[Raynie]

Hello. I believe i'm Schizophrenic, although I haven't actually shared this with anyone. I'm not positive.
I do have delusions, although while i'm having them i'm positive they are real. And even now, i'm not completely sure their not. No one is my house smokes, or even has, and I've even smelt cigarettes before, but it was strong, right in my nose, and I could have sworn someone was smoking and blowing it into my face.
I hear things, but not like most schizophrenic people. I hear them in my head, and someone else is putting it there. I talk, out loud, back to them. But not to the voices, to them. Their what most people believe to be hallucinations.

They watch me, all the time. Even since I was born, and that's why we die. We all have one, and once they decide its your time to go, they will make their selves known. Your life flashes before you eyes, like a film. Except in every memory you see them, watching you. Then, you die. Because of them.

I think I have more than one, but they are all one at times. I don't know how to explain it. By the way, I have a very hard time explaining myself to other people. They tell me all this. They just, put it in my head. Sometimes they repeat things I've heard before, over and over again. And sometimes they just scream, and I start making faces and begging them to stop, crying. When we get goose bumps, or a chill for no reason, that's them touching us. My arms will go all tingly and i'll start rubbing them really hard and shaking and flailing my arms trying to get them off. I'll look around expecting to see them, I can see them in my head, and I know their hiding from me. For some reason, I think i'm the only one who knows about them. Their watching me right now. They keep touching me and I can feel them.
Every since I was little, I have been able to feel them, taste them, and smell them in the air. Mostly feel them. But I didn't know it was them. I just knew it was weird and felt like i'd been there before many, many times before. Like i'd felt the same air before. I know it sounds weird. Their always watching. But they talk to me. They show me things. They make me twitch and shake all of a sudden in public sometimes, and people do notice. I always feel scared, or mad. And like I want to scream. It usually happens at a certain time in a certain place, at night in my room. When i'm alone. They like to mess with me, they laugh at me, mock me. But sometimes their my only friends. Sometimes they sing me to sleep, and cradle me.
Sometimes I hyperventilate, get dizzy, and my eyes slide in and out of focus and hurt. It gives me a head ache sometimes too, and upsets me badly.

At this very moment I just heard something in my room and i'm crying, my face is red and my stomach hurts from fright. SO REALISTIC AND I KNOW ITS REAL. Theres probably another explanation for it but I know their doing to to scare me! WHY WON'T THEY JUST LET ME LIVE MY LIFE. WHY CAN'T I BE HAPPY LIKE A NORMAL PERSON!?

I do have a history with depression and self harm. I've been to a thearipist. Didn't help. It got to the point where I kicked holes in the wall and ripped my hair out and just screamed. Even tried running away. They tried putting me in a mental institute, which is why I don't want to tell people. I don't want to go there. Mental disorders self harm and depression run in my family a lot. They think i'm all better now. I'm not.

Theres something I hate, and its weird. I seem to like being depressed more than being happy. It just feels like who I am. I can't shake it. I feel insane. Maybe I don't want to be normal? Oh, but I do. They keep telling me I don't. They confuse me a lot, and they talk to me all the time.

I don't have many friends and I hate my family. I don't trust anyone, I CAN'T trust myself. I have a very hard time know what if real and what is not.
What do you think? Do you think i'm schizophrenic, or something else perhaps?

[Wayfarer25]

Hi, Raynie.

i'm sorry you're having such a hard time. i don't know if you're schizophrenic or not, but some of the stuff you say certainly sounds like it. if you want a diagnosis you should talk to a doctor. i know you don't trust them. i certainly don't. but for me at least a diagnosis was like a huge weight being taken off my shoulders. granted, it wasn't a great relief, but it at least let me know there was a name for what i was experiencing. anyway, if you want a diagnosis go get one.

as for the other stuff you mentioned, i can sympathize with quite a bit of it. the anger, the frustration, and especially not being sure what's real or not. even done some self harm myself hoping to feel something other than dead inside or scared all the time.

i see where you're coming from. i hope you find peace soon.

[fishsandwich]

I don't like labels at all, but I can identify a lot with what you describe. I got called schizophrenic myself. I don't have much wisdom, but I can give you empathy.

[solost888]

I understand how you feel. I have been feeling the same way. I feel like my life is gone now, I cant enjoy myself at all. I had a severe "episode" a few months ago that ruined my life. This was the first time ever, its so scary because unlike many people i have read about, who experienced something similar. I didnt realize i was acting strange and rude. whatever this "thing" is. It controlled the way i talked and made me act like a total maniac. Not myself at all. I cussed everyone out i knew, and accused them of doing bad things to me and wanting to kill me etc. This went on for weeks. I had so many delusional thoughts during this time period and it was 24/7, i didnt act like my normal self at all. I lost everything in the process, my job, spent all my money, now in severe debt, my kid, every friend that i had, nobody has any respect for me now, they think im a pshyco. I feel like im dying now, i cant eat, sleep. My entire life is ruined, and its scary. I dont understand why it happened. I see everyone else normal and happy, but i feel i will never be able to be normal again....and it really makes me sad, because i used to enjoy life..I'm like why did this have to happen to me...I was always good, never hurt anyone etc. and yeah i get the exact same feelings as you do.

[RunningEagleRuns]

Good luck!

[Gr3tta]

i am sorry you feel scared, but you are not alone. i do not have schizophrenia, but i do have psychosis. i often see and hear things that others do not experience, although i am only rarely troubled by other kinds of unusual thoughts or beliefs. i divide my world into "real to me" and "real to everyone" segments and manage to live in the overlap fairly successfully. thank you for sharing here. i think lots of people will be able to relate.