Roll Call Four

all of a sudden im not feeling so good.

im hearing stuff.
things just got all weird
something just clicked in my head
i mean metaphorically something clicked
like a switch went off.

and then hearing stuff...

I know that you have the pain of having no one else... But you shouldn't feel incompetent or bad about yourself because you can't stop him from doing what he does. That's out of the realm of anyone's control, except his. I'm so sorry to hear you're having flashbacks & hearing things. I am really terrible at advice surrounding personal loss or grief, but just wanted you to know someone was reading.

thanks for reading
im trying to calm myself down

i rented some documentary and i didnt
know but its about an autistic boy. like aspergers. but they never say it.

..i started smoking again...

hi newtus, i don't have anything i think will be helpful to say in response, i just wanted to let you know i was listening and not ignoring you.

costello, any chance you could invite the neighbors child to meet your dog, and see that she is friendly? sometimes pets can win children over very quickly once they confront their fear.

hi everyone else. it was a bad day yesterday, but i am going to have a good day today.

thank you

im really getting into emanuel bronner

"..After Nazis & Commis united, proposed Bombs that destroy all, unless we teach lightning-like the whole Human race the Moral ABC uniting All-One-God-Faith! For we're All-One or none!"

- The Moral ABC

i dont feel like i can drive but i have to drive myself over to that appt. AND be by myself.
im so scared. idk what to expect. i really dont.

i feel like i have a lot of energy.

i kind of got worked up on thinking about and dissecting my apt incident back in 2010. i was very paranoid that year. thats when my last episode started. its like its never ended too. but you ccant go from that to living contently. maybe im too sensitive. but i dont know. everything has been downhill 100% since that year. i think nothing can get worse and then a dozen new negative stuff on top of those when those other negative stuff havent been worked out.

lol... You know what I've noticed on forums? When people only post when things are bad, other people on the forum get the idea that things are always bad with them. The only interaction is when the person is falling apart, so that's all they see of that person.

I'm not saying that of you, Shay. You've been here plenty on good times, but I've noticed that happen to some people on other forums.

I don't think I'm going to do that. I don't think they want to make the effort. I just went and talked to the neighbors on either side. They have big dogs that run loose too. I seriously don't think these new people are going to last there.

You also have to understand that Bridey will probably bark and look really scary. About 3/4 of the people she meets, she's friendly right off. The rest she barks at for a few minutes until I convince her to stop acting like an a s s. This kid is so afraid of dogs he wouldn't last but a few seconds with that treatment. He seriously needs some kind of therapy where he's exposed to gradually bigger and bigger dogs. Bridey's the advanced course not the beginner.

Hope you had a great day today!

newtus, I think you should keep your appointment with the case manager tomorrow. I'm sure it will go fine, and if it doesn't - just don't go again.

You're not responsible for your dad or his behavior. Believe me I understand your desire to help him, but ultimately he's his own person. Our desire to intervene in the lives of our loved ones in order to save them from themselves only leads to us being unhappy and to damaging our relationships with the people we think we're helping.

Make peace with letting him be and enjoying the positive aspects of your relationship.

We have so little power to change the behavior of other people. Heck, most of the time we have trouble managing our own behavior - despite our very best intentions.

i appreciate your advice.

im going to the appt. im surprised i didnt cancel. i think i didnt because i frgt about it.

but yea. no my grandfather? no hes not alive he wasnt a drinker really ive heard. but its been a long day. i think my dads been drinking or something idk. its been pouring rain and he left his car doors wide open and its raining inside. i had close them. then he stumbled to bed. he dropped his food on the floor and picked it up and just kept eating it with all the hair and dirt on it. im like "wtf is going on" and i had to slap him. i really have to ...ugh yea..i dont mean to treat my dad like that but he...i cant pick up a 200 lb man. i cant. i cant do it. hah.....

Sorry. I meant to say that you're not responsible for your dad or his behavior. Don't know why I said 'father.'

its all good

im just so thankful someone gave me some useful advice and replied to my post. i never say it but...im always thankful when someone does...

My little cat Linlin is missing.

Newtus: I'm glad you're keeping your case manager appointment. And about your incident in 2010 & your slow decline? I think I've noticed a pattern. When you begin to change mentally, you treat yourself differently. With kid's gloves almost. And we no longer test ourselves. This makes it more difficult to deal with the outside world & life problems. We become more sensitive to stressors because the slightest thing will set us off. But... We eventually have to regain strength. Which is why, I think, meds exist in the first place. They shouldn't be permanent. They should be just for people who need a crutch before they can walk on two feet again, yanno? We'll get there soon enough.

Gr3tta: I hope your day was as good as you anticipated!!

Costello: Yeah, I know what you mean. I recognize that & have even said myself that I cope much better IRL than I do on the forums. The biggest difference in my forum interactions vs IRL is that I don't speak what's on my mind half as much in real life. The forums are all cerebral. It's all based within our own perspective of a crisis or situation. And I'm pretty sure you weren't saying it of me, but I wouldn't blame you if you did.

you noticed a pattern? from 2010 til now?

it started in 2008 but was up and down. then 2010 hit and its been downhill from there. you werent here i think but i had an incident where 5-6 guys were banging on my apartment windows and doors and yelling "we see you" "we know your in there" "were gonna get you" and throwing stuff at my door. i called the police and they said "well we dont see anybody here" and i left that apt the fifth day i was there and never returned until my lease was up 5 months later or so. thats the short version. ive been really skeptical in dealing with police and living on my own and other stuff since then. it was a lot of stuff going on.

-like i supposedly had the only key to my own room but i found stuff put in there etc planted in there.

-my roommate let homeless people sleep in our apt living room

-she happened to not be there that one night "just happen to"

its a total mystery that whole week. its a lot a lot more to that story but...yea.

i cant begin to think how many times ive come face to face with the police in 2 years straight.

but see other stuff happened too in the past two years especially 5 years. i almost got put into residential treatment. i wouldve been there til i was 25. i really got lucky or something idk. and then some more BS happened.

i cant sleep. too nervous about that appt.

Hope your appointment goes well Newtus - Good Luck

Did you find your cat Costello?

...my dads tooth fell out...

I didn't. I was out calling for her last night, and I heard a cat crying from the new neighbor's house. I know they have three cats, so I hope it was one of theirs. I saw a black and white cat on their deck - mine's gray - so I hope that's the one I heard and they don't have Linlin.

My son wasn't doing so well last night and having the cat disappear (maybe taken by the neighbors) didn't help at all.

Uh oh. Has he seen a dentist recently? Was it loose?

Yeah definitely tell him to see a dentist, because if he gets gum disease that's not good.

s'been a while....

I've been wondering about you. How's it going? The T coming back tomorrow?

i have no clue about his tooth. i think he got some 500 dollar work done do it then it just fell out. but then again hes almost 66 so idk. old age maybe.