I came to a realization earlier. It has caused me to feel deep pain and anger and hopelessness. I am not doing very good. I can't drink, I don't do drugs. I won't do them. I don't know what to do. How to process truth and the past. I don't know if I'm going to make it through this. I am hopeless. that was the one thing I had left, and now it's gone. I am empty.

[costello]

Originally Posted by lightbulb7

that was the one thing I had left, and now it's gone. I am empty.

What was the one thing you had left?

hope. I really like you and I really don't want you to see me like this. I think I am going to have to feel these feelings, instead of hide or cover them or supress them. It's going to come out eventually. I was reading about complex cumulative trauma, and the stages of grief. It is okay to feel angry. I have never really felt this way. When I started to feel it, I couldn't stop the feeling. I can only control my words and actions. That is what I am doing. It came. It went. It could come back. But I am facing this now. Then I can move on and actually be free.

I know I still have hope. The feeling of hopelessness is just that, a feeling. It is not a reality. When you feel hopeless, it is like hope is gone. But I know it's not. I will be better after I let these feelings come and go.

[canacrip]

Good insights, lightbulb7. It's thinking like that that leads to wellness. Have you tried deep breathing? You know, deep breath through the nose, hold a sec and slowly exhale through the mouth. It doesn't stop it, but it does help to break the tension.

[costello]

I've seen a lot of anger in people suffering from psychosis. I don't know if it stems from early trauma in which anger wasn't allowed to be expressed or trauma from the illness or if it's just anger from the freaking unfairness of the whole thing.

My son experiences a lot of anger and isn't particularly good at handling it. I always tell him not to suppress it but not to act it out. I think you're right you need to experience it - but without hurting yourself or anyone else by acting it out aggressively.

Just remember it's only an emotion. It won't destroy you.

Maybe you should consider the possibility that the SAM-e is contributing to the intensity of the experience. Like any antidepressant SAM-e can cause mania. My son often experiences mania as intensely uncomfortable irritation and anger. Maybe try taking 1/2 or 3/4 of the amount?

I am already feeling alot better, and I am surprised. I have had more than a few reasons to be angry in my life, but I always, exclusively suppressed it. I thought it was a sin. Now I am reading about "complex cumulative trauma and grief". It really knows what I'm going through. The anger came out of nowhere, in the midst of my healing. I had never felt angry before, that's why I panicked. But you know what? About an hour went by, I made dinner for the kids, had a nice plate myself. I felt the feeling of anger. I felt angry for the abuse, the horrible things people did, I was angry at them. Then, the feeling left. It came and went. I did not know that was how anger worked. Even if you are angry, and feeling intense anger from trauma or grief, I am still in control of my actions and words. That is a very comforting piece of information I did not have before. I could only speculate what anger would do to me. That is why I never let myself feel it, even for a minute. I rebuked it. Blamed myself rather than to process it in a healthy way. What I just read said that anger is natural to feel after a traumatic event or events, and grief includes anger. It is ok to feel angry, and you have not sinned by feeling it. After I was angry, when it left, my heart and whole chest felt lighter. Like I just had a baby and the place where the baby was was suddenly no longer burdened with the weight I was once carrying. Anger came, I felt it. Anger left. I felt it. Sober. It could come again sometime. I can control my actions and I do control my actions. I am really going to be free this time. Not on crutches. Healed and whole. My soul is being restored. I am not afraid. Thanks for your words. No, I'm not in therapy. I don't trust doctors and medication lol. Maybe someday I will but I don't right now. But I am healing anyway.
__________________

[canacrip]

Anger is not a bad thing if you don't let it rule you. That's where I go wrong and it becomes rage. Not bad for such a shi**y day!

[costello]

Originally Posted by lightbulb7

It came and went.

Yep. Impermanence. Nothing lasts.

I am still in control of my actions and words.

Yep. You can choose how to act. The challenge is not suppressing the emotion. What you resist persists. If you push the anger down it gets worse. But letting it up isn't the same as acting it out.

Wow! I am really living life, I am officially a big girl now! lol Yesterday is over. Today is. Tomorrow will come. I am living life on life's terms, and I am overcoming all of my demons. They didn't know what hit 'em =) Thanks a million yall, you don't know how much I have actually benefited from your support. It has made all the difference, and I am very grateful. <3 <3 <3

[LostMom3]

You are amazing. You analyze yourself. You know why things are happening and you know it will end. No medication AND no therapist. I tried it without medication and no therapy and just about lost my mind and thought of doing something foolish. I was med free for over half a year. I had to go back on the meds. I was going to hurt me or someone else. The anger had gotten that intense. I wish I was a strong as you. You are simply amazing.

Thank you LostMom. While I could accept credit, it would not be completely due. I have a strong faith in a Higher Power. I read a lot about His principles and His love. That has kept me through the hard times, through the unbearable moments, and has ultimately blessed me with the knowledge I would not otherwise contain. I am very grateful. It did not cost me any worldly currency. I have always had the keys to life right in front of me! Now they are really taking root, and uprooting those things that were killing me. Yall have been so kind and supportive, and I believe I was led in the spirit to this place to put the final nail in the coffin. The past is dead. Behold, I am alive, forevermore. Thanks yall! Glory to God Most High!