Tell me if I am crazy.....

This is my second marriage. We are going on to 7th year. Three children. A boy, 1o years old from my first marriage, whom my husband adopted, and 6 year old girl, and my sweet baby boy, 15 months.
I left my first husband for this young, handsome man. He is a good guy, makes good money, great father, and lover, but........
My problem is, that I am scared of loosing him. I am 3 years older, not in a such great shape anymore, no education.
I miss him a lot. He is always in front of TV (ESPN), he works hard. And he is very rude to me! He says "shut up", or makes fun the way I look. When his mother was visiting us, I was pregnanut. She told me: Have an abortion, or my son will leave you". So I did.
I spent a lot. It is my way to cheer me up. I buy things I don't need, then give them away. I am irritable, not happy. I don't know what is wrong with me anymore. I bug him with my stupid problems, and conversations. I say mean things too, stupid things, like "I want a divorce", but I don't. Or may be I am scared to be alone?
I don't know anymore........
He pushes me away, does not trust me, never shares anything, and says I am stupid. When he is angry with me, he does not want me to touch him, and goes to sleep on the couch.
I am lost, tired, sad.

I dont think any one is really crazy (except me) that what I call myself and my ways
it sounds like you are having an overwhelming amount of issues in your life and I would think a professional therapist or counsler or marital counseling would help you figure things out. If your community has a mental health program, it would benifit you, and perhaps arrange payment on a sliding scale if you have no insurance or if your husband wont help. you and your children come first, sounds like you have been battling verbal abuse from your husband.

Hope for the best,

KRIS


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If you think you have totally gave up, you haven't, because you are here!

Therapy is out of the question. He will never go for it.
Thanks Kris.

With love to all.

Then YOU go for it. Hopefully it will give you enough strength to see that you have a verbally abusive husband, an insensitive, boorish mother-in-law and more importantly that you deserve NONE of it and neither do your children. I say the hell with his opinion (and I know it will be hard, because he'll definitely have one) and go get yourself some self-esteem back. And then, the next step would be to tell his sorry butt to grow up and make the marriage work or get out.

Anna

P.S. - I don't usually sound so harsh, but I hate seeing a perfectly loveable, deserving woman getting kicked around by some jerk (even if she did marry said jerk).

some of it's magic
some of it's tragic
but i had a good life all the way......
~jimmy buffett

IMHO you need to get free, take the children, of this abusive man. Try Women in Distress. At the very least, they can give you numbers of other assistance available. At the best, they will educate you about the hazards of these kind of relationships, and give you a safe haven till you find your wits! Please take care of yourself!

Please research anything I suggest before believing...

Girls, thanks!!!
I haven't had such a support in a long time.
My husband and I had a conversation this morning. I ask him a simple question: Do you love me?". He said it was not that simple, but one thing he knows for sure - he does not have any affection towards me. I sucked iy out of him with my behavior. But I say stupid stuff, and act badly only when he pushes me away. I don't think he is capable of loving anyone. I just don't know.... I can't leave him. I love him! May be a good idea would be to cut him off emotianaly for awile. They say taht gyus like women who are hard to get. I used to be like that, proud, calm, happy. I have to find ME.

With love to all.

It sounds like you want this relationship to work, and it's great that you have such motivation. I wonder if you want it to work for the wrong reasons, though--mainly, because you feel you can't function without your husband.

Marriage is not supposed to be two halves equalling a whole. Each person needs to be whole for the marriage to work. Your husband is at least willing to be honest about his feelings--that's a start. He says he doesn't have affection for you. Well, affection wears out in a marriage if you don't work together to create it. Your attempts to communicate are a good start.

I do not advise cutting your husband off emotionally--I've tried it myself, and trust me, it doesn't help the relationship get better. You both grow even farther apart. You could try the opposite--I've read it a thousand places, so it must work sometimes--if you try to be extra nice and loving to your husband for three days and try to praise him when he does something nice and not criticise him (this is a hard one for me), just see how he reacts. It's hard not to feel affection toward someone who is always affectionate in their actions toward you--that's the theory.

I do agree that you need to find you. You said you feel undereducated--try to take a college class to feel better about yourself. If you can't do that, become self-educated--read. You can't change your husband, but you can change you and be better for your kids. (I say this because my daughter is my biggest motivation to act healthier.)

Let us know how it's going!

First for a mother-in-law to suggest you have an abortion is horrible, then to do it in fear of this man leaving you. . .well I personally do not know if such a man is worth staying with, I do not think you are crazy, just maybe have been controlled by him and his mom?
Do you think he doesn't trust you cause you left your first husband for him? Were you both seeing each other before your divorce? If so that maybe why he doesn't trust you?
Sorry for the questions but I am trying to figure out what some of the reasons are for your problems.
Is his job creating stress causing him to be edgey? That can cause a person to act in ways they may have not before, especially if he feels burdened by having to support a family, I know that doesn't dismiss his disrespect for you as much as you claim he has been.
I'd suggest a marriage counselor if he would agree to seeing one, in hopes of saving this marriage.
I just feel skeptical of his mom's power over your relationship with him, that sounds terrible that this woman had that sort of power over you to abort your own baby.
If I were you I would try to get away from this setup, if he doesn't want to seek help to save your marriage.
I would never allow any person to take that much power and control over me or my body, sometimes we have to stand up to people trying to control our lives, never make yourself a slave to anyone, you are a free individual, you can make choices for yourself, your place on this earth is just as important as anyone else. You want to set a good impression, be a role model for your kids, I am sure you do, so do not let them grow up seeing their mom being controlled and disrespected, that is how they may come to disrespect you and others out in the world.
Maybe you have already, but if you haven't try hard to set time aside to talk to your husband, tell him just what you told us and exclaim to him he is hurting you and it isn't good for the kids to be in that kind of environment. Tell him you would like to go for counselling, it may help you two out with all of this. Oh, and if I were you I wouldn't allow my mother-in-law in my home or even be around my kids, if she can urge you to abort her own "would be" grandchild what kind of monster could possibly have true love for her other grandchildren, write this person off and out of your life, you are worth so much more than to be around such kind of people.
I wish I could have the right things to say that would be like magic, but I am so flabberghasted by your situation, but her are some hugs for you
(((((((((((((((((((( alexandria )))))))))))))))))

Take care now and always feel free to come here and talk to us

"darkeyes"

In giving advice seek to help, not please your friend
SOLON

I'm not married yet, but i would suggest telling him very calmly how you feel. Tell him that you are hurt. Tell him that you married him because of the way things were then, and try asking him what he thinks happened. It sounds like he is upset at a few things too, but doesn't know how to express himself. If your not ready to move on then your not ready, so at least try talking to him. Oh and try more than once, it might take a while for him to open up.