[Eleora]

My mom caught me pacing and mumbling today when she got home from work. I don't even know how long I had been doing it, but I have been trouble with the crowd lately, with non-stop talking and noise, and I just started pacing. My mom wanted to take me to the hospital, and I refused.

Last night, I decided at 3 in the morning I needed to move all the furniture in my room. Why? I have this thing about windows, I think people are watching me and I ALWAYS have to close blinds where I am (school, bedroom, living room, psychologists office etc). My psychologist assures me it's not too weird, and allows me to adjust his blinds, but I am seriously thinking I am losing my mind. So anyways, I moved the furniture so I could have a better view of my window-just in case.

I have been going on rampages, ripping things apart, looking for things that I am not even sure exist.

I haven't been sleeping, I've started smoking, hours have been disappearing, I can't stop the tremors in my hands, I am twitchy, I FEEL CRAZY.

The week began with no emotion what so ever. My friend hung herself, my mom had a minor heart attack on Sunday, my brother got arrested, just so much crap- and sure I cared, but I didn't FEEL anything!

Now this. I feel extremely weird.

[January]

(((((((((((( Girl ))))))))))))

It would be a very good idea to go see your pdoc or t as soon as possible. Maybe you need a med check. You might want to call today.

I hope you feel better very soon.

Hugs,

Jan

[jennie]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
girlbassplayer said:
The week began with no emotion what so ever. My friend hung herself, my mom had a minor heart attack on Sunday, my brother got arrested, just so much crap- and sure I cared, but I didn't FEEL anything!

Now this. I feel extremely weird.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

That's a lot of stress . . . friend's suicide (or attempt?) . . . mom's heart attack . . . bro's arrest. You have a right to feel the way you feel. Intense feelings can feel numb and weird at first. ((((((((huggs))))))))

[Eleora]

Yeah, it wasn't just an attempt. Her Funeral was last week.

I know stress has a lot to do with it, I am just overwhelmed.

[jennie]

(((((hugs))))) this is a good time for you to do your hobbies . . . focus on fun things for you to do . . . art, crafts, poetry, reading, writing, dancing, singing, nature walks, sports, movies, etc.

i know it's hard to cope with stuff at times. you don't have to solve all the problems or deal with all emotions today. your mind will eventually work it all out.

[Eleora]

Thanks

Just having an extremely hard time right now. I've been hearing screams suddenly out of nowhere. I went to my psychologist on Wednesday, who said I was manic, which might explain why it's been so bad lately, but I feel like I have hit a brick wall now. Everything's bad to me.

I am a bit upset because all my friends went to Prom on Thursday night, and I was hallucinating too badly to even bother with it.

I missed my doctors appointment Friday to talk about meds because I couldn't get out of bed. I just sat in bed, thinking about everything, and listening to the noise in my head.

My psychologist is happy that I have enough logic to realize now it's not real, that it's in my head, but it's debilitating. I can't even explain it. It's hard to find words.

With everything thats happened, I have a right to feel sad I think, but even with everything bad that's going on, there's so much good too. Again, can't find the words.

I am tired of this. Up and Down, all over the place emotion wise and amongst it all, the only thing thats remaining the same is the noise.

I start my full-time summer position in a week... so I basically have a week to get my %#@&#! together. I don't know what's going to happen. My fear is that I'll end up like I did last summer - pretty much in a comatose depression.

I don't even know if I am writing this in the right place. I am so confused. I guess maybe part of this post should be in the "bipolar" section, but the sounds are bad. My worst fear is seeing what I saw the first time I hallucinated.

I saw myself, hanging from the ceiling for a week straight every night when I was lying in bed. The week after that, I started being able to smell the death. It scared me so much, it got to the point I felt like my dead body was egging me on, and I actually started talking to it. It was keeping me company.

I haven't seen it since, but I fear I will get so far into my depression that it will happen again. I can't afford to be in hospital with all the work I have to do, so I don't know. I have no idea where I am going with this.

I guess I am scared.

[jennie]

how you doing now? work? meds?

[Eleora]

Right now... I am okay-ish. I posted in the bipolar section about being in a mixed state right now. So I am a fairly unstable but I am surviving.

Medication-wise, I quit the medications I was on, and I didn't have any bad side effects/withdrawals. I was going to be taken off the meds I was on (seroquel, risperdal and Zoloft) anyways, so it made no difference to me.

With work, I am averaging about 18 hours a day which probably isn't healthy but it keeps me too busy to think about the crappy parts of my life. I don't sleep very often, and when I do, only for a couple hours tops (3-4), so in the long hours of the night, working is keeping my mind off of other, less productive things. And I am making tons of money so I might not have to work more then2 part-time jobs come the fall.

I had some visual hallucinations recently, but it was nothing too bad. I haven't really had any auditory ones, which is good, because those scare me and affect my productivity level.

Right now, I am just kind of "blah". Nothing too good, nothing too bad going on with life.

[jennie]

Actually, from what you wrote, it looks like you are doing well despite the stress. Working (a lot of hours) is a way to cope. Just like taking meds are another way to cope. You could save up money and take a break when you are ready. I hope you do something fun every once in a while. Work hard, play hard.

*huggs*

[jennie]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
girlbassplayer said:
Medication-wise, I quit the medications I was on, and I didn't have any bad side effects/withdrawals. I was going to be taken off the meds I was on (seroquel, risperdal and Zoloft) anyways, so it made no difference to me.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

You know Zoloft takes a while to get out of your system. You may get really depressed within a few weeks. What is your backup plan for when/if depression hits? Will you go back to the doc or to a counselor?

Abrupt stopping of Seroquel and Risperal can cause psychotic episodes and/or hallunications. I'm not sure how long you'll be vulnerable to those symptoms.

Does any family member know you have stopped those medications?

[Eleora]

My family has no real idea, but I am probably going to try and get into the doctor to get new medications very soon.

I had some pretty wild things going on last night that I don't even know how to explain.

[jennie]

Maybe you should ask for help? Do you have a trusted friend you can talk to? I'm actually worried for you. The first priority is talking to someone who will listen to you. There's 24 hrs in a day. If you are working 18 hrs a day, you still have a few hrs to take care of you. Call a friend. Call a counselor. Call a doctor. Talk to a coworker. Tell them you are stressed and need to talk and just quit meds and need a friend. ((((((huggs))))))

[Eleora]

Thanks.

I can try and contact some of my friends, but my schedule is so different from theirs.

I might consult with my co-workers at some point, but right now I don't really want to. I want to know them better before I drop the S-bomb on them (schizoaffective).

[garfieldcatie]

I am a schizophrenia, and i have a lote to say. I dont no if they have done a study on the brin when it's sleeping and awake , becouse i thank that the brain waves are different. If you ask why it's becouse i thank that when you have Schizophrenia the brain does'nt no if it asleep or aweak. I think we see thing becous were hafe aweak, the brain did'nt fully wake up. 'my idea'

[garfieldcatie]

i'm a schizophrenia, and i think it has somthining to do with the Brain. I wish they would do a sudy on the Brain waves when it a sleep and awake. I think the part of the Brain the lets you sleep is'nt working right. when people sleep they dream of talking, feeling thing and seeing thing. So the part of the Brain that lets you wake up is'nt working right. 'my idea'

[jennie]

You don't need to go into details about your psych issues if you don't feel comfy doing so. You could just say you have emotional probs . . . grieving about loss of friend, etc. I'm hoping you don't isolate too much while you've been having a lot of stress. Huggs are good medicine.

[Sarah116]

You sound an awful lot like me! So happy to meet someone like me! I think it helps no matter how old you are to hug and talk with a stuffed animal! Good luck and God bless!!!