someone read my roll call post PLEASE

It's sometimes hard to judge whether you need outside intervention. It's something I struggle with. There have been times I've called the police on my son or dragged him to the hospital which I think now weren't necessary. I wish I'd just calmed myself and waited. At least one of those incidents resulted in a lot of traumatic memories for him which might have been avoided if we'd handled it differently and just helped him to de-escalate.

The cmhc may have a crisis line which can be very helpful. They can access to your records if you need to call during off hours. At least they can arrange that here. Then if you have to call in, they kind of "know" you and your issues. They can assess the situation and advise you on what to do. In my experience they're pretty calm and aren't going to say 'omg! get to the hospital immediately!' All of the times I've had to call, they suggested things to do to make the situation better without hospitalization or police.

It's like having a calm friend with professional training that you can call any time and they'll be available to give you their full attention.

Maybe chasing planes outside?

There is another option. You can start taking better care of yourself.

I doubt this is much like homelessness. I suspect a homeless person running around off her head and putting holes in walls and doors would just be dragged off to jail or the hospital. It's only people who have folks who care about them who will have that kind of behavior tolerated. Your people care about you, newtus. You can pay them back by taking care of yourself. If you take care of yourself, you'll begin to have fewer episodes like the one last night.

im actually just gonna try to forget everything that happened. and start by going to the grocery store.

anyway. idk what its from. like maybe i hit myself or something. i punch myself. so maybe that. idk.

anyway. i mean the more i can learn to live rough the more i can handle certain life situations.

ahah tolerated...
my dad almost kicked me out last night.
im sparing the details. but yea.

idk. but hes being a hypocrite. he drinks.
it stresses me out. but i admitted i stress him.
but he wont admit he does that to me. because
his drinking. he thinks me finding him dead
is not stressful?

Good idea. Distracting yourself can help. Being around other people can help. Getting out of the house can help.

I don't know about living rough, but definitely building up your skills and personal resources can help.

Yes, tolerated. He may not have handled everything exactly right last night, but he's still there for you and you're still in his home. He didn't kick you out.

I think I can imagine what your dad is going through. I've walked in his shoes. Right now I imagine he's frustrated and he's scared. You were in the hospital. You came out with some meds that were making you calmer and more rational. You abused the "fun" drugs and flushed the Haldol down the toilet. Now you're not sleeping, and no one else gets to sleep either.

Newtus, if you don't like the meds, you need to find alternatives. You need to do that, because the mental health system probably won't. In the meantime, you need to make use of the tools available to you in order to keep your head together and start moving forward.

Just flushing the pills isn't enough. Not if it's going to result in scenes like the one last night.

Yes, he's not taking good care of himself either. That doesn't justify you doing the same. You're smarter than this.

Yes, when we don't take care of ourselves, we make the people who care about us suffer.

Why does he have to admit anything? Why do you use his bad behavior to excuse yours? We have no control over other people. We only have any control over ourselves. The fact that other people don't live well or won't admit their part in the problem does not mean we don't have to clean up our own act.

I'm speaking from experience here, newtus. The voice of experience. I spent countless hours and much money trying to "fix" my adopted son. Nothing changed until I decided to focus on myself.

Eat right. Get as much sleep as you can. Distract yourself from unwholesome thoughts. Exercise. Keep those appointments at the cmhc and work with the professionals on your treatment plan. Start researching mental health alternatives and wellness practices. Things will improve. They'll never be perfect, that's too much to ask for. But they can be much better than they are now.

f**k other people. this whole town. and state.
anyway i bought coffee and a newspaper.
saturday news
sunday news
NYork Times

i didnt think anyone would remember that on a forum. i figured it was waste of info. but...i actually flushed the a portion of both xanax and ambien down the toilet too because the way it made me feel. it gave me the high and i hated it. then i loved it. then i flushed half of what was left of both so i wouldnt be tempted. then a few days later i abused the rest. id still have more in fact if i hadnt flushed that half of each.

i know this one very well. psychiatry isnt up to nonchemical stuff. its a system of control.

i dont believe i do. we had a pact (i thought) that wed help each other. when i started to he kept drinking behind my back. anyway. team effort is over. i dont want him to die but he just keeps drinking. its not about he drinks. its about how much. in the past 2-3 weeks ive had to save him from doing a lot of stuff like speeding with a car, almost knocking his head into the ground, etc all while he was intoxicated. 2-3 weeks is just an example though. this has been everyday since 2010. its year round. he does a lot of drinking and driving. drinking til he passes out and pees on himself and all over everything. so i have to watch him all the time. all kinds of more stuff.

Enjoy your coffee and your newspaper and your Saturday morning.

I've said it before and I'll saying again. You're a smart cookie, newtus. You'll find your way out of this morass. Just take care of yourself. And be as honest with yourself as you can.

Don't you hate it when people actually listen to you and remember what you say?!?!?

He's doing his best just like you're doing your best. Forgive him. Forgive yourself. Move on.

nope. its just not expected. not for me anyway.
i figured 'especially' on a forum. which IS true.
your just the exception.


i dont think im smart like book smart. i do think
i know far more than most in certain given areas.
and execute that i will.

thats why i cant let anyone hold me back and call
me delusional. im talking about professionals and....
...well mostly just professionals.
i VERY well know whats going on in this world and
i will find out EVERYTHING. even those planes..
WHICH BTW i have already seen the car hiding near the
electrical plant this morning. there was not only 1 car on my tail.
but it was different because i was on a county road and driving 15mph
looking for the hidden car. they were videotaping me. the hidden
car was. but everyone knows county roads arent typical. then they
turned into some hidden street.
cant fool me.
THEN some person i saw at kroger i saw them near my house.
they kept staring at me when i was sitting in my car looking out.
i knew something was up. cant fool me. a**holes.

I think you see the world through your own filter - like all of us do. And your filter tells you the world is threatening and scary and dangerous. So everything you see, you give it a menacing overtone.

Yesterday I was so upset. My son picked up on it - of course. And it roused his fear monster. I was fixing dinner, and he was sitting there, and suddenly he said, "Something bad might happen."

That had nothing to do with reality. That was his fear filter kicking in. You have a pretty heavy fear filter too, newtus, and it's screwing with your perceptions.

i usually tell people im naturally fearful.
i get afraid i start getting direct..loud sometimes..yell sometimes..
everyone confuses it with anger.
anger truly is not in my nature.
but fear is. thats one thing i have known for a long time.
that and that im asocial. ive known that the longest.
now im becoming antisocial in the past 2 years.

Fear filters can be a son of a *****. Some mornings I wake up anxious & have to ask my fiancee "You're sure nothing bad is going to happen to me, right? I'm not going to die?"

Listen to Costello, Newtus. She knows her **** as a damn awesome caretaker. I am sure she is trying as hard to help you as she does with her son... That's admirable & deserves at least a listen & some honest trying.

You can beat this. It's possible. It may not ALL go away, but you can at least be somewhat stable.

oh no i do see that actually. i do.
i see what she says.

oh btw costello
i ate a whole new york strip steak for you.
yea..for you.
yep...you can read that again
for you.

anyway.
i believe while i am fearful i believe its a good thing to be this cautious.
ive accomplished so much by being this way
LIKE capturing that plane on video and taking off into the sunset in my car when those people tried to murder me in 2010. etc.

Just make sure that your caution is well-managed & doesn't effectively harm you or waste your time... There are always more effecient ways to go about things. : )

And I'm so glad you ate!!

i dont have a problem with eating.

i just...ate the steak for her.

I've been hearing the planes constantly since Tuesday night.

Can you eat some cheesecake for me please?

theyve been flying at night where i am
not just daytime where i videotaped them.
they rev their engines at night and zoom past here.

yea..i just cant do the cheesecake.
do i have another option

Carrot cake?

thats my fav cake.

Mine too. Go eat some for both of us