Trig) Not doing as well as I thought

I am so angry at my mother - I e-mailed her last night about having a bad exam (didn't even mention the panic) and she just said for me to drug myself. It's the only way she can think, telling me to drug myself, and I'm really afraid she'll dismiss how I feel just because she thinks I'm mentally ill.
I rang the crisis hotline here because I was so distressed, and even that lady said I should just go drug myself and told me that obviously I need the drugs because I'm so "depressed".
Everywhere, people tell me I'm mentally ill. I'M NOT MENTALLY ILL. I am more accomplished and educated than most "normal" people will ever be, and I did it all on my own in the face of extreme torture and abuse. No wonder I'm a wee bit unhappy at times. My "psychosis" has nothing to do with it whatsoever. I've been psychotic for as long as I can remember but I have always been capable - except for the years I was drugged. And yet, all anybody can see about me is this "illness" my abusers said I have.

No one has ever called me mentally ill before.

I don't ring helplines - I rang the NHS helpline just to ask something - she insulted my psychologist - that ended the call fast and she never answered my question.

Yeah everybody calls me mentally ill. I'm not entirely clear why.
I never ring hotlines, except when I'm in a really bad way. The nicest boyfriend I ever had was a Samaritan, he left me to become a monk but we're still good friends. There are a few very very nice people at that helpline, but the rest are idiots.

And yeah, I rang the NHS helpline once and told them I was bleeding out of my eye socket and all they said was, "That's impossible unless you've had head trauma." It's so wholly useful to be told that the blood coming out of your eyeball is 'impossible'. Turns out I'd scratched the underside of my eyelid trying to put in contacts. :eyeroll:

My coworker called ask a nurse, because her newborn son had an erection. She didn't know baby boys got erections, so she was alarmed when it swoll up. True story!

Sorry your mom's pushing the pills over the bad day. I've watched people prep for the bar for 15 years now. Most of them look a little wild-eyed when the exam gets closer. Fear does that to people.

It's always a waste of time calling anyone, was only 1 person that ever helped for me - although my my nurse did help 1 time.

What a story over my morning porridge :P Glad I wasn't having my usual banana (dipped in PB).

Yeah. My mother has never really done anything stressful or high-achieving in her life, so I don't think she fully gets it. She seemed to think that not getting an offer to Oxford for a master's degree was a sign that I'm becoming ever more unwell. :eyeroll:

I'm sorry you feel that way. I do too, but I don't want to. I want there to be someone I can call.

I do get to see the therapist later, though. In fact, in an hour. He at least lets me sort my own **** out and doesn't want me drugged.

It's good your therapist is like that.

My therapy days are over.

I think my therapist is good for me because he's an old hippie acid-head leftover from the 60s. I mean, hallucinations and paranoia are a way of life for him. :eyeroll:
But then he sold out to the man and got two PhDs.

lol - my psychologist was so awesome, she always knew what to say.

Aw, I'm sorry you lost her then.
My therapist doesn't usually know what to say, but he knows well enough that all he can do is listen and that he can't fix my problems. He also knows psychiatry is a load of ********.

lol - the psychologist I used to see what against meds.

Yeah mine is too. I basically don't associate with people who think psych drugs are a good thing.

My psychologist - which if she isn't a fake is very much alive, always said the people that say they don't need meds are usually the people that do. That fits with Gerard as well.

I always say I don't need meds, because I don't need meds. In fact, I say the so-called 'meds' aren't actually medications, but tranquillisers.
Bully for people if they help, but let's not pretend it's anything other than another coping mechanism like alcohol or pot or sugar or any other psychoactive chemical.

She just wants to help - she never left because I wouldn't take them.

Yay, therapist time.

I saw the therapist. He wasn't helping me with my problems so we drank tea and talked about Foucault and body odour.

I was telling him about how in one hospital they made me give in all my clothes, including my underwear, then gave me a gown and robe that didn't cover me very well. And I hate going without a bra. And the male patients really liked that I was braless and always tried to touch my nipples through the gown.
Now I can't get that thought out of my head. What were the doctors trying to achieve by stripping me and letting crazy old men fondle me?

Madness: The Invention Of An Idea...

f**king amazing.

Yeah, I'm a huge fan of Foucault. Have you read any Szasz or R.D. Laing?

I feel borderline horrible for you having been around for my recent breakdowns & yet I'm not there for yours... I hope by now you've recovered at least a little bit. :/

Honestly, I wish I knew what to tell you. Although it doesn't feel like it right now, your responses show incredible clarity as time has progressed. So you're getting the tiniest bit better as you carry on. It's not going to last forever, though it definitely ****ing feels like it. *hug*

As for psychotic PMS? EVERY ****ING MONTH. No joke. About a week, week & a half before my period... I lose base with reality, my mood episodes start up in one direction or the other, & it doesn't cease until maybe the last day before it ends. ****ing weird, but you're not the only one.

Don't worry about that, eh?

I always knew I was psychotic and I knew what I was saying wasn't logical, I was just also angry. I should maybe have turned it off. I can normally do that.

Well, that's a dull comfort at least.

*hugs*

I'm much the same way in usually being able to control the way I convey myself to others, at least. But unfortunately... Sometimes, you just need to do what's easiest. Loosening the reigns a little bit isn't going to kill you! And at least it's here. Semi-anonymous & no one can lock you up for the strange thoughts that spew forth sometimes. : )

Yeahhhh. Not totally comforting, since it's not like my admission is some magical cure or anything. But I've always been curious as to how hormones would make such a vast & unrelated psychological response?

Hm.

I'm going off to disappear & figure out something to do. Been having a really trippy day today. Last night I thought that everything around me was a movie. I saw the cigarette burns, film scratches, & heard a projector rolling... That was kind of cool, actually. And today I'm just feeling reclusive & like I have something important to say, but I'm not sure what.

Take care dear. xx