Trig) Not doing as well as I thought

Oh I just had a thought. A related thought, I mean . . . I have thoughts altogether too often.
Except for a husband, everything I really want is changing the past. I really want to not have been in psychiatry. I really want not to have a diagnosis. I really want to still be a virgin. (Actually that's the other time I've been suicidal . . . realising I would never be a virgin again.) I really want to have got my law degree in three years and not six.

Actually earlier I was wishing that I had never learned English, too. I had this really overwhelming feeling that my life would have been better had I not.

I do too! Which is why I used ranch dressing... Until the ****ing milk thing. And I still eat cheese sometimes. But my joints cramp up & I feel like my stomach is trying to work its way out through the front of my abdomen!! Eh. Hahahaha

LMAO Idk. Having a penis might be nice on occasion. Having to pee without sitting on a vile public toilet seat would be a lot less complicated! But I can't imagine strutting about an extra appendage like that... It oftentimes reminds me of those specials you see on medical channels about the people with parasitic twins. XD

He is SEEEEEEEEEEERIOUSLY one of a kind. I don't know how he puts up with it!! But I am so grateful he does. He's not a cheating, misogynistic ingrate like everyone else I've ever been with. He's not whiny or clingy or trying to run my life for me. Sometimes I worry that he has some scary ulterior motive for tolerating me... It's usually the crazy talking, but the other half of me can still barely fathom it. I have strange luck, I guess!

Well just envision going to the store or some other crowded place. Roughly about 70% of the people you're stuck in the aisles with are anthropomorphic, walking genitals... I think I went too far with that one, but I'm feeling silly!! >_>

And dear. *hugs* We all wish we could change the past. But we just have to go with what we've got & make the best of it... You never could have known years ago that all of your experience would have lead you up to this. You can't blame yourself for your decisions from the past. And I'm sure you'll have your golden day once you're done paying off those ****ing debts & can live the way you'd love to.

My god, I just listened to this and he's so right. I can identify with so much in that . . . like, almost everything.
Except as in all these things, I always get out feeling like I still have no answers.

Yeah dairy makes me feel like my stomach is getting tied into a knot. It hurts!!

You need stronger thigh muscles, lady!! And uhm . . . I imagine having a penis is a lot like having breasts, but lower down. And I spend a lot of time trying to work this kind of **** out in my mind.

Thumbs up for your other half!

I've uhm . . . never been quite that psychotic.

It's not that I don't want to go on, it's that I can't figure out how or why. I know it doesn't make any sense but when I lost my virginity (it was rape . . . I've only been raped) I actually couldn't figure out how people "do life" without being virgins. I still haven't, actually. I still haven't figured out how people living with a diagnosis. Like, why bother? Life's mostly just a pile of ****, drugs, hospitals and discrimination after you get a label.

I know what you mean... I get like that often. But my life is full of counterexamples, which I suppose is my constant motivation. My Mother, most of the people I've ever known, the serial killers in the media. They are all my motivation to keep myself under control. To keep going on. To prove myself. Not everyone can succeed ALL of the time, but there is no harm in trying!
And your issue with virginity is obviously on account of asexuality & rape & whatnot. But everyone has their strange beliefs about themselves, life, etc. That's certainly not one of the strangest! Virginity was never an issue for me. But then again, I'm at the total opposite end of the spectrum than you are on that ordeal, so my input is highly inappropriate lol.
Once I get my diagnosis confirmed? I'm not sure if I'll feel any different. A word over your head doesn't define anything. At least it's closure... The direction in which you take it is purely your own. Would I prefer not to have this burden on myself & the people I surround myself with? Of ****ing course!! But I treat everything as a learning experience. Some sort of macrocosmic lesson. It helps me live in peace with my life, which is ****** by most standards. I'm unnaturally optimistic about these things! I don't know when it started, I don't know why, but it has helped indefinitely... It's insane what perspective is capable of altering.

I don't even think it's entirely that. It's like my brain just does a full logic stop. I don't even understand what life looks like after people lose their virginity (generally, not just mine). It's something that does not (and probably will never) make any sense to me. I just deactivated all social engagement after the rape because not only does it seem pointless, it seems . . . irrelevant.

I just felt angry. How dare they label me??

Sadly, it does -- often in ways you don't understand until later. Do you know how many professions you get excluded from? A surprising number, including (at least where I am) teaching, anything to do with the army (and not just the bits involving guns/fighting/going abroad . . . even things like procurement officers), so many posts in the government (anything requiring security clearance). It shows up on my criminal record even though I have no history of criminal behaviour and have never been accused of a crime, never mind convicted. I even find it difficult to get treated for general physical illness - like I haven't been able to get a doctor's note to explain my illness (fever and vomiting) last week - because they always blame it on my "mental problems".

The label is far worse than any of the symptoms. It justifies all kinds of hidden and damaging discrimination. As soon as I get money, I plan to sue to have the diagnosis rescinded and my medical records censured so the psychiatric history doesn't appear. It's going to cost me thousands of pounds, but I have to do it.

I agree with guru that you probably need to stop calling yourself a 'nutter.' I'm not sure I agree about the self-defeating behavior part. We tend to use labels in our attempt to define ourselves. They can all be two-edged swords. They can have benefits and challenges.

When my son was young, I thought of myself as a 'single mother.' It was a label which helped me to have more compassion for myself, because I was struggling with problems that some others weren't. But eventually I noticed it was also a trap. It was an excuse for self-pity and for not reaching my limits.

Now I see myself as 'strong' which is nice, but I'm currently experiencing the other side of that sword in the form of extreme fatigue because I've pushed myself past my limits.

If you need to retain that 'nutter' label for yourself, that's ok, but remember labels aren't reality themselves - they're only our attempt to describe reality using language which is inherently imperfect. A label which may be useful and even empowering in some contexts may be dangerous in others.

You don't seem like a nutter to me, but I can understand why you might want to appropriate a negative term which has been applied to you and turn it into a badge of honor in a way - like gays owning 'queer'? Just watch that you don't get sliced by the other side of the sword, ok?

I think I said it elsewhere, but to me it's an empowering thing.
It also has 'British' overtones - of being a loveable-if-scatty eccentric - that maybe are lost on an American audience.

Tonglen is a form of Tibetan Buddhist meditation in which you visualize taking in another person's pain on the in-breath and sending them any relief you have available on the out-breath. It's doing the opposite of what your instinct is - which is to protect yourself from pain and to keep an pleasure for yourself. I'm sure you can find descriptions of how to do it on the Internet. It can be done in a formal meditation session or on the spot when you hear about someone else's pain.

Yep, I googled tonglen last night after I had another thought.
I tried it. it's surprisingly difficult. It sound stupid, but it takes me a long time (often weeks) to sort out when people are real and when I'm just hallucinating them. I wonder if that's playing in to this.

I've been cutting myself today. I really shouldn't be doing that (never have before) -- what if a doctor finds out? It just feels soothing :-/

Tonglen is very difficult. I've found the benefits to be worth it. And I don't actually do it that often.

You can do tonglen for all those who, like you, hallucinate other people and have to spend weeks figuring out if they're real.

Touché.

That smiley is only there because it makes you enter at least 8 characters. I only had seven. Stupid rules.

I don't know much about cutting, but I heard a theory once that made sense to me. When you cut yourself, your body releases a pain-killing hormone. That hormone also offers relief for your psychic pain.

I've also heard it suggested that you hold ice cubes in your fists as an alternative when you're tempting to cut. No idea if it helps or not, but it does seem like it might also stimulate the release of pain-killing hormones.

Interesting, but that would involve owning a freezer. I'll try to think of other substitutes. Maybe holding something very hot would work.

Yeah, once I had to give newtus the finger for the same reason.

Just joking, newtus!

I'm sufficiently flexible that I can bite myself, but mostly that just seems odd. Plus it's hard to explain bite marks on the thighs even more than cuts.

I think the idea is to avoid doing physical damage - which hot water might.

You're a runner, right? That sounds like the intentional self-infliction of pain to me. (only half joking - aren't regular runners always rhapsodizing about some 'natural high' that we slug-a-bugs are missing out on?)

I think I have a list of alternatives to cutting somewhere. I'll check.

I was serious about doing tonglen for people who have to sort out the real from the hallucinated btw.

I should have given you a sheep.

I'm a runner, but I seriously injured my knee running my marathon and I have to take a break.
And the runner's high is a load of horse ****. Any happy feelings I might get from running are totally counteracted by having to get out of bed at half five to run in the miserable rain.

I know you were. I tried it, but all I was able to do is wish somebody would give me a hug.

Couldn't find my list, so I googled it. Apparently there are a variety of reasons people cut. Here are alternatives based on your reason for cutting. There's also a self-injury section on PC.

If you cut to express pain and intense emotions

• Paint, draw, or scribble on a big piece of paper with red ink or paint
• Express your feelings in a journal
• Compose a poem or song to say what you feel
• Write down any negative feelings and then rip the paper up
• Listen to music that expresses what you’re feeling

If you cut to calm and soothe yourself

• Take a bath or hot shower
• Pet or cuddle with a dog or cat
• Wrap yourself in a warm blanket
• Massage your neck, hands, and feet
• Listen to calming music

If you cut because you feel disconnected and numb

• Call a friend (you don’t have to talk about self-harm)
• Take a cold shower
• Hold an ice cube in the crook of your arm or leg
• Chew something with a very strong taste, like chili peppers, peppermint, or a grapefruit peel.
• Go online to a self-help website, chat room, or message board

If you cut to release tension or vent anger

• Exercise vigorously—run, dance, jump rope, or hit a punching bag
• Punch a cushion or mattress or scream into your pillow
• Squeeze a stress ball or squish Play-Doh or clay
• Rip something up (sheets of paper, a magazine)
• Make some noise (play an instrument, bang on pots and pans)

Here's a cyberhug:

(((((((fishsandwich)))))))