[mgran]

I was thinking we should have a daily roll call, like some of the other fora do, just so we can touch base and know each other are alright.

So... it's Saturday 21st. Mgran alive and kicking... how are the rest of you guys?

[costello]

Originally Posted by mgran

I was thinking we should have a daily roll call, like some of the other fora do, just so we can touch base and know each other are alright.

So... it's Saturday 21st. Mgran alive and kicking... how are the rest of you guys?

I'm here and well enough. Woke up from a nightmare with a touch of depression, but other than that ok. Very aware this morning of my perennial struggle: accepting the fact that I'm human, I'm not perfect, and I can't fix the world - or even one tiny corner of it.

[KUREHA]

I'm here - although I should be outside getting my proof.

[lil-angel-wings]

here

some one stol my avatar... so i had to switch

[Shoe]

I am here and well. Had a great vacation last week.

[Tsunamisurfer]

(checks pulse) yep. Still here

[ickydog2006]

Here, about to eat pasta and completely blow my diet. At least when I'm obsessing over food I'm not questioning reality.

[mgran]

Hey everybody, nice to see you're all well. Sunday here in England, I slept in till twelve... got to sort my meds! This is ludicrous! My morning meds became my early afternoon meds, and I'm feeling a little bit hyper.

Other than that I'm fine.

[costello]

I'm here. Yesterday's "touch of depression" has deepened. I'm struggling to take Pema Chodron's advice to "drop the story line" and stay with the energy. The story line keeps grabbing me though. I may switch back to Thich Nhat Hanh's advice to touch the seed of despair with the seed of mindfulness in order to transform the unwholesome seed. It makes more sense to me. And some tonglen would be useful today. Unfortunately I can't seem to even rouse myself to do my daily meditation this morning.

[mgran]

I'm sorry Costello... I haven't been able to concentrate on learning so far this year. I know how deeply upsetting it can be to have one's ability to be mindful disipate. But I think you'll come out of this stronger. It's like when a plant is pruned. It hurts to be cut, but you grow back stronger, bearing more fruit.

[Shoe]

Hey Costello, someone posted this link at another forum a while back. I bought the book at amazon a few years back and thought it was great. You are suppose to be able to download it here for free, but I haven't tried as I still have the book. Currently I am rereading Wild Chickens and Petty Tyrants. A great little book on mindfulness.

http://www.filestube.com/cGKgpgHSFvU...-abook-ws.html

[lil-angel-wings]

here today....

[ickydog2006]

I'm here today. It's amazing how sane I feel when obsessing about food. But my toddler is not cooperating with nap time so we'll see if I can escape a meltdown today.

[lil-angel-wings]

monday the jan 23rd still kicking

[mgran]

Nice to see youse safe and well. Icky, you don't say if it's your toddler or yourself who's in danger of a meltdown! I remember those days, every so often it was me who'd just huddle in a ball and cry. Hope you're okay, and your babby too. (((hug)))

As you can see, I'm here. My son is doing his maths' lesson with the tutor, I can hear them puzzling away.

[costello]

I'm here today. Tired and grumpy. My son was released from the hospital yesterday afternoon on a slightly higher dosage. We've already had another fight, although it wasn't violent - just one of those exhausting ones where we keep saying the same thing around in circles and the upshot is that I should be able to read his mind in order to know what's going to irritate him.

[mgran]

I'm sorry... is he home with you again?

[costello]

Originally Posted by mgran

I'm sorry... is he home with you again?

Yes. He means well. He's trying hard. But it feels like instead of me pulling him up, he's dragging me down into hell with him.

And he's so inscrutable to me. For example, my mistake last night was to tell him the food he was preparing for dinner smelled good. Apparently I was supposed to know about this whole train of thought he had going on, but I don't read minds. It's exhausting, and I feel like I can never relax, even when I'm away from him, because I worry all the time about what I'm going to do wrong next. It seems so unpredictable to me. Then he demands that I "admit I'm wrong" and apologize.

I feel like I'm being pulled into a vortex of madness. At least before he started getting angry all the time I could let down my guard and rest.

In all fairness I've asked that he tell me when he's angry. He's one of those people who stuff down all their anger then explode. And when he's stuffing it down, you can't tell by looking at his face or demeanor. At least I can't. He's a pro at putting on a facade of complete calm and unconcern while he's roiling with anger inside. So I'd like him to express it for two reasons: 1. so it doesn't build to explosion point, and 2. because it no doubt contributes to his mental health issues.

Now I have to able to hear it without being reactive. That's why I'm trying to change the focus from "fixing" him to "fixing" me. Easy to say, hard to do.

There's positive stuff here too. Maybe my exhaustion is making see only the bad. Last night he misinterpreted something I said to be a negative comment when I was trying to be empathetic. It's true the comment was ambiguous, but IMO he would have to have a really bad view of me to have understood it the way he did. So I suggested that maybe his self-esteem is so low that he hears criticism and put downs when none are intended. I could tell by the look on his face that I'd hit the nail on the head.

[mgran]

I'm sorry, that sounds totally exhausting.

[Tsunamisurfer]

Originally Posted by costello

I could tell by the look on his face that I'd hit the nail on the head.

Great! That is what my wife has to remind me of from time to time. It isn't so much that I have a bad view of her but rather that I fail to realise that I could possibly be worth loving - so the negative interpretation of what she says takes preference.

I'm glad you have him back home.

[ickydog2006]

Exhausted but here.

[costello]

I'm here today. Feeling a bit better. I started a swimming class last night. I was so nervous about it, but I had a great time.

Originally Posted by Tsunamisurfer

Great! That is what my wife has to remind me of from time to time. It isn't so much that I have a bad view of her but rather that I fail to realise that I could possibly be worth loving - so the negative interpretation of what she says takes preference.

I'm glad you have him back home.

Yes, too many people believe in their heart of hearts that they're unlovable. My son does. I do. My father told me that he did. Possibly most of us feel this way, but we don't want to examine it because it causes us shame.

When we don't love ourselves, we can't properly love other people. We end up doing violence to ourselves and others and cause everyone to suffer.

The metta meditation is used to cultivate compassion. We always start with ourselves, wishing happiness and freedom from suffering for ourselves, then we wish it for a loved one, a neutral person, an enemy, and finally we extend our wish to everyone. It's very, very difficult for me to start with myself, but more and more I'm coming to realize that if I can't feel compassion, love, friendliness, kindness for myself, I can't truly give it to anyone else either. Probably sounds very corny, but it's true. Open your heart to yourself and then you can open your heart to others.

[newtus]

here. in distress. cant take it.

starting to think im not so crazy as much as im not being believed.
i feel ive fallen into the trap of psychiatry, yet again
i need to back out before it gets too late and these people who wish to psychologically torture me win.

never thought electronic harrassment would go so far. it has.

[mgran]

I'm sorry Newtus... I tried to send you a long pm yesterday, and it got lost in the system. Hope you're doing at least one thing a day as a special treat for yourself, to make YOU happy. Listen to music, or watch a comedy, or treat yourself to something special.

[lil-angel-wings]

here today

newtus...i totaly understand
I have an appointment tomarrow and am thinking of not going
I think that they do me more harm then good
stopped taking my meds back in nov.
Its really hard at times but I belive that God has a perpose for all of this