[newtus]

if everyone believes me when i post stuff?

i remember going to a therapist last year and she didnt believe many of the experiences i said i went through. like in the hospital and stuff that i did and stuff. but i told to because i felt like i needed to come clean about who i was or stuff. it hurt me and kinda traumatized me that she didnt believe me or what i was telling her. it hurt me so much to be so open and honest in a long time and get that said to me. it left me wondering if i was so messed up and the experiences i went through so messed up that ill never be believed. it threw me through a loop. i just want to be able to tell someone anyone something and hope im not shut down like that. not again..

the therapist also told me that it was my fault when i told her i was restrained a few times. that hurt me so bad.

like i would tell them " i dont care if u believe me, this is what happened "

[newtus]

yea thats a good point. it just doesnt help me when im willing to try at something and then thats what happens. you know? i hadnt been to a therapist in 2 years before that. now ive since given up on them again. not doing it again.

[unaluna]

I think most of the stuff you write is believable. It's sad sometimes.

[newtus]

only most? can i ask what isnt so i clear the air?

what is sad?

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by newtus

only most? can i ask what isnt so i clear the air?

what is sad?

It's sad that you're so young and in this situation. What isn't believable? I would say I see your posts like I see everyone else's here, which is probably how they see mine - when you see something thru your own filter, you say, hmm, no I don't agree with THAT. But no use saying anything, because no one is going to change their mind - not you, not me. That's how I see it, anyway. So I really do not want to get into a discussion about it, or have you try to convince me of something. I believe you as much as I believe anybody, and that's pretty good, no?

BTW, probably more than I believe a lot of my family. I've told you how smart I think you are. PC is my new chosen family.

[newtus]

thanks.

i just thought it was a personal thing. i know some things people dont believe me but as long as im welcome to share whats on my mind.

is 22 young?

[OutofTune]

22 is very young. I think your posts are believable and yes, sad. I know it's your choice to self-medicate instead of taking medication. However, I worry about you becoming an alcoholic. It's not a good alternative to meds.

[newtus]

ooh...
yea ive been drinking a lot lately. i woke up throwing up and headache you know. then thought about drinking again tonight. yea and the pot. i just feel like the drinking makes me more relaxed and the pot helps me think clearer...like open my mind up more. ive just become very insecure about my mental health. because i only pride my intelligence and i feel like im losing that. ive been dealing with this stuff since around 9 but i never really started to have cognitive difficulties until i was 20. everything worsens slowly.

then i just..gave up on myself

What kind of therapist says that it is your fault for being restrained!?
Who in the hell would say that?

[newtus]

Originally Posted by KrasnoiZvezdy

What kind of therapist says that it is your fault for being restrained!?
Who in the hell would say that?

yea i thought that at first and then i thought maybe it was my fault. but then after talking on here i couldnt believe it again.

idk...

[newtus]

i realize how much i am disruptive to this forum and i just want to say i am so sorry and thank you for putting up with it and not disowning me.

[costello]

I don't think you're disruptive, newtus.

Originally Posted by newtus

i realize how much i am disruptive to this forum and i just want to say i am so sorry and thank you for putting up with it and not disowning me.

You have not been disruptive at all. Every one has to let us know their problems and what-not. We are here to listen.

[faerie_moon_x]

I believe what you say. I agree it is sad and that you are young, but I don't think that being young has anything to do with it. Just because you're young doesn't mean you're not experiencing things. I remember when I was 22 I was having major problems and no one helped me. I already remember being a teenager and reaching out to my family for help and getting totally shot down. Getting told stupid things like "what do you have to be stressed/depressed about? You're just a kid."

It makes me angry that you encountered a therapist like that. That is the type of provider that needs to be reported. I don't know who to report it to, but that is not proper behavior of a therapist. If they are thinking you're not telling the truth, there has to be a better way to go about finding it out rather than using accuasations.

I also don't think you'r disruptive to the forum.

[newtus]

thank yo everyone i appreciate your kind opinions

[lil-angel-wings]

I know this was long...(shoudl I delete it??????? ) what ever dont read it if you dont want.

newtus...I was 25 when Ihad my breakthrough moment...I think that is what it is called... it was just before my 25th birthday and I thought that i was having a 1/4 of a centery breakdown.... I couldn't tell even the Dr. at the Hospital what I was experiencing because of all the stygma attached to Schizophrenia.... The Drugs and Alcholol only caused my fears to become more and more alive. I still believe everything I went through (saw and heard ) were and still are real... I believe all my fears were real and that I truly know that the things I feared about others was true...

I have had my T tell me in the past and even the one now, that these things are just part of my illness, but im never going to be convinced that they are not real... In this way they are constantly telling me that they do not believe me, because they do not believe it is real. Also the issue of being told it is your fault for being restrained.... I understand the felling...

The 2nd time I was restrained they not only restrainded me but gave me something that knocked me out for over 24 hours... when I woke up they would not even let me out to use the bathroom.... It was not only horrible but so tramatic, that I fear of ever telling my T that I am suicidal or Phycotic... and after my last hopsital stay Im even more frightened about hospitals....

I think you are brave if you can go to a T and tell them everything... I can not get pst the fear that you adn others have made it past and I've been at it for alomst 30yrs...

I comend you and encourage you to seek help... Things are different now adays I know that intellectually, but my mind will not let me believe it for me, just others....if that makes any sence...

I do think that the things you post are very important as it gets me and i believe others thinking about things....

I feel that for the most part what people post here is true, but as you and I know we do not use our own names and the most of us do not put anything about out true identity here, Why? Because for me and Im sure others, I do not want anyone who knows me to know many of the deep things I feel and think and post here.

I have even thought about taking my account off here and starting over with another name, but It would still be me posting and Im sure anyone who has been here longer then me would know it was me posting again...

but I do at least for this momnet feel safe enough to post here...


and as you know I ahve times when this place scares the heck out of me cause I beleve it has been infiltrated by those who want me dead or locked up.

well what ever...

[likewater]

Newtus, i believe you and i love you. May angels surround you.

[newtus]

aw thank you.

and thanks for everyone that posted.

i guess it really shows my insecurity.

the only people i have to bounce my thoughts off of are people online...and i always wondered if people even really cared

I finally just got around to actually checking the rest of the forum instead of just my subscribed threads.

I believe you, Newtus. And you're not disruptive. Everyone has difficulties & everyone has problems that are incredibly real. Do I wish you knew how to better handle them? Of course. But that doesn't mean you deserve to feel disowned or unwanted around here. We're all treated equally.

I hope you start feeling better soon.

["Tilly may"]

i believe you. your therapist is just a person, and not a good therapist. there are good roofers and bad roofers and good cooks and bad cooks, its the same with therapists. i had one that didnt care and now i have a new therapist and she is amazing. dont give up cuz we listen.

[newtus]

im thankful to have you all

hi. I used to have the same problem with therapists not believing me, so I know your frustration. Im so glad you are an adult though. You can change therapists to someone who really wants to help. I was a kid and couldnt do anything about it. Some therapists are genuinely decent people who really do want to help others. I havent seen one in years and years, Im a little afraid to open up to one and he turns out to be a jerk. Please dont give up on therapy like I did. Just look for a therapist who isnt counting the minutes till lunch break. You deserve to be heard. Maybe I can get the courage to shop around for one too.