.Is there a way for you to compromise a little bit?

Thanks,
I'm going to call my doctor on Monday to tell him - I can't take them - he'll be ok with it , I think.

He should be when I tell him why.

There's some proof of it - totally explains what happened to me.

http://areyoutargeted.com/2010/11/tr...l-illness-old/

Interesting site. Can you figure out a way to have a more normal life despite being gang stalked? Is it necessary to convince others? Maybe you can find ways of making yourself feel safe and just move forward. I know it would be nice to have other people acknowledge the fear you live with everyday and not tell you it's not real.

If you weren't being gang stalked, what would you be doing with your life? What are your hopes, dreams, and goals? Maybe you can move toward those goals inspite of the fear?

Well I'm hopefully going to college this year - so I can get to uni.

They don't want that though, since I'll be alone , it would probably be a perfect time for them. They'll only be around the college, the security is very lax, they'll be watching me the whole time by linking up with the cameras at the college.

If I went out and didn't care - they'd only do something about it to make me care, they've been trying to control me the last few days - just because I lied to my nurse and told her I didn't care, they wre listening and did something about it.

There is only 2 ways to stop it and that's to destroy them or suicide - that's the 2 options.

I'm glad you're going to college. I know it's going to be really scary for you, but I think you should fight that fear and go out anyway. I know I've quoted Eleanor Roosevelt to you before, but it's worth repeating: "You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do."

This is your challenge and your gift, Kureha. Every day you face that fear, you grow stronger. And for those days when the fear overwhelms you, remember Scarlett O'Hara's words: "Tomorrow is another day."

If I were you it would help me to remind myself that I'm not alone, that there are people all over the world who are living in difficult and terrifying circumstances. It would help me to sit each morning before leaving the house and draw strength and inspiration from them. They're your brothers and sisters in the struggle not to let bad circumstances crush you.

What did they do?

I don't agree. There are more than two options. There are hundreds or thousands of options. The fear is constricting your thinking. Fear does that to you. It focuses your attention so narrowly on its object that you can't see the bigger picture.

Try and find a spot where you'll feel safe for a few minutes, sit and take a few breaths, and imagine yourself surrounded and filled with openness and relaxation. Imagine your attention widening. Right now it's focused like a laser beam on your tormentors and what they'll do next to hurt you. Try to imagine that laser beam light softening and widening to take in other things. If you can relax your mind and your heart, you may start seeing those other options. You can take a few minutes to relax a bit.

Thanks it'll only be about 2 hours a week though, I went for extra pressure (so the uni says) instead of 4 days a week.

I asked the psychologist I used to see if I could see her just before college starts - just so I don't just go back home.

Quotes are good - MCR saved my life though - they have a song or quote for everything, my doctor and nurses didn't care I wanted to die - I was just selfish. MCR understood though, without them I probably wouldn't be here.

All the other people just remind me it doesn't stop - some one has been having it happen over 20 years.

They've just been trying to control my thoughts - they've done it before - but it wasn't as strong this time.
Thanks - I'll try and relax - sometimes I suck at those kind of things - I failed therapy because I couldn't do the things she said.

Oh, Kureha, you didn't fail at therapy. You just haven't hit on the right solution for you yet. You'll find the answer for you.

Costelo's exactly right... therapy isn't a test that you get graded for. If it didn't work then it wasn't right for you. Therapy can be very difficult, and not always very helpful. You'll find something.

I don't want it to sound like my psychologist wasn't awesome - because she is.

She helped a lot with the OCD and gave me loads of support, but tried to change my thinking of something that is true, I can't just pretend it isn't.

Anyway I think I might quit seeing my doctor and nurse after the next time they come, my nurse said I have circular conversations with her - so may as well.

I think that when a patient has fixed ideas that don't appear to the therapist to be real, then it's very difficult for talk therapy to help. You can't blame the patient or the therapist for that, it's just the way it is.

All the people who are telling you that your feelings of persecution aren't real, mean the best for you. They're trying to persuade you, because they care, and they hate to see you unhappy and frightened.

In the mean time, it probably feels overwhelming to have people lecture you about reality, when it feels like you're being attacked, persecuted and followed. I know how bad I felt before things got better.

Your therapist probably is amazing, and I'm glad she helped you with OCD. But your other problems are more difficult to deal with, because you see the world differently from all those who care about you. They're trying to make you see things the way they do, and don't realise that it won't work. You need a different sort of help, and I do think that if you don't give up, you'll find that help. Just remember, they're on your side. And so are we.

In any event Kureha,you need to be advised that a form of support toward you must be in place,so that if you become worried ,or frightened,or need to share thoughts with someone,or aquire medication,you will be able to do so.This is essential in your ability to remain without hospital being a necessary move.I am unsure why she (your nurse) felt it was a good idea to point out if the conversations were circular,I mean we can get very stuck in the loops of our illnesses.This is very typical.With respect to your thinking being true or not,it certainly 'feels' true ....to you...even if others do not verify that for you...so,either way you are feeling 'stuck' with these concerns.With that in mind,the nurse should not really concern herself with the loop that you go back to the previous.Moreso the aim should be at giving you the skills to cope,contacts you may need to have if you become very afraid,helping you to eat and care for your body so that you can function a bit more smoothly,and perhaps assist you in having places to go for sociality,where you can feel safe ,comfortable,and not alienated.Mgran sounds spot-on to me.Whens the last time you did something that brought you pleasure,like watching something humorous,or enjoying music,or played a game....anything that may distract you,or cheer you?Honestly sweetie,if this psychologist is 'awesome'.....please keep going.Because the most important thing is to have a system of support that you feel is useful.(((((Safe hugs if ok...and no hugs if scary)))))~WO.olf~

Is MCR My Chemical Romance? What quotes from them do you like?

I'm going to keep seeing my doctor and nurse, it just feels like they are on their side and not mine, my nurse wouldn't even go undercover for me
I'm still going to phone my doctor tomorrow - I don't like the receptionist though.
My friend believes me about all this - so I don't know why they won't. It's all over the internet - gang stalking is a huge thing - everything I've been talking about has been mentioned by other people.

Yeah hugs are cool

Yeah My Chemical Romance, Gerard is always saying something important, I like these,

Be yourself, believe in yourself and don't take anybodies f**kin s**t