Roll call

..im not leaving my dad i cant.
hes 65 and he has a life behind him
my mother is like bpd style kind of person she cleaned my dad out and divorced him when i was 15. took everything. im all he has too. i mean i was there when we were practically homeless. he got cleaned out by my mom and we had enough money fpr a new house to move but not enough for water/electrical for a few months. we slept in the house with 0 furniture no bed for some months. all we had were 3 flashlights and some fans. the clothes we had on. a few blankets. not even lighting. when it got dark it got dark. extended family helped halfway until my dad worked enough to buy a bed. and turn on water and lights. this was all in 2008. maybe why i had 4 hospital stays and then got sent to residential.

hes all i have.
im all he has.

...then he almost dies. twice. in 2010 and 2011...
i cant let him die...
ok.

its just..idk.
i just got informed that i might be dropped from insurance.
i cant leave my dad...
cant..

..i cant leave him like this..ok...

Then having an income of your own might help?

yea

..im just sensitive about that
because my mom manipulated too me in childhoold and still does'
my mother was never around. ever.
she tried a few times to actually physcially abuse me but she became scared of ME at a young age. idk why.
i used to think she was a socio/psychopath honestly when i learned about psychology but its more bpd style manipulation. she has some serious bpd style issues. i think caused by instability in her own young life. she was reckless. and a goldigger as she got older.
shes so extremely manipulative..
its very very scary. and it has gone to legal instances for people involved with her in her life. she lies lies lies lies lies.

It sounds like you have a tough situation there, newtus. Lots of challenges. And your support network is very thin. That's why I wish you'd reach out and find some help. I know you hate mental health professionals, but they're not all cut from the same cloth. If you shop around a bit - and stop making shocking violent comments - you might actually find someone who could help you get your feet under you. And, frankly, you can be of more support to your father if you're healthier.

i dont understand?

Maybe I'm remembering wrong. Didn't you say some alarming things to your last therapist that frightened her?

about me killing my hamsters?
idk if it did.
she made no expression.
she thought i was lying
but i wasnt.
thats part why i stopped seeing her.
that was something that bothered me that i did
and wanted to address.
she didnt believe me
because it was too out there?
well whos going to help me with it?
maybe she doesnt hear that a lot idk but there are some people out there like that.i am one. sorry to say. i said it because i wanted to get rid of thoughts of hurting people. so i have those thoughts. yea. i do have them. i wish that wasnt so shocking. see because now i have to keep it to myself. to be blunt thats not good for anyone not just me.

I think you should be able to talk to a therapist about these kinds of things. That's not what I was thinking of. I remember you saying that your therapist was backing away from you for some reason. You created the impression that she was afraid of you. That was what I was thinking of.

I'm sorry your therapist had no expression when you shared those things. That doesn't sound too empathetic.

newtus:

This is the post that made me think you had frightened the therapist: http://forums.psychcentral.com/showp...9&postcount=11

You said you were afraid she would have the police come to your next appointment. That's all I meant. If you find a therapist you feel comfortable working with, you shouldn't hesitate to discuss these memories you have that bother you. I was only remembering some posts from six months ago when you seemed to indicate that you have acted aggressively towards the therapist.

wow.
i said that.
i suppose they were aggresive but i said that i agreed with that shooter is what i said.
was nothing towards her.
yea i get really jumpy when i get angry.
and its really only about society.
i think my jumpyness and arm movement made her backup. thats all.
i have a tendency to come off either very aggressive or very aloof.
im so so far from aggressive.
i think its how i learned to interact with people
im extremely direct and can get inpatient.
but the feeling of anger is not usually there.
that time i did get angry but it wasnt towards her. or any person.

I'm glad. I really think if you found someone you could sit down with and talk through these issues, you'd make so much progress. Doesn't have to be a therapist. A spiritual mentor might be a better idea?

I admire your loyalty to your dad. Family's hugely important to me.

Here. Really sad and anxious. Horribly unsettled sleep and I kept waking up because I'm so angry about my life.

Doing a bit better today. Saw the GP for sinusitis. He wanted to give me cortisone, but that tends to make psychosis flare up, so no thanks. Penicillin ok.
I have no idea whether I'm hypomanic, slightly depressed or even in an episode at all. Just all over the show and confused. But that's fine. 3 good things have already happened to me today.

Got to put my nose to the grindstone for the next few days, so I'll catch up on how everyone is doing over the weekend. L8R
TS

yeaaa
that wouldnt happen.
ive never gone into so much detail online
let alone real life.
including therapy.
i dont think i ever will.

im going back over psychic abilities
i bent and stopped time last night.
i tested it over and over again.
i heard some things that didnt sound right
i immediately thought of telepathy
or someone diverting me through coded messages.
i heard something say
"these kids are homosexually saved"
and
"lay off the rangers, lay off the grasshoppers"

sounds coded.
ive been trying to figure it out
i heard other stuff too.
someone telling me i need to be quiet
and shut up
said im ruining everything
that they were gonna kill me if i said anymore.

i think ive said too much.
i dont think i wan to goto cmh anymore.

some really f**ked up s**t has been happening too.
this morning the tv turned on in my living room.
also changed channels and i heard noise like someone getting up.
at first i thought it was my father
but then i went in and not only the remote was in the same place it has been but he was deep asleep.
it didnt add up. the timing either between when i thought i heard him and seeing him fast asleep and with some other stuff.
im genuinely flipped out.

Here.

im confused.
are you giving me the finger?

lol... I think you know that's a wave, newtus. And it's aimed at the world in general.

The finger! Like they'd have a smiley for that!

i know now.
i put my pointer on it.
look real close it holds up a finger.

trying to have a better day today.

Well, my eyesight isn't as good as it once was, but it looks like a thumb being held up there at the end. Maybe it's hitchhiking?

i feel at extreme severe odds with the outside world today.

I feel that way sometimes too.

Maybe you can try to do the opposite action of anger. Normally anger makes you want to attack or lash out. Opposite action would be to gently avoid or be kind.

i dont feel any anger.
i feel fear.
im not an angry person naturally.
im naturally fearful though.

i just want everyone to stay away
because im afraid of people.